Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

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Already Wednesday... been a busy week, and Mistress Wolf is feeling under the weather again... yea....... i am doing everything i can for Her, all that i am allowed anyway. Mistress and i have talked, and come up with a way for Her to "instruct" me to do things without actually giving orders, if there is a particular task She wants done She will leave a visual clue for me to figure out.

If the bathroom cabinet needs toilet paper restocked She leaves the door open, if She wants Her Key necklace put away She leaves it in sight on the counter, etc. Yes there is some leeway in this, and room for me to screw up if i read the signs wrong, but She is making more use of me.

Monday evening Mistress told me she had thought about allowing me to pleasure Her before bed, but then felt a little blah, so didn't. Tuesday at lunchtime i respectfully asked Mistress if i could do anything for Her before going back to work, She replied no, but maybe tonight. Tuesday is dance class night, and not good odds for playtime after. i was correct, nothing happened. Today She said She feels better, but ... If, when Little One is in bed, Mistress asks me to log into YIM chat, then i know nothing is going to happen. i am hoping to get Her chatting with the potential man-friend we have been chatting with,a nd let Her take over for some private chat with Him.

Still have clothes to fold, need to get my shower, and the dog is shedding so the carpets always need to be vacuumed.

Doing okay though, not depressed, just doing without.

i do love Mistress Wolf with everything that i am....
 
Two more things happened last night...

1. I figured out why Mistress and i both felt bad since Monday evening... Monday after work I went out to the shed and brought int he Christmas decorations.... they got damp and smell moldy. i put them out in the garage before bed, and feel better this morning.

2. After putting Little One to bed, Mistress Wolf had me log into YIM to see of Her potential Man-friend was online. He had posted a while before that he was logged in and would check occasionally to catch us. About 15 minutes later, with no contact from him, Mistress came over to where i was to see what was going on, and when there was no active chat, "suggested" i log out and go undress.... :)

With both of us having allergy reaction to the Christmas decorations I wasn't sure if it would happen or not, especially when Mistress said no kissing or oral, but i was allowed to please Her! i did tell Her a couple of times that if She just wanted to cuddle or wasn't really into it i understood, and was told "No, I want this, my mind wants this, I want this.". i thought about asking that i not be allowed to finish myself, but it is not my place to ask either way... When Her big one hit i felt it too, and when She told me "NOW!" i was able to finish with Her pushing Her to that much higher of a finish.

While talking afterwards, Mistress commented that the urge to play hit Her without much thought, and that the play itself was more intense, more like it used to be, albeit a "quickie" as She had wanted. She said the stress was going away, and things really are getting good again.

Very happy wolf this morning, big smile and tail is wagging, even if my allergies are still bothering me a little!
 
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After reading @Jasmic68 's latest posts, and the comments of @Malagacouple, I wanted to add another thought.

In my last post i commented about last nights "quickie" as if it was just sex, a playful romp. That could not be further from the truth. i was allowed to share in the physical manifestation of the Love between Mistress Wolf and myself, to come together and strengthen the bond between us.i was allowed to intimately pleasure Mistress Wolf in a way of HER choosing, and as SHE desired. We shared one of the most intimate expressions of love there is, the merging of 2 hearts and spirits into one connected being.

Almost the entire time my thoughts were focused on reading Her expressions and body language, trying different things to bring Her more pleasure, to hold Her at different points, and finally, as i felt Her starting to clamp down during the final accent, making sure i was there to give what SHE wanted when She needed it.

Not that far back my focus would have been on finding positions that increased my pleasure, on getting Her there, but not really making it about Her. Thinking about last night makes me realize how much my thought process and my focus have changed as we travel this path.

It is an amazing Journey, if you let it grow and develop as SHE chooses!

Time to wake Mistress Wolf and get busy on my morning chores. Wishing everyone a great day!
 
I'm not sure if our comments are good or bad now! We certainly didn't mean to upset anyone. Our approach is for us and works for us, we aren't trying to influence or criticise in any way
 
Malagacouple said:
I'm not sure if our comments are good or bad now! We certainly didn't mean to upset anyone. Our approach is for us and works for us, we aren't trying to influence or criticise in any way
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@Malagacouple and @Jasmic68, Your comments made me realize my own comments did not express the true feelings behind how things are, and made the time spent with Mistress Wolf seem reduced to a just a sexual thing. My second post was inspired by your post and Jasmic's comments, and the revelation they provided was a very positive one.

Thank you both!
 
Phew, we didn't get it wrong! I can only speak for Del and me, but he doesn't think of me a just a sexual thing nor do I think that about him. However, as a part of our marriage we have found sex to be many faceted, the main thing for us is to enjoy the facets we indulge in, and never close our minds to new ideas.
 
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I do enjoy indulging in some facets ;)

It is certainly true that the comments I get on my journal make me reevaluate the language I am using and the inevitable editing I do as I am writing. I think one of the most powerful comments was from you @Caged Wolf , when you encouraged me to write about the bad as well as the good. It makes my journal much more honest and having got the other side of the problems I was experiencing it is good to go back and read what I wrote while still distressed.

Another comment with impact was about how chastity is not just about the sex. It is all the things you do for your partner that just happen on a day to day basis. I have just been to our local bakerei with my Wife, had a lovely coffee (no cake though, we need to lose weight!) and just caught up. It was lovely.

But you are also so very right, when I was making love with my wife on Sunday I was feeling for her response, looking for the things that brought her enjoyment. It was only as she reached her conclusion that I let myself go and, in her words, gave her a John Wayne walk and a smile to go to work with the next day :D
 
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The web causes so many problems because it is so easy to press send. We do try to think before we commit to the ether, but have been known to get it wrong. We just hope for forgiveness when it happens. Which, in a roundabout way gets back on topic.

In a marriage we get things wrong, not on purpose, but it happens. We do it. We always manage to move on, I know it's trite, but we always make up before sleep. As long as we do that we are secure.
 
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Good day again yesterday, my mood and attitude are back o the good side again and things are good around the house. Got Christmas decorations up, this is the first year i have done everything... Mistress Wolf gave Her input on what decorations to use, told me it was time to retire some of my old ones, etc. Everything here seems to be leveling off again as we all settle in.

Last night i connected on YIM with one of the potential man-friends, chatted for a little bit relaying comments to Mistress. After a bit i asked Mistress Wolf for permission to go take my shower and She took over the chat for 1/2 hour or so, having a little one on one quiet time with him. Not sure if it will go anywhere, but it is still forward progress on the path to the relationship Mistress Wolf and i are seeking.

Time to get things going for the day... Happy Mistress, Happy wolf!
 
Not having the best weekend, not bad but could be better. No play, a little bit of teasing, and a lot of outside stresses building up.

Friday morning at work I ducked under a truck on the lift and ran headfirst into the opposite tire, shocking my neck and back so now my neck and lower back are out of sorts again. Saw the chiro Friday afternoon, will be going again in the morning.

Saturday, road trip to visit "auntie" and other friends, but got caught in craptacular traffic, and the normal 1.5 hr drive turned into 2 plus... Also dealing with missing a meeting for the club i'm still trying to decide if Ii am going to complete membership with or not, so have that rattling round my head. Missed one family we wanted to see on the trip, but left their gifts for them. More rolling roadblock traffic on the way home, even though we took an alternate, backroad route.

Today, Sunday, back is bothering me, my head (migraine) is about a 1.5 on a 1-4... brother called to let me know Dad had called him to say his (dad's) dog will probably not make it to Christmas... Need to call dad and talk, but dread the call (seems so wrong of me), and also have to let him know we will not be able to visit again until after New Years. going to be a fun call...

Mistress Wolf is sick-ish, not bad but enough to be uncomfortable, so not sure if our plans for today are a go or not at this time, but that is part of the reason for no playtime this weekend. So tired of us being sick, hurt, upset, stressed, etc... So ready for 2015 to be over and done and try again next year.

Trying not to let myself fall into depression again, more angry at life right now. Suppose to be a Happy time, adn i just can't get there right now.
 
It seems to me like life is hanging up on you. Your writing makes me think you two need to batten down the hatches and start thinking about yourselves rather than everyone else. Not easy I know, but I totally understand how you feel about the dog situation.
 
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Dad's dog is his last companion, and having to watch her health failing (as is his), and the thoughts of being alone... I need to be there for him, and right now I can't. As you said, battening down and making sure we are good first.

Life is about change, sometimes it's not fun or happy, but it will get better again.
 
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Well, Mistress Wolf and i went to a Poly social/tea today, or more truthfully, showed up and then left before it started. Mistress wasn't ready for the size group, and wasn't comfortable, as we don't really know anyone in the group other than from the online forum. We went to another restaurant and had lunch and discussed it some, still made a good day out of it.

It's a step in that direction though.
 
Caged Wolf life can really suck at times and all you can do is make the best decision you can at the time and go with it. I base my decisions on trying not to create regrets and to enjoy life. Obviously I do not always succeed but if I try to do the right thing and I get it wrong it's much easier to deal with. I suppose that's why myself and Miss now can talk openly and we do have a policy on not going to sleep angry which has helped massively but does occasionally lead to a late night. From my interpretation of your story you seem to have similar objectives I am feeling for you in this and I really hope 2016 is an awesome year for you both. Wishing you well.
 
@wishful Thank you, i'm trying very hard to stay positive and to be what Mistress Wolf wants me to be. It is still a roller coaster, though not as wild anymore as i learn to adjust and adapt to the changes. Mistress Wolfs desire for me is confusing at times, When we talk She says She does not want a sub, but a partner, and an FLR relationship, but some of the things going on seem to be more D/s than FLR. She is definitely in charge, and likes that but is also uncomfortable taking charge....

We talked again last night after i threw a small tantrum. To explain, i know She hasn't felt 100% this week, but at lunch and at dinner was saying She was feeling much better. i ASSUMED since it was the Winter Solstice and Yule there would be some play time, but when i got my evening chores done and Mistress's Christmas presents wrapped, and mentioned my interest in pleasuring Her, She replied, "oh, let me get you Little Ones presents, they need to be wrapped too." Acknowledged my thoughts, but turned the conversation, pretty much just shut the door on me, so i went and changed the smoke detector batteries, then "expressed" myself when a couple of them started beeping after being changed... Yes, i knew i was wrong for doing it, Yes, i know better. i was just frustrated and a little hurt that Her sexual interest in me is so far removed from what it was less than a year ago ((before 2015 turned on me)), but i also know that my attitude is part of the reason for this also.....

We talked as we got ready for bed, She asking why i seemed to get grumpy all the sudden. i finally calmed myself enough to think clearly and we had a fair discussion about it. During the discussion Mistress commented that i need to find the calm, contented place i was in at the Halloween party, but didn't know what She could do to help me get there again. She did say "if you need to put on your Wolf costume and let the wolf out I understand...". i explained (and this was part of the D/s vs FLR conversation) that the calm, contented place was "sub space" and that i had been able to get there by surrendering myself to Her and accepting that She was in charge and in control. We had talked afterwards about it and i tried to explain it then also.

I want to be what Mistress Wolf wants, but finding the balance between FLR and D/s, and between being a Partner/sub/lover, etc has me confused and feeling overwhelmed again. It's like i just find a balance point and think things are good, only to be told "No, that's not it...try again.'

2015 is going in the books as probably the worse year i've ever had.... i just hope and pray 2016 doesn't take that as a challenge.....
 
comfortable tonight, sat wit Mistress Wolf, She in Her chair, i on the floor at Her feet, and just relaxed. Yes, I had my wolf hat on, no, i didn't find the calm, contented place, but i will again.

Mistress and i talked at lunch, and i humbly apologized for my attitude last night. There is so much going on right now it is difficult to stay focused, and to keep myself properly centered, BUT, i also did not allow myself to fall down the hole into depression... As i sorted though the issues i brought them to Mistress Wolf and asked Her to help me.
 
Keep your chin up Wolf. Although its difficult, I'd recommend trying to remove any expectations. Although new to this, I had misconceptions about what would happen and when and this caused me to "fall off the wagon" so to speak. Shortly after this I had the 'eureka' moment where it dawned on me that actually it was what my keyholder wanted that was important and only she would decide what happened, and when.

Despite this being frustrating sometimes (not enough things happening, etc) is this not what it is all about? I have never felt more desire for my wife than now and regret not suggesting this lifestyle some time ago. Even little cuddles and light touches are enough to have me straining against my cage and it has opened up a whole range of other sensual feelings I have never felt before.

By letting go and letting your partner be really in control can be quite exhilarating and I know I have never felt this horny in my life.

Not easy but it is what we have asked for!
 
Mistress Wolf and i have talked more yesterday and today, and i think it may be a turning point onto the right path again. time will tell, but She and i both want to go into 2016 with the relationship on solid ground, and things back to normal again.
 
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Monday morning already...? back to the grind at work today.

Mistress Wolf and I had a very good Holiday weekend, including some "nakee fun time" Saturday evening, She was totally satisfied, i was left numbed and denied, so awesome! She is happy, i'm more than happy, and thinks just keep getting better.

I did a little looking back through my posts, and think i "discovered" something important. my low points seem to run in a repeatable cycle following my being allowed sexual release. The times i was allowed to pleasure Her and have an orgasm myself, between 4-7 days later i suffered from a downturn and on the longer denials there was a second one around the 2 week mark. BUT, when allowed to Pleasure Mistress Wolf and NOT allowed release myself i am able to maintain a little more stability in my emotional control.

I know, not a huge revelation, but this may be the tipping point for Mistress Wolf to keep me denied release more often, especially if things continue to improve and the playtime keeps getting more frequent. We have gone from as long as 28 days of no touch back down to just over a week again, and Mistress has said She hopes to get back to several times a week soon!

But more importantly, our relationship is back on solid, healthy ground again, we are communicating well, the love and light is back in Mistress's eyes and actions, and life is truly good again. There are still things to work on, things going on that will cause stress and discomfort, etc, but we are both learning to cope better, and that working together through them is so much better than trying to do it alone.


Time to wake Mistress Wolf and Little one (Holiday break from school for both, so a little sleeping in is possible), adn start getting things done before heading out the door for work.

Very Happy wold, not currently caged, but still very much under the command of Mistress Wolf and loving it!
 
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@Jasmic68

Reading back, yes there were some really bad times, but there were a lot that were just my head and attitude causing problems. I'm sure i will have down days, but as long as i communicate with Mistress Wolf as soon as i realize what is happening She can help me find my way again. We have done this the last few times i have been struggling and it makes it much easier to turn around. Text/FB messaging, or a quick phone call have all helped, but the FB messaging is fast, easy, and allows me to compose my thoughts a little better than text or phone (still use a flip phone..).

Talking with Mistress Wolf, i realize most of the darkness was of my own making....
 
@Caged Wolf whatever the cause of the darkness the fact that you are coming out of it and standing in the light is still a positive thing to read. I am struggling with my own issues but they pale into insignificance when I read what you are going through, they seem almost childish in comparison.
 
Yes, @Caged Wolf . This is my first real example of something I did not seek that my Wife has instigated. She removed the rest of my leg hair last night using Veet hair removal cream. I would never have done this without her but I absolutely love it. While I am overweight (obese by some measurements but close to being 'only' overweight) my legs are the one part of my body that are healthy and look it, mostly. Up near my thighs they could be more toned but my calves are good.

And yes, I felt really childish for sulking that she had apparently forgotten to remove the hairs of my left leg. I did admit this to her and she just giggled. She is doing that a lot at the moment!
 
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