Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

Yesterday was a pretty good day, work sucked, but home life is very good, if a little frustrating.

Talked to Mistress Wolf yesterday morning about the comments in my previous post, She listened to me explain my thoughts, added a couple of comments and closed the conversation on a good note. i think i may still be more submissive than She wants, but i'm not sure what to do about it now, it is just the way i am and have been put together by the way things have happened. i'm not whiny, etc, but a little clingy and stuff, but i think She is accepting the fact that i'm doing the best i can to balance it all right now.

While home at lunch, after we ate, Mistress took me to the bedroom for some "Nakee funtime"! Nakee happened, but as soon as we were in bed and started getting things going Mistress's innards decided it was time to do other things.... Just long enough to wake the beast (solid erection)... SO, we talked a bit, and then i got dressed and went back to work, with Mistress's comment of "We'll try again tonight..." ringing in my ears! i was okay with how it worked out, Mistress was not comfortable, and it is for and about her. i was allowed to spend nakee time with Her, to touch Her, and be there with Her.

After work, i came home, showered, then helped prep dinner. After dinner i cleaned the kitchen, got most of the stuff ready for our Thanksgiving road trip, did a load of laundry, and a couple of other things. but had a little bit of a migraine (probably due to fuel vapors in the shop at work), so i took a migraine pill and had a big slug of water. After Little One went to bed i was hopeful on Mistress's "try later" comment, and after finishing everything i needed to do i looked to Mistress with questioning hope. She asked me "Yes?". i replied "i was just wondering if?". She replied "Not tonight...". me "Yes dear."

Just a few days ago this would have spun me into a funk, filling my head with doubts, but last night i was mildly disappointed and frustrated, but okay with it. i really think i have turned the corner on this issue! Even knowing that most likely nothing will happen for several days (we are going to my Dad's for Thanksgiving weekend) i am doing okay. Mistress is touching me more frequently, just a passing grope or a quick kiss, i was even allowed lip kisses again yesterday!

I've wondered if Mistress Wolf is practicing Her Tease and Denial technique, and have jokingly commented along those lines, but She said She was not, it's just the way things have worked out. At times i don't think She could do T&D much more effectively on purpose though!!

So happy things are getting better and settling in to a new normal. I LOVE Mistress Wolf and am honored to be hers... Happy tail wags!!!

 

Left after work Wednesday, down to Dad's house for the first major holiday without Mom... sobering few days, Mistress Wolf and i talked each morning and night about our feelings, and pain, and as much as i dislike saying it, i really wish we had not had to be there.

I love my Dad, and want to be there to help and support him through this loss, but he is so difficult to be around most of the time. Very passive-aggressive person. There were some good times and some laughter, and some sad times talking about mom, but overall it was just a very uncomfortable visit. Obviously no nakee fun time, but lots of comforting touch and support to help us get through.

So ready for 2015 to be over and done with...

 

After a long night back at home i am up and getting ready to go wake Mistress Wolf and Little One, have breakfast plans with good friend (who knows) and his daughter.

Last night after going to bed, i laid there for what seemed like an hour before finally falling asleep. Mistress Wolf held my hand as is normal, except at one point She rolled onto Her side, dropping my hand as She did so. Assuming she was done i just let it lay where it was dropped, but Mistress reached over, picked it up and laid it on Her hip. This was a first and i was unsure what to do so i left it there for a minute, then rolled onto my side behind Her, switched hands and let my left hand drape over Her, with my right hand on my own leg and my arm between us so i wasn't actually spooning Her. Laid this way for quite a while before waking up to find I had rolled over the other way.

This morning She got up to use the bathroom and came back to bed, i recovered her and offered my hand again. She gently covered it with Hers for a bit then shifted , leaving my hand touching Her leg. i rested my hand on Her leg for a few minutes until She shifted again. i took this as "enough", and moved away.

This is the one thing i dislike, the confusion of what She wants me to do. Did She want me to snuggle and hold Her close last night, or just what i did. I couldn't ask at this point as it would have broken Her going to sleep, but so would doing something She didn't want.

I am also left wondering about the 2-5% that we have not been able to reconnect on since the August issue. She has repeatedly told me we are 95-98% back to where we were, but that we may never get the rest back. i the more i think on it (and i need to talk to Mistress Wolf about this) the more i believe that last 2-5% is lack of trust and loss of sexual interest/intimacy due to what i did. It saddens me to even think this, but if i am right at least i will be able to accept the new normal and move on. As i said, i need to talk with Mistress Wolf about this.....

Time to wake Mistress and Little One and get the day started.

 

Spoke with Mistress Wolf about the missing percentage, and i was right, it is the trust and the loss of sexual desire/intimacy with me due to what I did back in August.

This is the new normal, and i will just have to get used to the way things are now, as i brought it on with my own stupidity and actions. Maybe over time we may regain some of what is still lost, but with Mistress Wolf actively looking for a boyfriend and partner the odds seem to not be in my favor.

All i can do is to be there for her however She wants or needs me, and to be happy for what we still have together. i do hope She finds someone who can give Her what i may never be able to again.

 

Another long night, even being as tired as i was i was not able to go to sleep for over an hour. Once in bed Mistress Wolf again took my hand and held it after She fell asleep.

Yes, i am still having problems with everything this past year has thrown at me, i am better than i was a few weeks ago, but not as good as i want to be... Prior to bedtime we did talk more about what is going on in my head and i have tried again to explain that sometimes all i need is a hug or some positive contact to help pull me back up, instead of just ignoring it and letting me work thru it alone (which normally ends up with a death spiral). i feel so bad for having to ask for Her attention when i am sinking in my own thoughts, it's difficult to ask when part of the problem is feeling lost and unwanted.
Mistress Wolf also told me point blank last night "Don't tell me how long it's been since the last time... ", i replied "yes dear." Right now i'm not even sure when the last time i was allowed to pleasure Her was, and am not going to backtrack here to figure it out. Due to timing and nature i think it's going to be at least another week at this point before i may be allowed again....


Be careful what you wish for... Indeed......

i may be frustrated, confused, and somewhat messed up, but i am still so deep in Love with Mistress Wolf that it actually hurts....

 

Jasmic,
Thank you, yes, August was a major f/u on my part, and was almost a relationship ender. There are a couple of other issues still working also.... between healing the broken hand, the bullshit job (and idiots I work with), etc., it's more than I can handle at once, and that is why I have such huge emotional swings...

Mistress Wolf understands what is going on, but that doesn't make it any easier on either of us.

All I can do is go minute to minute...... it's not even a day to day thing.

 

Doing better again today, i really hate posting the downside posts, but they are a very real part of the relationship and the journey right now. typing out my thoughts and feelings, even the really depressed ones, helps me really look and think about things, and lets me go back and look at where i was, why and for how long, and what brought me back again.

It really is a change in the thought process to give total control to Mistress Wolf, and then have to accept whatever attention and contact SHE decides to share.

As i posted before, this year has truly been a rough one: Back problems, Migraines, breaking my hand, breaking away from Mistress C and the dark attacks, losing my Mom, dealing with my Dad, the August issue, the punishment and loss that August caused, My job, Lack of funds due to lost time at work, Another dark attack by one we thought was a friend (but now believe was working with the former Mistress C), the issues with Mistress Wolf's NSE with the manfriend who then flaked, and a few other issues.

The fact Mistress and i are still moving forward is a testament to Her love and support, and Standing Order #1, There is no going back. Not sure what i would have done if i had lost Mistress Wolf, or had been left to my own thoughts and devices...

Mistress Wolf IS my Love, my Life, and my reason for being and going on. Thank you so much Mistress...

 

Had a pretty good day yesterday, with an interesting twist in the evening... Mood is leveling off again after the downturn over the weekend, and Mistress Wolf is happier with me.

Last night after dinner was Mistress's dance class, after She left i was surfing FB and CM while Little One got a shower. Had to use the bathroom (we have 2), and as i was finishing heard Little One turn off the shower, so i just stripped and took mine. After washing i needed to shave below, so applied my shave gel, and got to work. i always get a little erect while shaving due to the handling, but about 3/4 of the way thru shaving all the sudden i had an unauthorized orgasm... i wasn't doing anything to provoke it, just the normal hold and move as i shaved, and it wasn't even a full orgasm, no build up, no arousal, just one spasm and a small release, no pleasure or satisfaction. Actually I was panicking as soon as it happened, worrying about how i was going to explain it to Mistress Wolf and how She would react....

Finished my shower, put on my house uniform (black silk lounge pants and matching top with red details), finished my evening chores, and waited for Mistress Wolf to get home. When She arrived i asked if She wanted a full bath or just a foot bath (foot bath last night), and, once She was settled and soaking, i sat down beside Her and told Her there was something i needed to tell Her. Her response was "Good or bad?" i didn't really answer Her question, just quietly (and shamefully) told her what had happened, basically as typed above, and waited for Her reply. After mulling it over for a moment She replied that since it wasn't intentional or provoked there would be no discipline required.

To say i was relieved is an understatement. i was prepared for it to be a much bigger issue, but Mistress Wolf agreed it was pretty much the same as a nocturnal emission (wet dream). i still feel bad that it happened, but don't know if there is anything i could have done differently to prevent it, have never had anything like that happen before, and hopefully it doesn't ever happen again!

 

Finally Friday, and almost the weekend!

Has been a very good couple of days, mood and attitude are better, and i think my honesty and integrity in reporting Tuesday's mini-O to Mistress Wolf may have helped too.

We spent an hour last night online chatting with a new possible man-friend who seems like a good match, planning to chat more tonight and hoping Mistress takes the lead so i can go do other things while they chat. Not going to get my hopes up yet, but seems to be a decent guy.

On the work front, boss has told the biggest problem co-worker his position is being terminated at the first of the year. Hate to see anyone loss there job, but... work will be better without him there.

 

Hitting an interesting point right now, kind of a 2 headed thing, but both related.

First, for the first time in a LONG time, well before Mistress wolf and i got married, i have no idea how long it's been since i have orgasmed, or even had any kind of sex play.... With everything going on the past month or so, being sick, the holiday, etc i have actually lost track. i know it's been a while, and i could look back in my journal here and figure it out, but i really don't want too, if that makes any sense.

Second, i am content. i am not locked, but controlled, no sex, but have the intimacy again (talk, touch, tease), and am good with that. I would love to pleasure Mistress Wolf, but it is not my choice that matters. Our relationship is stronger than it has been in a while, She is happy, I'm doing good.

My mood and attitude this week are back to normal, i'm sure i will have down days, but think i'm through the worse of it again.

 

A little down today, but not like before. Mistress is studying for finals in Her math class, and is worried about it, so probably nothing will happen tonight. Sometimes i really wonder if this is the "new normal", if i will be kept chaste from here on. Not sure i could do that...

There is no going back, so forward is the only way. What that future will bring i don't know

 

Was right about last night... As soon as Little one went to bed at 9 Mistress finished Her book and turned off the tv, and we went to bed... It took me a while again to get to sleep, the last 4-5 days i lay there wide awake for anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours before finally sleeping, but I only had to get up once to let the dog out and to pee.

Feeling a little better again today, more hoping Mistress wolf does well on Her test than hopeful for sex though. If She passes this math test She can move on to Her final math course that She already signed up for, if not She'll have to withdraw and take this one again. Fingers crossed, She is working so hard to get it done, got an 85% on Her pre-test yesterday...

i have a job interview for a new company this afternoon, not one I really want as the drive is close to an hour each way, but i have to get out of where i work now before it kills me....

Time to go wake Little One and get my day started...

 

From the initial scoring it appears Mistress Wolf has passed Her math class... Will know for sure a little later today, but looks to be a 79% on the final!

So proud Mistress Wolf !!!!

 

Tuesday evening, waiting for Mistress Wolf to return from Dance Class. 99% chance of no "nakee fun time".

Still haven't gone back and figured out just how long it's been, at this point i don't think i want to know.... Not locked, Mistress Wolf trusts me to follow directions, and i won't break that trust...

 

Today Mistress Wolf and i were chatting on FB while i was at work, have to admit i did not even want to go to work today, but Mistress chose not to permit me to stay home, so off i went.

Anyway, while chatting i told Her i was feeling less than great, and when asked why i told Her "everything, work, dad, money, us, etc" Mistress messaged back a reassuring message "We are 99%..."

We continued messaging for a while as that fact sank in, and as it did i could feel the stress level dropping and physically was feeling better. Eventually i had to log off to deal with work things, but am again feeling positive.

Not sure if Mistress Wolf has any plans for tonight or not, not my issue to worry about. If She chooses to allow me the privilege of pleasuring Her i will do all i am allowed for Her. If She chooses not to, i will be okay with that also, and still do what i am allowed.

 

Last night ended on a very good note, shortly after typing up my last post here Mistress Wolf came over to stand beside me. i looked up and simply asked "May i interest you in some fun time?", she replied "I was just thinking the same thing!". And, off to the bedroom we went!

Not going to give much detail, but as thing where heating up, and i was gently massaging Her lady parts she whispered "I want your tongue where your fingers are...!" and it's kind of funny because i was just about to ask basically the same thing..! This same thought at the same time thing has happened several times this past week (not just about sex, either), so we really are getting our connection back it seems.

Needless to say, great pleasure ensued, including Mistress holding my head in place (with some hair grabbing at times!), and some facial expressions i have so missed seeing. i also felt a little pride when Mistress Told me "You feel much bigger after going so long without...", not sure if there was a subtle hint of more extended denial periods in that or not... lol.

Happy Mistress, happy wolf

 

First serious monthly check-in with Mistress Wolf is set to be had sometime this weekend, possibly Friday or Sunday evening. This is a recent change after the August fiasco, and rebuilding everything. Not sure what to expect, and have a few things to ask to bring into the discussion.

 

Doing some thinking this morning about what is upsetting me, beyond the events of this past year, which i believe kind of opened the gate for me emotionally. The thing i keep coming back to is the not knowing... Not knowing what Mistress is thinking, whether She is pleased with me or not, or how the relationship is doing (even though i know it is good and getting better). Not knowing when i'll be allowed to pleasure Her, and other similar things.

i know these are things that are not my concern anymore, that it is just my wolf, the Alpha, still trying to take the lead, and the loss of control , the TRUE loss of control, is much harder to adapt to than it seems it should be.

Mistress Wolf has told me exactly one time "You have to have faith and trust me.". i am realizing just how little i have ever truly trusted anyone before....

As we continue the search for a 3rd, a man-friend for Her, i struggle, not with the thought of Her and Him, as this is something i have truly desired for Her for a while now, but i struggle with my own feelings and thoughts, my fear of being left behind even though i know our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been before. The fear is unfounded, but the fact i still fear it does affect Mistress Wolf too, as it appears to be a lack of trust and faith in Her and Her choices.

It is the fear of the unknown, and the answers to get past it lie in the trainwreck that is my mind right now. Mistress has been very understanding and knows i am slowly sifting through everything, weeding out the garbage and hanging on to the love and strength that is us. The Holiday's will be difficult, as i have already told my dad we will not be able to come down next weekend (He wanted to have Christmas together early this year), and i feel the guilt from that along with the loss we all have.

But, all in all, Mistress Wolf and i are stronger now than ever before, we are back to 99% of what we had, but it is much more than that. i feel i am truly connected heart and soul to Mistress Wolf in ways i have never felt before, and that may be part of why i fear loss so much. i honestly do not think i could live without Her, and KNOW i would not want to, if things fell apart. i don't think i have ever truly felt this way about anyone or anything before and it is a little scary to realize the depth and breadth it has taken.

All i can do is take it minute by minute, day by day, and trust in Mistress's strength and leadership, do what i can to share my strength with Her, and be there for Her in any way i am able.

Sorry for rambling, this post is really more for me to sort things out and to be able to see and think about it more.

Anyway, time to wake Mistress Wolf for the day...

 

Mistress Wolf and i had out Monthly check in at lunchtime today. Not a lot to discuss as we have been talking a lot recently, and with Mistress just finishing Her college course (with a mid-B, btw) and just now able to relax and process things, She did not have any significant issues from Her perspective.

i asked to discuss 4 relationship issues and one other. First, With Mistress' permission, i tried to clearly explain my thoughts concerning my bouts of depression and how i thought She may be able to help me by just bringing it to my attention and possibly giving me a reassuring thought to focus on instead. i believe i was able to help Her understand better what i am dealing with, and how much i need Her help. i also offered the thought that as She reads through the various books on FLR, Mistress/sub relations, etc, She may find things that She wishes to alter or add to our relationship, and will learn things that will help both Her and i on our journey.

Second, i brought up how seeing my dad's situation and his personal condition are affecting me. This goes back to the thought of loosing Her and trying to survive without Her. Seeing dad in a different light than i have in the past helps me see the things i need to change in myself to prevent the same future.

Third, i asked if the current 3 month trend of being allowed to pleasure Her once a month was Her planned normal now. Mistress Wolf and i discussed this one for a bit, and Her thoughts are that things should come back to wards the "old" normal as things continue to work through. She has not intentionally denied me, but with illness's, school, work, the stress of the Holiday's, etc, that is just the way things worked out. Before things went crazy back in March/April, there were times She would allow me to please Her several times a week. My thought and how i explained it to Her was, "If once a month is the new Normal, i will learn to deal with it, if She ever chooses to shut me completely i am not sure i would be able to, but will do my best to live within Her choice".

Fourth, we discussed the search for Her 3rd, that the timing may not be right and that we would not try to force the situation. If someone comes into the picture that She feel right with then game on. i explained that i have been mentally messing with myself, thinking up situations (such as Her going on a Lunch date with follow-on play, etc..), to make myself think clearly through them, basically training my mind and emotions that it is okay so that when the time comes i am more prepared for it. We are chatting with a couple of guys, one looks promising, but Mistress has told him She will not rush into things this time, and that the transition from on-site chat to phone/text, and then the first FTF meeting will not happen until after New Years. He is good with building it up slowly and making sure it is founded on friendship first.

and finally, the non-relation issue. This one i can't give much detail except to say that i am faced with a decision to either continue on a path to earn club membership, or walk away. Due to everything going on i had to step back from seeking membership, but the members of the club have told me to just ask if i needed anything. in the nearly 3 months since i stepped back only 3 have contacted me to see how things were, but overall there has been minimal contact. It has made me realize where i stand in the club, and has me reconsidering if the effort is worth the membership. Mistress Wolf understands my thoughts, and has said She will stand with me either way... i would really like to complete the path, but it just doesn't seem as important anymore. More thought and soul searching for this one...

 

Just a short, quick update:

Had a good, quiet weekend, Mistress Wolf and i talked quite a bit again, still Chatting online with a couple of possible man-friends but nothing serious yet.
i am slightly disappointed, but not depressed, because i was not allowed to pleasure Mistress Wolf over the weekend, BUT things are getting better still.

The last few days She has been taking my hand during the night, holding on to me as we sleep, which is nice and very reassuring. Then, last night after going to bed, She got up to use the bathroom and when She came back to bed She told me She was cold, and said i could cuddle with Her if i wanted. As much as i wanted to cuddle (it's been a LONG time) i held back and quietly replied "It's not about what i want Mistress.." She restated and said "I'm cold, cuddle with me.".

I gently took my fight hand from Her and slid it under Her pillow, scooted close to Her and wrapped my left arm around Her waist, putting as much of myself in contact with Her as possible, but keeping Her property politely tucked between my legs. We fell asleep curled together for the first time in probably a year.

i slept so good until the neighbors dog started barking outside out window... ugh.. got up, put our dog out, peed, let the dog back in and climbed back into bed, trying not to disturb Mistress Wolf's sleep. When i gently placed my hand against Her hip (just enough to feel the warmth of Her skin) She took my hand and held it close to Her, sighed, and slept on.

i am finding that while actual sex is fun, passionate, and euphoric, these intimate little things are really all i need. To know Mistress Wolf does still love and care for me, to share this connection again, makes it all work. THIS is what i have been missing, the true intimacy and connection with Her, and i am SO happy our relationship and our soul connection is still strong after everything this year has thrown at us!