Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

Last night was a little weird...

Had a good weekend, and a good day Sunday. Went to a get together with friends to welcome Spring, then back home and just relaxed for the evening. Mistress Wolf was stressed about the Final for Her class on Monday, and i jokingly said "I could help you destress..." She replied "Maybe later", good enough, this was around 4-5 pm. Mistress continued working on Her homework and studying for the final until about 7, when Her shows came on. Little one was off to bed at 8:30, right in the middle of one of the shows, then at 9, Mistress Wolf started watching another series She likes. About 9:45 i got back online to check FB for a few minutes, and shortly after that Mistress came over and stood behind me, didn't say anything, so i asked "yes dear?" Mistress asked if i'd like to go get naked.....

Now this is were it gets weird...

Due to all the health issues, etc this past month i have been allowed to please Mistress Wolf once, that was this past Thursday and took a bit to get going, Mistress even commented after that She "wasn't really interested, but She was horny.". by last night i should have been raring to go, but after spending the weekend telling myself "it's okay it nothing happens, nothing to be upset about, there is a lot going on and it is up to Her..." i just didn't have any real interest by this point. There was no lead in, no play, no talking about it, just remove the clothes, get in bed, and was expected to be ready to go.

Once in bed we talked about Her school work, and some other things i don't even remember. i lay there lightly stroking Her hip, She finally reached over and started playing with Her property, but not with any real intent, and in doing so had Her arm over mine so i couldn't really do anything else without drastically changing positions. Needless to say, nothing more happened.... She asked if i was okay or upset, to which i replied "no, , i'm fine.", and was being totally honest. i was not, and am not, upset, maybe a little melancholy, but it just wasn't there last night.

Is this something wrong with me or my attitude, or just the result of the way things are going right now? Everything else has been going great, we've been talking, Mistress Wolf helped me get through the rough part with my eyes, we've laughed and joked, etc, but there just doesn't seem to be much spark. i did talk briefly with Mistress as we got ready for bed afterwards, and explained my thought that telling myself "it's okay if nothing happens..." had lead to being in this frame of mind.

I know i may not get another chance to please Her for at least a week, possibility She may be interested today or tomorrow, but... i'm not going to stress over it, or push for it. i know She has said She wants me to take the lead sometimes, but when i try to get anything started it gets shut down, so i'm left a little confused.

Sometimes i wonder what i was thinking when i gave up control, but i know without that change we would probably not be together now, or if we were it would be a "not good" situation... i love Mistress Wolf with everything that i am and want nothing more that to make her happy, i just need to know what and how......

Time to get the morning started....

 

Lunch at home with Mistress Wolf, almost a daily occurrence and one thing that almost makes the current job tolerable. It's a chance to talk about things without Little ears listening, etc. Mistress Wolf also had her Math class final yesterday and didn't think She did very well so was stressing (passed the class with an 81%! so proud!). After we had finished eating and I had put the dishes away, i asked if She would like to "try again" since Little One had an after-school activity. She replied "Sure, why not..". (not quite the answer i was hoping for, but okay...).

So, off to the bedroom, clothes piles, and in bed. Just as things are getting going a little the phone rings, Little one calling to say the after school activity had canceled... That took our fun time from a "take your time" to a "quicky".

Long story short, Mistress Wolf 2, caged wolf 1. Was hoping to bring Her to the second one without finishing myself, but when She has a good one it just sends me over the edge, which makes Hers even better for Her...

Hoping for one more chance for a longer, more relaxed chance to please Her before the off week, but not looking good...

Even with Sunday nights fail i was able to keep myself on the right track. i guess i am finally accepting that it is not about me anymore.

Love Mistress Wolf SO MUCH. She is my rock, and my reason for being.

 

@Lucy,
I am looking at a couple of belts on DHGate, also... thinking that they might be the better option for me, just need Mistress Wolf onboard first.

 

Talked briefly with Mistress Wolf yesterday evening about getting another device or a full belt. It was brief because Mistress's reply to both was "no" and "no", pretty much end of conversation... Will re-address next time we have our "State of the Union" discussion, and explain my feelings better. If She tells me No again then i will let it go

 

Not a bad weekend over all. got some things done, relaxed some, and did chores... After moving a transmission at work Thursday i had a little discomfort i the groin area, and while getting changed Sunday evening found a VERY tender spot right at the pelvic bone at the bottom of the abdomen.the sore area extends down from that point past the penis and down to the left testical. As I was gently feeling the area i felt something kind of roll and disappear, after feeling a little more i suspected a hernia... just what i need, another medical issue.

Was able to get an appointment at the doctors for this morning, not my PCM, but at this point didn't really care. Was only wearing the 2 cock rings i am to wear at the glans, so as i lowered my jeans for the exam, and the female doctor was turned away, i discreetly reached down and removed the rings and pocketed them. During the exam the doctor noticed my deforestation, and mentioned it, i just didn't say anything about it. Of course the moving "bump" was not there when checked (it's back again now...), but She checked the area asked a bunch of questions and put in a request for an ultrasound. Now I'm waiting for the scheduler for the ultrasound clinic to call back and schedule...

Was doing okay thru the day, until right at quiting time (yes, i went to work after the appointment), and now, 2 hours later it's getting worse again.

Mistress Wolf is obviously not happy about this development, but understands that this is probably what has been causing some of my discomfort off and on for almost a year now. She is worried, as am i, as it will probably require surgery, and result in even more missed work and light duty even after i go back to work again, like there is light duty for a shop mechanic in a small shop.

This is going to throw a wrench in plans for our Anniversary in a couple of weeks.... and i really need a little break from being broken!

 

To all,
i'm sorry if this journal seems to have become an "Oh, poor me" rather than an exciting tale of chastity and domination, BUT it is what i am living in this 24/7 FLR with Mistress Wolf. These health issues and injuries have a pronounced impact on how the sexual side of the relationship plays, and the way we deal with them is part of the maturation of the relationship. It is hard to see sometimes, but Mistress Wolf's actions and reactions to these issues has changed dramatically, She is watching over and checking up on things, asking questions about the how, what, and where, worrying about the medical treatments, etc., along with the stress of finishing Her college degree, running the house, and raising Little One, and planning for our future, all while learning to be a strong, confident leader.

Being able to post true life issues that affect the relationship, and the emotions, affects, and effects these hurdles have is an outlet for me, as well as a path i can look back at and see the journey, both good and bad, see where i ran off the tracks, how things changed, and what works and what doesn't. There are things i post here that sometimes aren't discussed with Mistress Wolf, as they are not Her issues to deal with. There are other issues that are posted so i can hold them up, look at them from other perspectives, and then go talk with Her to figure things out again.

As such, i can see that my emotional side, and attitude are actually holding up better, i am still striving to serve Mistress Wolf in every way i am allowed, i am looking and applying for other employment positions to get away from the stress hole i am currently in, something that is not as demanding of my health, time, and energy. Life is so far removed from what it was when we started along this path, this new journey.

Even with all the trial, tribulation, and loss of the past year i am able to see more clearly now what is important and what is not, and have truly realized that Mistress Wolf IS the single most important thing in my life, Her happiness and well being are my responsibility, my primary reason for being, and all other things are a distant shadow to Her. To be there for Her i need to be healthy, strong, and emotionally open, to be a good steward of Her property (me), and to maintain and care for it in a way that strengthens and improves it.

This is a huge change in how i have always looked at life, i have never been one to do things halfheartedly, and many times have done things that were not good for me in the long run. i have pushed myself beyond my abilities, both mentally and physically, done things that jeopardized our financial security, and risked my life and my ability to provide for Mistress and Little One too many times. With the events of the last couple of weeks still looming large i see how i need to refocus, how i need to change again to be the person She wants and needs me to be, and to ensure i am taking care of Her and therefore myself,...

This is part of the reality of a real FLR or D/s relationship, the learning curve, and because of how our relationship path is it is sometimes not all fun and pleasure, but growth comes form many forces, and i continue to grow and mature...

Many of you living the reality of the lifestyle understand, and maybe there is something i post that helps someone, or causes that moment of consideration that opens a door.


Off to the day, whatever it may bring!

caged wolf
so thankful to have surrendered to Mistress Wolf, my love and my life

 

Got the call from the Ultrasound schedule, who told me the referral was withdrawn, and my case has been referred to General Surgery clinic, so yes, it looks like surgery for the hernia is in the near future... damn it...

 

negative on the flat black cat... it has been rough, but for everything there is a reason....

 

Working with PCM and team nurse, General surgery consult is in, waiting for a call to schedule appointment and surgery... Nothing happening on the pleasure front, Mistress Wolf is worried about causing further damage, so no play, yardwork, etc until cleared to do so... .

 

Surgery consult is Tuesday morning...get to go thru the weekend with the groin pain... awesome

 

Went down to Dad's for the weekend to help take care of some things there. Drove my ass off getting home, was hoping to be able to relax with Mistress and Little one for a while after working/driving all weekend, only to be told " there are 2 baskets of clothes to fold, your work clothes are in the dryer, and you need to wash the clothes you have at your dad's, they smell like cigarettes..." Spent the evening doing chores, finally got a shower about 20 minutes before bedtime...suffice to say i was not happy, with the situation, or with my mood and attitude. Mistress Wolf assigned tasks, i should not have let my old self surface, but i was also extremely disappointed.

Boss at work doesn't seem to care that I am hurt, I try to talk to him and explain the pain I already have, and my concerns for further injury. He just nods and says "I need you to do.... " which is work that is aggravating the injury. This is pushing me to quit and walk away, but with surgery pending I will not be able to start a new job, even if i find one....

Still have not been allowed to pleasure Mistress either, pending outcome fo surgery consult tomorrow, and now Mistress may be coming down with the crud that Little One has been fighting since mid-last week. feeling myself starting to spiral downwards, trying hard not to...

 

Just before bedtime last night Mistress Wolf asked "How are you doing?"
i kind of shrugged my shoulders (was sitting on the floor leaning back against the couch).
Her "I know there is a lot going on, and you don't feel good right now, but you've been grumpy since you got home."
me "To be honest, i am a little upset. i made it home in less than 5 hours (300 mile drive) so i could spend time with you and Little One, and relax a little after working my butt off all weekend, but being told "your work clothes are in the dryer, and your dirty clothes need to be washed, etc., I ended up working all evening here too."
Her "You didn't have to fold all of it, you could have asked to do it in the morning... I was just happy to see you, and proud that I had cleaned the kitchen and done several loads of laundry for you."
me, thinking to myself, "now i really feel like shit....."

This led to a conversation about communication, and Mistress gave me standing permission to ask questions about when and how She wants things done. Until now it's been kind of a standing rule that if there are clothes to fold and put away they just get done, same as the kitchen after dinner, etc. i told Her how the boss at work was basically ignoring the fact i was hurting, and was ready to quit.

She is concerned about my medical conditions, worried about the upcoming surgery, and about us. She started Her last math class, and only needs one more class for Her degree, Little One is sick, Mistress has a scratchy throat (as do i as of this morning...), and the uncertainty of the timeline for us to move else where while trying to find property, plan the move, etc... ... There is a lot on Her mind, i am not forgotten so much as She is overwhelmed by it all.

sometimes it seems like the relationship is slowly shifting, sometimes She takes the power, other times it looks like it would be almost easy to take the power back and return to "before". i don't want to go back, that was part of the deal when this started, "No going back, only forward", She does not want a slave or a dependent sub, but is happy to lead us. i am still struggling to figure out where the balancing line, what She wants from me, etc., but when i ask she normally says "things are good" and doesn't really give me much to guide me.

Left to my own desires and dreams, i would love to be a true, owned sub, for Her to take control, tell me, discipline me, ect. but i know this is not about "me", is is about "He" and Us".

So, i was all bent out of shape over a misunderstanding, mostly on my part.... More communication needed, obviously...

 

and 2 weeks since i was last allowed to pleasure Mistress Wolf is n't helping, especially with the poor performance a couple of days prior, and being rushed when it did happen. It just seems like the intimacy is going away again, whether due to my medical problems, Her school, etc. i need the contact, the intimacy, to be able to share that connection, even if it's not actual sex, but the closeness and knowing we are okay...

 

and now, as of last night Mistress has Little Ones crud. 101 fever, cough, etc... doing what i can to make Her more comfortable, She actually fell asleep in Her recliner last night about 9, got Her up and off to bed about 9:30. Hope she got a better night sleep than i did.

Hoping i don't get the same crud, as coughing with a hernia is brutal, but if i could take it and make Mistress Wolf well i would..... .

 

Ultrasound done, hernia definitely confirmed. Follow up with Gen Surg Doc Friday morning to plan and schedule... sore after having to push against the hernia to get good images. Hope this takes care of a couple of other issues that might be related now that i know what is going on.

Mistress Wolf is feeling a little better, temp is down under 100, and she is off to class. Hope She does okay today, I know she doesn't feel all that good, but She is determined to do Her best!

 

Today is April 7th. To most people it really isn't any different than any other day, just another day to work, to go to school, to live your life.

To me April 7th was and is a day of joy, of happiness, and a day to be thankful for because 13 years ago Mistress Wolf answered an important question with "I Do!", and our lives were forever tied together in front of God, Friends, and family. It has been a long trip that led to where we are now, but I wouldn't change any of it...

Most don't know this, but I came SO close to losing her due to my own stupidity and fear of making the commitment again after my first failed marriage. When I realized how much she meant to me and how much I really needed her in my life I went to her, proposed, and we were married 3 days later by a very good friend and co-worker. He actually got to do it twice, once with a small group in a conference room at work, and then again in July when we had our formal wedding in the front yard at the house.

I got to marry Mistress Wolf twice then, and on our 10th Anniversary we decided to renew our vows and proclaim to our friends that our love will go on. With the help of friends i was also allowed to offer my formal submission to Mistress Wolf, after spending a year learning the basics of the FLR D/s life, and seeing that is was the way we were meant to be.

To my loving Mistress, Thank you for giving me another chance 13 years ago, for seeing past the pain and fear to what was in my heart. I don't know, and don't care, what my life would have been like without you because you have made me who I am today, have loved me when I was unlovable to myself, and stood with me through times when I would have been unable to stand on my own. You have taken the lead, and traveled a path trod by few in this world, taking the role of Alpha and learning who you are meant to be..

There is no way I can truly express how much you mean to me other than to say:

You are my Love and my Life, my reason for being. You have brought Joy and Happiness, and a sense of purpose in allowing me to serve you. For you I have become a better man, learned to open up and love again, and learned to truly submit to your lead. I love you more now than I ever thought I could, and that love is still growing every day and with every lesson.

Thank you Mistress Wolf!