Hi all,
I'd prefer to go by Bella here on CM, and I'm obviously pretty new around here.
This thread is intended to serve as a stream of consciousness style documentation of my entire mental journey up until the point in time that I am typing this out, and hopefully much further beyond into the world of chastity and self-cage play.
Before I dissect and wax poetic about how insane I am in so many words, I would like to open by saying that this entire place is pretty stellar, and I'm refreshed by the 'realness' of how people from everywhere are open about what makes them 'tick', or in many chastity cages across the site, what doesn't make them tick
I've spent entirely too much time thinking and feeling all types of thoughts and emotions when considering what I am going to write here-- so, I'm gonna be ambitious and plan to share most of the intricate, intimate details of my process.
The broad level overview of 'me' is not exactly thrilling or exceptional, but, at the very very least, it will give adequate context to what follows later.
________________
I'm currently 39, married with kids, partner is painfully vanilla and after a lot of soul searching, came to what is now in hindsight blatantly obvious realization that for me, I am clearly non-binary.
I had only ever accepted a mental label of 'bi-curious' because I kept telling myself that "I was 'just curious and open-minded' and that doesn't mean I'm actually _______"
To that end, honestly for a good long while, it kinda fit. I've never experienced true dysphoria and I love, love, love the ladies.
The amount of women I've been with is actually north of my current age, at least 40+, owed largely to several years living in a tourist-based city where I was a late-night bartender in an amazing location -- literally across the street from the ocean.
As it turns out, being slightly above average looking and possessing a blind confidence in being myself no matter what, fixing some great tasting and exotic cocktails, while also listening to whatever they have to say or what's on their mind without interruption or interjection is a fucking AMAZING recipe to get laid in your 20s.
It's also a fantastic formula to have several different women per week climbing into my bed, having me bury my face in between their thighs until their lower torso is visibly quivering. Pivoting from teasing and tasting to finishing them off by swapping between full PIV with lots of deep swirling strokes, pulling completely out, leaning down to flick her clit with my tongue and tasting that intoxicating ladyjuice is the thing I always enjoyed the most. I did discover throughout this coming-of-age experience that I really really really enjoy eating creampies, but only specifically the creampie I helped to make.
As a former bartender, it's really hard to not sound romantic reminiscing about regularly taste-testing the sexiest 'cocktail' any self-respecting bartender could ever help create. The sheer delight of swirling my tongue and teasing her already overly-sensitive clit while a steady trickle of my seed mingling and mixing with my lover's juices gets lapped up eagerly so that the only evidence of our soiree is across my lips.
I had a rule that my roommate at the time thought I was "kinda gay" for implementing, but it was a personal preference....
My rule was, if after I finished cleaning the creampie they would kiss or snowball that between us and make out afterwards.....I would actually call them back or set up something down the line again.
On the flip side of things, my experience with guys begins and ends with a long-time childhood friend that moved away from the area shortly after high school graduation. Without detouring into another 2000 words about this, I'll summarize:
Yes, I've sucked a dick and loved it, played with p-spots, edged each other to where we spent an entire weekend where we were 'playing a game' that we could only touch the other's dick, and if you came first, you sucked more dick until the 'loser' comes, and you had to swallow.
All in all, fucking hot.
I've never been explicitly against being with other men since then, but never actively was into looking to make anything else happen. I guess I was just a little too girl crazy. And yes, despite thoroughly enjoying feeling the head of his cock twitching in my mouth and against my tongue pumping a nice thick load down my throat-- it's not quite the same. It has never driven myself to near madness in the way that those creampie cocktails have.
So, while I have experienced and thoroughly enjoyed playing 'both sides of the plate' , I have never really been a submissive person at all. Sure, sucking cock isn't the most dominant act one could participate in, and I've never been opposed to getting fucked by a real worthy man-- he would have to be exceptional in many ways to consider him worthy of having me temporarily live in that grey headspace area of 'switching.' Hey, what can I say -- butt stuff is mighty fun!
While I'm somewhat far removed from the vitality and energy of my rather promiscuous youth, I want to pivot these thoughts to the main attraction of this entire site, what has me now wearing a cage as I type this, a self-inflicted ticket to evolve myself and improve my life.
I've had spurts for the last 25+ years of crossdressing and have felt the feminine energy that dressing gives me and it's practically a revelation at the point of my life where I am currently.
There was a spark to fuel the fire that has been bellowing up within me that began around the time of the original COVID lockdowns of March/April 2020, my partner and I were having a conversation about this mutual friend of ours , let's call him "E". E is highly successful in the medical field and by all accounts from the outside, is living his best life.
E is the husband of my wife's best friend and E and his wife are our same age but they've been together since they were 14(!!) They've never 'been' with anyone else and because of this I believe, they like to be a little bit more open when they've had a few libations under their belt.
E, unprovoked and unprompted-- started talking about wearing his wife's clothes because they were "the most comfortable pieces of clothing he's ever worn." E does not know about my history but I wanted to nod my head and tell him to preach some more directly from the gospel of femme.
A week or so goes by, and my wife and I were just talking about how womens clothes do FEEL better , and so I said, hey, let's get a matching pair of leggings. My wife acquiesced and so a few days later, we are laying around watching TV in our matching leggings. I'll spare the details but whether or not it was a reaction to being more open with dressing or perhaps it was the edible we shared, but the sex that night was absolutely mind-blowing. After 16 years together and many mutual orgasms, that night would easily make top 3.
Embracing that side of me and after years of aching to express the 'prettier' side of myself while also rekindling my love of dressing en femme has come to me exploring every angle of what I actually like.
So far, if you're still reading, I would give you exactly one cookie because cookies are awesome. This all has so far been consisting of typing, erasing, rephrasing, erasing again-- rinse/repeat in a painful but cathartic means to exercise the details of how and why I'm here.
It has been simultaneously both liberating and terrifying because I've lived the vast majority of my life as a relatively average, straight cis white dude.
That being said, I feel compelled to spell this out explicitly up front: I have no use or desire to use or feel entitled to any type of privilege, however it is implied. I'm not going to judge anyone for any reason other than solely how you are as a person. I don't care what color of the rainbow your skin happens to be, I don't even care what is in between your legs, but let's be honest here folks, an asshole is an asshole...is an asshole....so don't be one if you can help it!
We're goin' way way back.
22 years ago I was a senior in high school and wanted to be any sort of professional writer, pre-social media etc. That senior year I was the editor-in-chief both semesters of the school newspaper class-- and the teacher let me run the show completely. I was absolutely hooked.
My first month of my freshman year of college was when 9/11 happened. I will always remember having an 8am Journalism 201 course the day of 9/11, where we had been tasked with at the end of the previous class-- to read 4 different newspapers in their entirety in the next two days. So, as this grey-haired "Emmitt Brown-vibe" professor liked to conduct his business, we started out the day with a 10 question current events quiz.
I wouldn't be able to tell you what was on that quiz, but I did get a 90 for citing the wrong paper on one of the answers.
And then everything changed, and I lost my built-in passion for wordplay and writing.
TA kind of imposter syndrome is a fickle bitch to wrestle with, and while I am norrnally what most people would tag as shy or quiet to people I've never met, I have no option to be anything OTHER than an adept conversationalist because of my job. Years of social anxiety mixed with a job that forces you to constantly speak with and have conversations with strangers for hours at a time really tests your sanity and patience.
I'm tall (6'4") , husky and my voice is naturally deeper than most men, I have a slow and calm cadence when speaking, and although i am not a huge fan of my voice, at least once a week I routinely have middle-aged women tell me unsolicited at work that they could " listen to me speak all day" and others have said "Let me know if you ever get to be on a podcast because I'd love to just open a bottle of wine and listen to you for hours."
Side note: While my partner is my best friend, and we get along great, have a relatively healthy and normal sex life together, she doesn't masturbate, doesn't want to use toys, vibrators, wands, or anything else despite us spending money over the years to experiment....
and ....It's a little bit of nipple action into PIV for her.
That's all she wants.
She insists on that being all she wants.
I'm okay with this, because if she's satisfied then everything else I do myself is just a bonus, and because my love for her is greater than my insistence on involving things she wants no active part or role to play. She knows about my dressing and femme persona whom she has told me "should come around more" but with 2 kids, 1 being younger...it's hard to just 'bring her out' on the fly without potentially very much confusing family. I don't fear their response , I just don't want to cause any unnecessary grief because they don't understand what Daddy is doing.
TL;DR so far: Since the 80s , decent looking and personable cis tall white dude has occasionally dressed and presented as female, but would just buy clothes at a store like target or walmart and wear them when alone at home. Lately, I've learned makeup and lots of other girly things that I have been utterly obsessing over --- "Oh, holy shit....I've been 'window shopping' online at a dozen different clothing labels imagining myself in those clothes...for the last 3 1/2 hours.
One of my ultimate goals with my spouse from all of this exploring? Making love to her as if we were two twenty-something lust-filled hormone fueled lesbians exploring each others bodies, with me taking a dominant role, tying her in some light bondage, eating her pussy and ass like groceries and then for the finale,hold her above me and force her down onto my cock , grabbing both asscheeks and bucking so hard like she entered a bull-riding contest with lots of money to the top performers....all while I'm wearing a bra, panties around my ankles, and buttplug in my ass. I suppose it's nice to have stretchgoals.
I am and have been for some time now in a headspace to where I am so much more comfortable in my skin presenting as a woman, but because of my existing life and also with the conflicting nature of submission vs. my naturally and insistently dominant persona -- this is not something I anticipate will be 'fufulled' to any meaningful degree outside of words on a screen and various sites like the one we're using now . I feel like I'm doing a massive disservice to myself if I'm submitting willingly, or unreasonably according to someone else's whims in regards to the idea of 'never escaping the cage'.
Oh, you're still here? Cool, thanks for bearing with me.
So, chastity.
I've always had the fascination and the hard-on for it, but the whole motivation I have for starting this journey and exploring self-locking chastity is that its extremely hard for me to put my head in a space where it involves me not having control. Time and time again, if I'm submissive, I feel that the only way I'm comfortable with that is if I'm only submitting to myself.
Confused yet? Yeah, me too.
I have started in the last week or two caging myself for increasing lengths of time. It's been a challenge to find the right type and style. I am a grower (3.5in flaccid, 6.5in hard and quite girthy) and I've found that a nub cage is the most comfortable for me.
I started with a HT knockoff that honestly felt too big, although I filled it up relatively easily, I really couldn't wait until I could try a much smaller, more restrictive device, and the nub is great. There's something about looking down and just seeing a little pink 'clitty' that is a pure dopamine rush mixed with intense feminine energy to someone who has only seen or watched videos about it until I allowed myself to explore this entire world inside myself that had been kept at bay, at arms length for the better part of two decades.
After a cumulative lock time of about a week so far, I can say early impressions of chastity in general have been far above expectations. I have a healthy drive and feeling the restriction of the cage is honestly the most unusual but satisfying and fufilling type of edging I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
Why am I caging myself? Glad you (didn't ) ask.
In short, it's my own personal preference and dictated by feeling that the only person who should dictate my wants and needs is myself. I don't prescribe to the notion that I am, myself, some sort of wild animal that is only ever trying to get my dick buried in a tight, wet hole.
I have lots of interests and even the occasional hobby, so I suppose you could say I already am starting to feel and experience the actual freedom that being caged brings me. Bonus points for it also instinctively making my tight virgin ass quiver when touched and my B-cup tits and nipples tingling with delight.
The longer I experience chastity and reap the benefits of the focus it fills me with, the more I do start to believe that if there were no consequences/downsides, I would just live as a trans woman who's life goal is to convert straight men into obedient sissies and be a keyholder
so that theey don't have to bother wrestling with the demons that I have....
To be continued...
While I have so so much more to word-vomit all across this blog or journal, I think t am going to withhold for now, gauge interest and conversation potential before I continue inro
I'd prefer to go by Bella here on CM, and I'm obviously pretty new around here.
This thread is intended to serve as a stream of consciousness style documentation of my entire mental journey up until the point in time that I am typing this out, and hopefully much further beyond into the world of chastity and self-cage play.
Before I dissect and wax poetic about how insane I am in so many words, I would like to open by saying that this entire place is pretty stellar, and I'm refreshed by the 'realness' of how people from everywhere are open about what makes them 'tick', or in many chastity cages across the site, what doesn't make them tick
I've spent entirely too much time thinking and feeling all types of thoughts and emotions when considering what I am going to write here-- so, I'm gonna be ambitious and plan to share most of the intricate, intimate details of my process.
The broad level overview of 'me' is not exactly thrilling or exceptional, but, at the very very least, it will give adequate context to what follows later.
________________
I'm currently 39, married with kids, partner is painfully vanilla and after a lot of soul searching, came to what is now in hindsight blatantly obvious realization that for me, I am clearly non-binary.
I had only ever accepted a mental label of 'bi-curious' because I kept telling myself that "I was 'just curious and open-minded' and that doesn't mean I'm actually _______"
To that end, honestly for a good long while, it kinda fit. I've never experienced true dysphoria and I love, love, love the ladies.
The amount of women I've been with is actually north of my current age, at least 40+, owed largely to several years living in a tourist-based city where I was a late-night bartender in an amazing location -- literally across the street from the ocean.
As it turns out, being slightly above average looking and possessing a blind confidence in being myself no matter what, fixing some great tasting and exotic cocktails, while also listening to whatever they have to say or what's on their mind without interruption or interjection is a fucking AMAZING recipe to get laid in your 20s.
It's also a fantastic formula to have several different women per week climbing into my bed, having me bury my face in between their thighs until their lower torso is visibly quivering. Pivoting from teasing and tasting to finishing them off by swapping between full PIV with lots of deep swirling strokes, pulling completely out, leaning down to flick her clit with my tongue and tasting that intoxicating ladyjuice is the thing I always enjoyed the most. I did discover throughout this coming-of-age experience that I really really really enjoy eating creampies, but only specifically the creampie I helped to make.
As a former bartender, it's really hard to not sound romantic reminiscing about regularly taste-testing the sexiest 'cocktail' any self-respecting bartender could ever help create. The sheer delight of swirling my tongue and teasing her already overly-sensitive clit while a steady trickle of my seed mingling and mixing with my lover's juices gets lapped up eagerly so that the only evidence of our soiree is across my lips.
I had a rule that my roommate at the time thought I was "kinda gay" for implementing, but it was a personal preference....
My rule was, if after I finished cleaning the creampie they would kiss or snowball that between us and make out afterwards.....I would actually call them back or set up something down the line again.
On the flip side of things, my experience with guys begins and ends with a long-time childhood friend that moved away from the area shortly after high school graduation. Without detouring into another 2000 words about this, I'll summarize:
Yes, I've sucked a dick and loved it, played with p-spots, edged each other to where we spent an entire weekend where we were 'playing a game' that we could only touch the other's dick, and if you came first, you sucked more dick until the 'loser' comes, and you had to swallow.
All in all, fucking hot.
I've never been explicitly against being with other men since then, but never actively was into looking to make anything else happen. I guess I was just a little too girl crazy. And yes, despite thoroughly enjoying feeling the head of his cock twitching in my mouth and against my tongue pumping a nice thick load down my throat-- it's not quite the same. It has never driven myself to near madness in the way that those creampie cocktails have.
So, while I have experienced and thoroughly enjoyed playing 'both sides of the plate' , I have never really been a submissive person at all. Sure, sucking cock isn't the most dominant act one could participate in, and I've never been opposed to getting fucked by a real worthy man-- he would have to be exceptional in many ways to consider him worthy of having me temporarily live in that grey headspace area of 'switching.' Hey, what can I say -- butt stuff is mighty fun!
While I'm somewhat far removed from the vitality and energy of my rather promiscuous youth, I want to pivot these thoughts to the main attraction of this entire site, what has me now wearing a cage as I type this, a self-inflicted ticket to evolve myself and improve my life.
I've had spurts for the last 25+ years of crossdressing and have felt the feminine energy that dressing gives me and it's practically a revelation at the point of my life where I am currently.
There was a spark to fuel the fire that has been bellowing up within me that began around the time of the original COVID lockdowns of March/April 2020, my partner and I were having a conversation about this mutual friend of ours , let's call him "E". E is highly successful in the medical field and by all accounts from the outside, is living his best life.
E is the husband of my wife's best friend and E and his wife are our same age but they've been together since they were 14(!!) They've never 'been' with anyone else and because of this I believe, they like to be a little bit more open when they've had a few libations under their belt.
E, unprovoked and unprompted-- started talking about wearing his wife's clothes because they were "the most comfortable pieces of clothing he's ever worn." E does not know about my history but I wanted to nod my head and tell him to preach some more directly from the gospel of femme.
A week or so goes by, and my wife and I were just talking about how womens clothes do FEEL better , and so I said, hey, let's get a matching pair of leggings. My wife acquiesced and so a few days later, we are laying around watching TV in our matching leggings. I'll spare the details but whether or not it was a reaction to being more open with dressing or perhaps it was the edible we shared, but the sex that night was absolutely mind-blowing. After 16 years together and many mutual orgasms, that night would easily make top 3.
Embracing that side of me and after years of aching to express the 'prettier' side of myself while also rekindling my love of dressing en femme has come to me exploring every angle of what I actually like.
So far, if you're still reading, I would give you exactly one cookie because cookies are awesome. This all has so far been consisting of typing, erasing, rephrasing, erasing again-- rinse/repeat in a painful but cathartic means to exercise the details of how and why I'm here.
It has been simultaneously both liberating and terrifying because I've lived the vast majority of my life as a relatively average, straight cis white dude.
That being said, I feel compelled to spell this out explicitly up front: I have no use or desire to use or feel entitled to any type of privilege, however it is implied. I'm not going to judge anyone for any reason other than solely how you are as a person. I don't care what color of the rainbow your skin happens to be, I don't even care what is in between your legs, but let's be honest here folks, an asshole is an asshole...is an asshole....so don't be one if you can help it!
We're goin' way way back.
22 years ago I was a senior in high school and wanted to be any sort of professional writer, pre-social media etc. That senior year I was the editor-in-chief both semesters of the school newspaper class-- and the teacher let me run the show completely. I was absolutely hooked.
My first month of my freshman year of college was when 9/11 happened. I will always remember having an 8am Journalism 201 course the day of 9/11, where we had been tasked with at the end of the previous class-- to read 4 different newspapers in their entirety in the next two days. So, as this grey-haired "Emmitt Brown-vibe" professor liked to conduct his business, we started out the day with a 10 question current events quiz.
I wouldn't be able to tell you what was on that quiz, but I did get a 90 for citing the wrong paper on one of the answers.
And then everything changed, and I lost my built-in passion for wordplay and writing.
TA kind of imposter syndrome is a fickle bitch to wrestle with, and while I am norrnally what most people would tag as shy or quiet to people I've never met, I have no option to be anything OTHER than an adept conversationalist because of my job. Years of social anxiety mixed with a job that forces you to constantly speak with and have conversations with strangers for hours at a time really tests your sanity and patience.
I'm tall (6'4") , husky and my voice is naturally deeper than most men, I have a slow and calm cadence when speaking, and although i am not a huge fan of my voice, at least once a week I routinely have middle-aged women tell me unsolicited at work that they could " listen to me speak all day" and others have said "Let me know if you ever get to be on a podcast because I'd love to just open a bottle of wine and listen to you for hours."
Side note: While my partner is my best friend, and we get along great, have a relatively healthy and normal sex life together, she doesn't masturbate, doesn't want to use toys, vibrators, wands, or anything else despite us spending money over the years to experiment....
and ....It's a little bit of nipple action into PIV for her.
That's all she wants.
She insists on that being all she wants.
I'm okay with this, because if she's satisfied then everything else I do myself is just a bonus, and because my love for her is greater than my insistence on involving things she wants no active part or role to play. She knows about my dressing and femme persona whom she has told me "should come around more" but with 2 kids, 1 being younger...it's hard to just 'bring her out' on the fly without potentially very much confusing family. I don't fear their response , I just don't want to cause any unnecessary grief because they don't understand what Daddy is doing.
TL;DR so far: Since the 80s , decent looking and personable cis tall white dude has occasionally dressed and presented as female, but would just buy clothes at a store like target or walmart and wear them when alone at home. Lately, I've learned makeup and lots of other girly things that I have been utterly obsessing over --- "Oh, holy shit....I've been 'window shopping' online at a dozen different clothing labels imagining myself in those clothes...for the last 3 1/2 hours.
One of my ultimate goals with my spouse from all of this exploring? Making love to her as if we were two twenty-something lust-filled hormone fueled lesbians exploring each others bodies, with me taking a dominant role, tying her in some light bondage, eating her pussy and ass like groceries and then for the finale,hold her above me and force her down onto my cock , grabbing both asscheeks and bucking so hard like she entered a bull-riding contest with lots of money to the top performers....all while I'm wearing a bra, panties around my ankles, and buttplug in my ass. I suppose it's nice to have stretchgoals.
I am and have been for some time now in a headspace to where I am so much more comfortable in my skin presenting as a woman, but because of my existing life and also with the conflicting nature of submission vs. my naturally and insistently dominant persona -- this is not something I anticipate will be 'fufulled' to any meaningful degree outside of words on a screen and various sites like the one we're using now . I feel like I'm doing a massive disservice to myself if I'm submitting willingly, or unreasonably according to someone else's whims in regards to the idea of 'never escaping the cage'.
Oh, you're still here? Cool, thanks for bearing with me.
So, chastity.
I've always had the fascination and the hard-on for it, but the whole motivation I have for starting this journey and exploring self-locking chastity is that its extremely hard for me to put my head in a space where it involves me not having control. Time and time again, if I'm submissive, I feel that the only way I'm comfortable with that is if I'm only submitting to myself.
Confused yet? Yeah, me too.
I have started in the last week or two caging myself for increasing lengths of time. It's been a challenge to find the right type and style. I am a grower (3.5in flaccid, 6.5in hard and quite girthy) and I've found that a nub cage is the most comfortable for me.
I started with a HT knockoff that honestly felt too big, although I filled it up relatively easily, I really couldn't wait until I could try a much smaller, more restrictive device, and the nub is great. There's something about looking down and just seeing a little pink 'clitty' that is a pure dopamine rush mixed with intense feminine energy to someone who has only seen or watched videos about it until I allowed myself to explore this entire world inside myself that had been kept at bay, at arms length for the better part of two decades.
After a cumulative lock time of about a week so far, I can say early impressions of chastity in general have been far above expectations. I have a healthy drive and feeling the restriction of the cage is honestly the most unusual but satisfying and fufilling type of edging I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
Why am I caging myself? Glad you (didn't ) ask.
In short, it's my own personal preference and dictated by feeling that the only person who should dictate my wants and needs is myself. I don't prescribe to the notion that I am, myself, some sort of wild animal that is only ever trying to get my dick buried in a tight, wet hole.
I have lots of interests and even the occasional hobby, so I suppose you could say I already am starting to feel and experience the actual freedom that being caged brings me. Bonus points for it also instinctively making my tight virgin ass quiver when touched and my B-cup tits and nipples tingling with delight.
The longer I experience chastity and reap the benefits of the focus it fills me with, the more I do start to believe that if there were no consequences/downsides, I would just live as a trans woman who's life goal is to convert straight men into obedient sissies and be a keyholder
so that theey don't have to bother wrestling with the demons that I have....
To be continued...
While I have so so much more to word-vomit all across this blog or journal, I think t am going to withhold for now, gauge interest and conversation potential before I continue inro
last few weeks have been hell but I am hoping that with a little extra time on my hands, I can give a few folks around these parts a little extra holiday cheer 
