Equality in a D/s relationship

I agree with @John\ - respect and communication; and wanting what's best for the other and not feeling like it encroaches on your personal freedom.

 

We both consider ourselves equals in this relationship, because each provides what the other needs. It's equals as the members of a team are equal, we all bring something different to the table but the value of it is equal.

It also means that while in our daily life my husband submits to me, he always has a safe word and the option to call in a meeting in which we'll discuss our progress and he can suggest changes to our dynamic. He rarely does this because he's happy with his position, but the option is always there.

We may not be the traditional kind of master and mistress, because he always has the option to opt out of something if he provides a good reason. But I would not want it any other way, because I want to be a leader but not a tyrant. I'd rather be served out of love than fear.

 

Getting kind of academic on it all, aren't you? We all know what equal means in the vanilla world. No need to whip out big dictionaries.

 

Do we? How do you know for certain unless you can define it better than "We all know". Whole volumes can be written about how simple misunderstandings result in great chasms of confusion.

If you can't spell it out to make it unambiguous, you have no one to blame but yourself when others fail to understand what you mean.

 

I would suggest that equality doesn't mean equal split. To me, equality is excelling in what you're best at (silly things like 'lying on the couch all day' don't count) to the benefit of both sides. It may not be a complete balanced split in terms of the number of things done, but rather the degree to which both sides give to the their union.

 

After being with the same Mistress for 15 yrs now, we are at a point where if i wish to talk about something i ask if we may talk. She has never said no, as she values my input on things. I will also point out this rarely happens as i have nothing with which i wish to complain about.

 

Every relationship that others can see some kink is going to raise some eyebrows, no matter who’s holding the whip. So on telling others and then assuming we aren’t equal, I guess if they wanted to have that discussion we could, more than likely they would just giggle to themselves and make an interesting story to others.

As far as equal goes...no we are not equal, BUT power freely given is different than power forcefully taken. She respects me, values me, and appreciates me but that doesn’t make us equal. Certain decisions that I gave up however do not make me less and her greater, just unequal. She can have an orgasm whenever she wants, I cannot. That is not equal. I could certainly tell her that I want to be equal again and we would be, but as of right now we aren’t.

It doesn’t make her more and me less, it doesn’t mean we can’t change back when we choose, it just means we treat each other differently and decided that it works for us. In certain aspects yes we are equals, we love equally, we engage equally, and we respect equally. We are partners in the highest sense of the word, but our roles are different and unequal in responsibility and expectations. She has an unequal amount of decision making about sex, activities, etc. I have an unequal amount of foot rubs and oral sex lol...we are not equal. We are partners though, with an abundance of love and respect for each other..

 

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I am too early in my experience with my wife to know if a D/s relationship will develop. However, as my experience grows, I believe that such interactions can be equitable even if things are not traditionally equal. Any restrictions that I allow to be placed on me may create and inequality. However, we may be more equitable in our contributions to the relationship.

The classic example is two people trying to look through a hole in a fence. A tall person can see it easily, but it may be too high for a short person to see. They two people are both equal in their opportunity to see through the hole. If the short person is given a step stool, the two people are no longer equal. One has a stool and one does not. However, it is now equitable as they both now have the height needed to see throughbthe hole.

Do others see D/s like this at all? A mechanism to make the relationship more equitable?

 

having read the posts since I posted the reply quoted above, I wanted to elaborate on why I said that within a D/s relationship things are most likely unequal. Basically it’s because the Domme has no fetters on her wishes, so she can apply double standards if she wants. She obeys no higher law, or she chooses which higher laws she obeys. The sub is fettered to the degree the Domme directs. If that is not unequal I do not know what is, hence my original reply saying that only if the sub can exit such an arrangement at will is it remotely “equal”, and then only in that regard.

 

so agree

 

Yes Ma'am thank you for sharing your thoughts

 

in a fledgling D/S relationship with my wife, I demand more of her now than when we were in a vanilla relationship.
that said, i also give many fold more than i did back then.
in another thread i read someone post abut dabbling in the lifestyle with hos girlfriend. he quickly ruled that it is far too much work to be something more than just bedroom play. sad really, i wish these women would find men who deserve them. effort by both the D and the S in the relationship, is a beautiful thing.

 

That is very well put! And so true!

 

Of course there’s an equality in a D/s relationship. It’s a servitude relationship not a dictatorship. The fact she has only rights and I have only unchallengeable duties towards her doesn’t mean she’s a dictator. We freely choose this lifestyle knowing what it entails. And it also false she doesn’t have duties towards me. Indeed a Mistress leads the relationship so she has a lot of responsibility cause of her power.