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Chastity with a submissive girlfriend

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by Chris86, Jan 10, 2017.

  1. Hello ChastityMansion,

    I have been lurking around for a while before i decided to register.
    Currently I am happy in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 years.
    We have been doing some BDSM over the whole time, me being dom and her being sub.
    However, there are times in my life, when I really like to be the sub, when my job comes down hard on me for example.
    During these times I like being restrained, wearing chastity cages (we have some chinese ones, and recently ordered a CS-500), wearing butt plugs and sometimes I even fantasize about her making me wear her panties and what not.
    While this is not completely new to me (started in my teen years) it's still coming in phases on and off again.

    The problem with that is, that my girlfriend is absolutely not dominant by nature. We tried - often, slow, etc - but its just not her thing. Restraining sometimes is okay, but everything more makes her feel uncomfortable. She is working very hard and her job is control-heavy, which is also a reason why she doesnt like to be in control during sex.

    In the end, either she gets pushed to do something she is not completely comfortable with, or i am sexually not comfortable.

    Has anyone experienced something alike or has any solution to our dilemma?

    p.s. i am currently building a smart key-box that can be used to lock keys away and will not open before the timer is up. A smartphone app can be used to "add time" with a simple button. When the hardware quirks are fixed, i will put some pictures and description on this site.
    I would probably try to hand her the app and play mostly alone, if i should ever "nag" her then, she can just extend and hopefully this will work for both of us. If i did too much topping from the bottom in the past, this could help me staying in the role.

    Many thanks in advance for reading this "wall of text"
    Hans Dietrick likes this.
  2. You are going to have to think long and hard about what you have written.

    You both have tough jobs and the release is not uncommon. The giving up of controle and wanting to be the sub.
    Topping from the bottom is never going to work especially in your situation on a hundred different levels.

    Trying to push her in the opposite direction to what she wants is only going to lead to ever growing resentment. Not a good plan at the best of times .
    You really need to tune in and respect her needs and wants .

    Xx Wendy
  3. Mistress B

    Mistress B Mistress B
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    Feb 29, 2012
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    Switches are not rare beasts but if your gf is totally submissive then I can't see that changing.
    Chris86, Zeb6 and CJ's hubby like this.
  4. I can't improve on what Wendygirl said other than to say be patient. While she might not have any tendencies towards topping you, she might develop them and that can take time. If there are times you want to be in chastity, make sure she is okay with it and see if she will hold you keys for you during the time you want to be locked up. Make sure she knows she can unlock you anytime she wants sex. Then make sure you do everything you can to serve her during that time. Give her oral if she is open to it, give her massages, foot rubs, do extra work around the house if you live together. That kind of thing. Serve her while you are feeling submissive. Then if she likes it, maybe she will come around, but don't be disappointed in her if she doesn't.

    In the end if it is something she isn't comfortable with then you will have to decide if it will just be a fantasy in your head or something you must have and make decisions based on that.
    Chris86, Wendygirl and Hans Dietrick like this.
  5. Many think that chastity is all about the woman being dominant. My wife is very submissive in and out of the bedroom and yet we have been into chastity for 4 years. The trick is to forget about most of the stuff you read on the Internet about BDSM, Femdom, Cuckolding, etc.. Start off with just teasing and denial. At first just use the cage between your normal sex days so that she will not feel that she is denying you anything. The second trick is to get her to feel that by doing this, she is doing what you wish her to do. In other words, she is giving you pleasure by doing this and she does not have to be dominant to do it.

    Go from being locked up between sex times to letting her know that it feels so good that you would like to try being denied an orgasm ever other time to see how it feels. Let her get used to teasing and denying you by making a big fuss about how great it feels to be teased and denied. This is going to take a lot of time and you have to do it by baby steps. My wife was not comfortable for the first 6 months and then for the next 6 months she got used to very short term orgasm denial. It took another year before he desired to please me outweighed her feelings of guilt in denying me.

    Just focus on the chastity part and nothing else for the time being. Make her understand that you want her to deny you. When she denies you she is doing what you would like her to do and what will give you great pleasure. Thank her every time she denies you and don't thank her when she allows you to orgasm. Also tell her how energized and good you feel when you are denied and how tired and down you feel after an orgasm. What you want to do is get her used to seeing the positive effects of orgasm denial and the negative effects of giving you an orgasm. This takes a lot of time.

    Don't send her to any of the websites that talk about how the female is supposed to dominate the male in chastity. My wife and I approached it as a joint effort. I did not want to orgasm and she was giving me what I wanted and helping me when I got weak. Don't make this about her dominating you but rather as a sex game where you both work towards a common goal. With luck she will enjoy having sex focus on her and even enjoy denying you. My wife grew to enjoy denying me and having orgasms whenever she wanted to. It helped that I offered to massage her body and feet when I was denied and not in the mood to do that after an orgasm.

    I do not want to use the word "training" so I will use "conditioning" instead. You want to condition her to see chastity as something she can do to please you and not something she does to dominate you. How you do this is up to you. I acted my butt off and made sure my wife saw a positive change in me when denied and a negative one when I had an orgasm. Even now she says she likes the way I am when denied than after an orgasm.

    You will have to top from the bottom at first and don't listen to those that say that it is not the right way to do things because there are no right ways. There are no rule books about this. It is what you both want to do that counts and not following anyone else's idea of chastity. I have always had to top from the bottom when breaking in a new Mistress or fetish partner because they had no idea of what to do but I did. Eventually you will want to stop doing that when she is ready but you will have to do that at the beginning.

    We started year 5 of 24/7 lockup and my wife still has difficulty in denying me more than 2-3 months. However, she loves teasing and edging me and is having the best orgasms of her life, as many as 10 in nights and she is 64 years old. She has come to enjoy being in charge of our sex life. I am sure that your girlfriend is not a slave to you and is in charge of certain aspects of your relationship, even if it is what she wears on a date or what perfume she uses. This is just another area of your relationship that she has control over, not dominate but control. She needs to understand that you can quit it anytime you want so she is not forcing you to do anything. She is just helping you do what you enjoy and is no different than helping you get pleasure from anything else she helps with.

    Last but not least is to make it easy for her to be your keyholder. She is not your warden and should not have to make sure you are locked at all times or watch you while you shower, etc.. No chastity contracts because most read like a what to do to me list and box you into a rulebook. You can start off with chastity games to determine how long you go without an orgasm as that will take the onus off of her and put it in the game. She is not the one deciding how long to deny you, the game is. After a while she may feel that the game takes away her control or even just her options in case you wants you to have an orgasm anytime you want. At that point she should assume control but you both decide on your orgasm denial term. That way she knows that you are OK with it as is she. You can scheduled it although that takes you back to being a slave to a schedule or just say you need one or two orgasms a month and when she does it is up to her. You can also pick a special date, like Valentine's Day and ask her to deny you until then so that sex will truly be a special treat for both of you. Whatever works for you is fine.

    Do not burden her with making sure you do not escape. You asked for chastity, not her so if you want to try to escape she should not have to be your warden and keep an eye on you to make you do what you wanted to do. You promise not to escape and not to masturbate, locked or not. There is only one rule and that is that she makes the rules, does not have to tell you what they are and can change them without any prior notice. In other words, she does whatever she wants to do within the understanding you both have.

    Establish a safe word which is a mainstay of BDSM play. It is a special word you use to let her know that what you are saying is real and serious and not part of the sex game you are playing. We have always used the simple word, "red". Tell her that you can beg to cum or be unlocked but unless you do not say "red", it is all part of the came and when you say yes, you want her to say no. Tell her that her role in this is simple; just say No because that is what you would like her to do. This way she will not feel guilty when you are begging to cum because she will know that if you are really in distress, you would use your safe word.

    Do not act all submissive outside of the bedroom. I am very alpha by nature and cannot act submissive very well outside of sex where I know it is a game. Do not try to make your relationship into a femdom one, it will not work with a submissive partner unless you work at it for years. Just be yourselves outside of the bedroom. Do not act like she is the boss but do the things she asks you to do. Offer to help do things rather than wait for her to ask. Let her pick the movie or TV show to watch. Get her used to having things go the way she wants them to without making her feel like a dominatrix. This will take time. It took me two years before my wife would paddle my butt but look at my picture gallery to see what patients and not jumping into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim, works.

    Also be prepared to find out that chastity sounds great and is very exciting at first but when you have to deal with wearing something on your penis each day that is never as comfortable as being free ranging it and the raging hormones coursing through you urging you to orgasm until all you can think about is having an orgasm, you may lose interest in it like most guys do. You will be all excited at first but once that excitement wears off you are faced with the reality of being locked up and denied minus the initial excitement that you felt when you started.

    As far as locking up, it took me a few weeks to get used to wearing my device during the day and 6 months to wear it 24/7. Even then, I did not wear it when I left the house. That took another 2 years to get to that point. We do not place much significance on the chastity device. We focus on teasing and denial whether I am locked up or not. My wife could care less if I am locked up or not as long as she is the only one who gives me orgasms. I am unlocked now due to medical issues with both of us and yet she still decides when I cum.

    You can masturbate when you are locked up. There are several ways to do it like simply holding a vibrator against your cage or inserting something through one of the holes in your device an masturbate yourself with that. If you find that you cannot stop yourself from masturbating with little or no supervision, chastity is not for you or you are playing a different game which chastity is just a small part of.

    It only worked for me and my wife when we forgot all the other stuff that people said went with chastity and just played it as we wanted to. My wife still cooks and cleans and likes to make me happy at home. Once in a while I will do the dishes or help in other ways but she even told me once that she felt I was trying to take her job away from here because I was doing too much of the housework. To her, I work every day and do the hard stuff at home so she sees her role as home keeper. I provide and protect her. She takes care of me to make sure I am doing what I should be doing like going to the doctor when I do not want to, cleaning up after myself, etc.. She is a people person who gets pleasure from pleasing others, not just me and despite a few attempts to change that, I gave up and she can be what she is comfortable being. There is a reason why so many men are seeking dominant women online. That is because most women still prefer the man to be the dominant one in the relationship to the dismay of some women who feel differently. Sure times are changing but it may take more than one generation to see the majority of women wanted to be the dominant one in the relationship.

    I think we are more like equals. She is in charge of the things she does best and so am I. We never have made an important decision that affected the other without reaching agreement if even through a compromise. I cannot imagine doing something that my wife does not want me to do and vice versa. So there you go, chastity according tome. This worked for us but it may not work for you. The point is to make chastity fit what you both want and not to follow what you read online. Every website has the same things you are supposed to feel and do once in chastity and I felt very little to none of those things. I think a lot of guys read that stuff and then feels like that is how they should behave and how their keyholder should feel and act. It is a sex game. That is all that it is so treat it as a game. Go into and out of your roles as you wish and don't get hung up on focusing on the chastity device more than chastity itself.

    Good luck. My wife ran out to get me things from three different stores today and asked me what I would like her to cook tonight. Yet she did not ask me if I want to orgasm or even have sex. She decides that without dressing like a dominatrix, trying to make me into what I am not or otherwise having me to act like her slave. She told me that she married me because I made her feel safe and protected and she had no desire to see me be submissive. Despite that, we have had a fun filled 4 years of chastity and only now are only doing it part time and may even stop it altogether even though I do feel better when locked up. However, the spirit is willing but the flesh cannot take 24/7 lockup anymore at my age. So we do it without a device and for smaller periods of time. Have fun and hopefully I have provided you with some helpful hints.
    anasyrma, Jasmic68, Chris86 and 9 others like this.
  6. Vinny, this is one of the most insightful and eye-opening posts I have ever read on this site. You, sir, are a mensch. I am very sorry to read of you and your dear wife's health issues. May 2017 see you and her both to better health and even more happiness. Goddess bless!
    Chris86 likes this.
  7. Vinny, that was beautiful man.
    Chris86 likes this.
  8. Try the approach of being locked for a period, and when released it is like unleashing the beast on her. The longer she keeps you locked the more ravenous you are when she releases you.

    All woman love to feel sexy, when your locked she will become more and more sexy to you, still getting touched, caressed, and cherished. She could tie you up and dabble in face sitting etc, with a bit of pain thrown in, if she feels sexy, she will love it.

    My Mistress sometimes orders me to Dominate her in the bedroom, lrobs a few times a year. I tie her up and pleasure her whilst still locked.
    Hans Dietrick and Chris86 like this.
  9. a few ideas...

    Another approach that may work for you as a couple is if when you feel the need, you do self-bondage, and you immobilise yourself such that you can only be released by your other half. Just let her know where you'll be and be sure she knows how to release you (my other half can cope with a padlock but struggles with knots). Best to time the first few times when it's better suited to her mood, not yours. eg when she wants some quiet time of her own to do her own thing (like read a book or do a hobby).

    She could take part helping restrain you, or have fun with you in her own preferred way after releasing you, or just act in a vanilla way as your safety and release person, and you can offer to do something (sexual or non-sexual) for her in return.

    If both of you are submissive and into bondage then a dual [self-]bondage session with a timer release (eg ice) can be fun, you can arrange the key release so that either one predetermined person only will get the keys to undo both of you, or it is random who gets released first.
    Hans Dietrick and Chris86 like this.
  10. In my experience, at the very start of our relationship and in my past relationships I would say I was very much the sub. I'd have occasional dominate thoughts but would more so like to be dominated. My guy now is in most ways a sub. Over time I have slowly becoming more dominant. I love him and know he prefers to be the submissive and we have spent a lot of time talking about these things. Both the things that we each want and need, and I think the communication is the most important part. We know what we are each comfortable with and help each other push our own boundaries which results in us becoming more of a match for each other, and after a couple years I am very comfortable being the dominant in the bedroom. However he knows when I start to get uneasy and every once in awhile he will take charge and dominate me just like I need him to. So most important first I would say talk about it. a lot. talk too much even.

    Second, feeling sexy. My guy has bought me some outfits and lingerie that I wear when we are doing a scene type thing, or when I'm not really in a dominant mood but i know he needs me to be. He always loves on me and makes me feel sexy, but then wearing something special, along with the looks he gives me, all the affection and appreciation I get from him, it makes me feel very confident, which in turn makes me feel more like being dominant, for him, and then I greatly enjoy it too. Appreciate her more than ever, make her feel good about herself, build her confidence and talk all the time. If it's meant to be you'll get there.
    Apfel, Chris86 and Hans Dietrick like this.
  11. Many thanks for all the tips in this thread. I do not really wish to condition her, as she is my partner and must decide what she likes on her own.
    I will play on my own for now and see what the future brings for us. I have the smart key safe almost complete and then we'll see what happens.

    I also like the self bondage ideas very much, I will look to use them to get some teasing for myself.

    I am now locked in the new cs 500a, best cage I ever had btw, since Friday. I am away from home now for a few days until Tuesday and before I left she asked me for one of the keys without me talking about it at all, which made me happy.
    Hans Dietrick likes this.
  12. Sounds like she's warming to the idea of holding your keys. Good idea to just let her own interest develop naturally. Good luck!
    Chris86 likes this.
  13. If you guys have an open dialogue and are comfortable talking about your desires, I am sure you two can work something out. With two people that are both committed to trying, it could be fun to work on.

    Maybe a schedule...two weeks of topping for you, then she's a keyholder for two weeks and tops you.

    Maybe she always holds your keys but only top when she releases you, then one night a month she tops you.

    If you both know what turns you on, and willing to sacrifice a little of what you eachneed, you both might get what you want.
    Chris86 and Hans Dietrick like this.
  14. I find the most successful and satisfying progression happens when you give your lady time to get her head around whatever it is you asked for.

    Similar happened to me just this morning.
    We've played with chastity on and off for a few years now, last year we tried to follow a schedule
    but I had a few problems with devices throughout the year so it wasn't really all we hoped for.

    This new year I've been locked up again, but for the last week the key had just been left on the bedside table.
    We have a level of unspoken trust that means she knows that I wouldn't use the key except in an emergency, but it had been annoying me because I really don't get the same feelings if I know where the key is. For the last couple of days I was debating whether (and trying hard to resist) mentioning if she could hide the key, but this morning she says "I'll put that key away, we probably won't be needing it for a while"!

    It's a bit like gardening, you can sow the seeds, but you can't rush it, with patience it's amazing what will develop. ;)
  15. Joroincharge

    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Mar 10, 2009
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    This is not an easy one. If she does not have the desire to be Dominant sexually, then that's the way it is. Seems to me that both of you have submissive desires at least in part. It might be possible for you to have a third party KH, but your gf might not be happy with that either. Otherwise your key-box option could be the best at least to be going on with. Though you could consider signing up to someone via emlalock, with your gf to check you can't cheat; and you can set your max (if you have one) to whatever you want, and extend it in session also if you like (or allow your gf to extend it for you)..