Security vs. promise

[JJ MM]

Hello all, this is something I’ve been seeing, that I think most keyholders are misunderstanding.

Whenever I see a new device that’s promised to be near inescapable or cheat-proof, I come to CM to see what people think of it. Usually the conversation starts with some guy asking if it’s really all that secure and whether it’s comfortable. There will be a few replies with yea’s or nay’s, but then there’s a key holder that will write a post about how true security is in your head, and how true chastity is about keeping a promise to your keyholder, because no device is 100% inescapable.

While this is true, I think those keyholders are missing the point of wanting an “inescapable” device.

We don’t want a cheat-proof device because we’re worried about cheating. It’s all about the head space. The more secure a device is, the more powerless and controlled we feel, which is the feeling we crave. The more secure a device is, the more nurtured and loved we feel when we actually get a release, because we know we can’t get it ourselves.

Anti-pullouts, when they work, are wonderful. Because I am never willing to put myself through pain TWICE to shoot a load.
I see anti-pullouts and secure belts as the keyholder keeping me all for herself. “Isn’t that the point of all chastity?” you ask.
Yes! But if I know in my head how easy it is to escape, even though I don’t want to, and don’t, it isn’t as powerful.

A secure device, isn’t about not cheating as much as KNOWING and feeling you can’t.

Do other guys feel this same way?

 

[Lockeduplover121]

I must say I got pierced for this very reason. Knowing I could pull out made it feel like a game than true lock down. I never have pulled out other than to show my wife it was possible. Here in a few days I'll be locked via my piercing. I don't know about others but I'm not ripping my piercing out just to get out .
The headspace has a huge impact on my behavior. We have done both caged and honor system. On the honor system I feel like I'm just doing it for her. Really there's nothing preventing me but myself. The feeling gets better with a cage but I still know if I got desperate I could pull out. Won't be an option soon! And I'm excited to see how it feels.

 

[Guest 3729]

I would agree with you that high security devices are very powerful in the mind of the wearer. It makes the unlocking and release much more powerful almost ceremonial to us guys. My ball trap device is fairly secure except my balls like to hang down by about the middle of the day through the end of the night. At this point my device isn't secure and serves nearly as a symbolic reminder of my position. Now if I get hard, it's impossible to get out of so in the end I look at my current device as kind of a hybrid tool. What I mean is I know I can get out if I really wanted too so I have to exercise self control. When I get a hard on is when I'm most vulnerable to giving in and masturbating. But if I'm wearing my device and get hard There's no way for me to get it out. By the time my erection goes away my self control kicks back in and I can avoid making a mistake.

Personally I'd love to get pierced and make it as secure as possible but my mistress is hesitant about it because she's unsure if she'll like the look or the feel. Currently I've been unlocked for almost 2 weeks which is the longest I've been out for months. I was locked 24/7 from September to the beginning of January and now that I'm out I'm just starting to feel normal to be out of the cage. The only reasons are because my mistress wants to see my cock flopping around and second she wants to know what kind of self control I have, so far I'm passing the test.

I do understand where women are coming from in regards to our self control should be enough. It means more to my mistress that I can tell her I won't self pleasure versus her locking a metal cage over my penis. The cage is definitely fun for both of us but think about it like this... say you have a dog and you're trying to train it. Your ultimate goal is to be able to walk them off the leash and for them to be completely obedient and listen to your commands. This in my opinion is the equivalent comparison to the chastity device. Not wearing a chastity device is the same as being walked without a leash. For some women being able to have their man "off the leash" and obedient means way more than holding a key. It's just a matter of perspective and whose angle your viewing the usefulness of a chastity device from.

 

[Tom Allen]

Back when I was actively blogging, I wrote something that address this idea. Some excerpts from a rather longish post:
Consent and Sensibility

And of course, all of the above people are dissed by the domlier/subbier than thou types who claim that nobody should even need a device, they should simply develop the willpower to do as they are told.

Those of us who enjoy using chastity devices do so because it takes willpower out of the equation entirely. Does Mrs. Edge tie a ribbon around my cock to remind me that it’s her property? No. “Oh, screw that,” she says. “I want to make sure you don’t even have the temptation, let alone the opportunity.” I believe that this sums up the concept rather well; for us, the kink is about her control, not mine. I believe that most other people into using chastity devices have a similar mindset.

Okay, I want everybody to sit down and take a deep breath. Most of you have heard this, but not all of you were listening, so it may come as a shock.

There is no such thing as an inescapable chastity device.

Lock shackles can be cut with bolt cutters. Locks with hidden shackles can be drilled out. And there are very few designs that can not be defeated with a Dremel and a couple of grinding discs. Full belts with metal chains? You can cut the chains and wriggle the belt off. Without chains? They have thin sheet metal cutters that you can slide in along your waistband. High-end “trapped ball” devices like the Gerecke or Steelwerkz? A little tougher because you’ve got to work close to sensitive skin, but still doable with a steady hand and the proper tools. Lori’s and other devices that utilize a PA piercing? The area holding the lock itself is thin, and easily accessible with a small jeweler’s saw. And obviously, plastic devices can be cut or broken.

Now, this is the heart of the argument: If any device can be cut apart, then they’re worthless, right?

No. This is where the emotional/relationship aspect comes into play.

Having established that you can’t be locked up without your consent, let’s examine what that consent entails. In any relationship, and especially in a D/s relationship, we take on roles that match up to some script that we have running in our minds. When there is a large disparity between the script and our real life, we become depressed or restless — a symptom of our unhappiness.

For the men who somehow manage to talk to their partners about chastity and orgasm denial, a lot of them write about their frustration when their wives or partners lock them up for a few days, then leave the keys in plain sight, or forget to lock them back up again, or pretty much ignore the entire situation.

But for those who actually have partners that want to play along, there is usually have a period in which the man gets accustomed to wearing the device for several hours or days at a time, and once broken in, the play starts. Sometimes they use a point system, sometimes it’s random numbers (dice games, darts, lotto picks), or sometimes it’s a pre-determined number of days. Some guys underestimate their ability to hold out, and begin begging for some kind of release. When they do this, are they doing so because they aren’t able to break the cage and have an orgasm? Of course not. This is simply part of the play itself. Chastity enthusiasts want to feel the loss of control, even if it’s illusory, because this meshes with the script in their heads.

In these scenes, the devices have several purposes. Ostensibly, they are to prevent the men from taking control of their penis, presumably through masturbation. In some cases, partners have discovered that the device helps to ease their own feelings of guilt when they don’t feel like having sex; some women say that they would like a massage or some physical attention, and often feel like their partners keep trying to turn those circumstances into an opportunity for sex; the devices can remove the sense of responsibility (“I’m sorry, honey, but the two weeks aren’t up yet.”). Again, an extremely frustrated man can head down to his basement and cut the cage off to masturbate. But they don’t. It’s not because the cage is unbreakable, it’s because so far real life isn’t running too far off course from that internal script.

This is why some smarmy people talk about deviceless chastity; in their internal script, they focus on giving control over to their partners through developing their own self-control, and willingness to forgo temptation. In their scripts, overcoming such trials adds to their sense of self-worth. Similarly, those people who are more serious about their desire for actual loss of control will seek more “serious” devices because it adds to the believability of the script. This is why fantasies of unbreakable, uncuttable carbon-diamond unobtainium devices are so common — a lot of people enjoy the idea of loss of control. This isn’t so surprising when you consider that in other types of scenes, whippings, piercings, cuttings, and other types of sensation play are often accompanied by some kind of restraint. By the way, this points up the reason that the deviceless crowd is so annoying — they dont’ seem to understand that there is a huge disparity in the internal scripts that we like to play out.

I should point out that in addition to using chastity devices, some people choose to enhance their sense of loss of control by using some kind of a contract. True, it’s not legally enforceable, but that’s beside the point. The contracts usually have clauses and stipulations as to such things as the frequency of orgasm (thereby giving some feeling of safety for men who might not be sure how well they will deal with the denial), and consequences for contrived infractions such as begging for an early release, or “unauthorized” orgasms (via an unsecured device, or for those occasions when their partner fails to lock them back in). Again, the contracts are just a way to add some realism to the script, by reinforcing the idea of relinquishing control.

I've got a lot more jibber-jabber to slog through, so I just posted the important bits.

The point (well, there are several, I guess) is that when you talk about chastity devices vs the honor system, you're really talking about two different kinks, and the two corresponding scripts running in one's head. Those people who prefer devices are kinking on the actual loss of one's own control, while those who talk about the honor system are really talking about an aspect of *self* control.

Chastity devices need to have some semblance of security (i.e., be difficult to pull out of) in order to maintain believability with the script in one's head; the more secure, the easier it is to maintain the script. To ask a man who is kinking on some cool, sexy, shiny stainless steel chastity device to just "promise not to touch it" is asking him to not just deviate from, but to completely swap out that script.

tl;dr: apples vs oranges.

 

[LockedDiaperedSissy]

I already know that I could pull my wee wee out of my chastity device, a Holy Trainer version 3. Have I done so? No! For me it's more about the constant reminder that my wife demands that I be locked up. Out of respect for my Queen my wee wee will stay tight in my little pink cage like my wife wants it.