Scared beyond anything

[Ubercurious]

Hi,

Been reading up on the forums content for a bit now and thought I needed to man up and register. Been a long time kink enthusiast, and have learnt about chastity cages a few years ago. Am also into bondage and some other fetishes, but chastity has the most appeal for some reason.

I have been suppressing my kinky feelings for very, very long... and hiding them from my wife as well. Trying to "protect" her I guess from my strange interests. Trying some stuff solo, but never getting that true satisfaction, if you can call it that.
It finally went wrong about a week ago when my wife ran into some porn I watched, while I was away for business.

She then also found a stash of kinky stuff in the closet and things went from bad to worse there. It has forced us to sit down and talk and it confronted me with the fact that I do not really understand my own emotions about these kinky interests I have. If I do not understand them, how can I explain them to someone else?

Hence my registration here to get some more information about myself, so I can learn to talk about it to my dear wife.

Thanks for reading... any tips on how to proceed are very appreciated.

 

[krystalasbaby]

Outside of the obvious (it has happened to alot and not just chastity) because you have kept something from the woman you love and i don't care how long, like myself you have hurt her feelings.
My wife never got over it hence we are ex's.
A question for you, even though she is hurt and angry, i trust enough time has passed since it has happen. My question is has your wife asked you any questions that may show her curiosity to it?
Have you suggested to her maybe she might join and get some info from some of the ladies here?
Let us know what happens and i hope everything turns out ok for you.

 

[HappilyLockedMan]

Hi Ubercurious,

I'm very sorry that you had your initial conversation with your wife under those circumstances.

Please keep in mind that any suggestions you get from people here, including me, are of questionable value because we don't know you or your wife. We inevitably will be projecting ourselves onto you.

My assumptions:
I assume that you are deeply ashamed of your fascination with all of your kinks.
I assume that your wife doesn't have kinky tendencies. Or, if she does she's not in touch with them.
I assume that the two of you don't usually talk openly about sex.

I make these assumptions because that was my truth for many years. My wife and I are now at a point where I'm usually in chastity, with her assent. She prefers me to not be caged but accepts that it's important for me. We talk about it and sometimes will make private jokes about my current condition, be it caged or uncaged.

If shame is a big item for you, as it was for me, that's the biggest, best place to start.

I think that my being in chastity has made me a better lover but, frankly, I don't think that's made much of an impression on her.

Many men on the forums speak about how it improves their behavior and how it helps their wives because now they do so much more around the house. I have always been super involved in doing what needs to be done. I haven't viewed house work as being her work.

For me, our conversations have always circled back to me, that chastity and bondage and more is what I want. Her acceptance that I have kinky desires has been a huge help in my accepting myself. Chastity is the only one of my kinks that she participates in. Her willingness to participate in this makes it easier for me to put my other kinks on the back burner.

Good luck to you.

 

[cagedcd]

Welcome and good luck

 

[Frolicking]

I wish you more then welcome and good luck Ubercurious. Out of experience I can tell you that communication is the name of the game. I assume you and your wife love each other. Nevertheless we all tend to hide things. Sometimes 'cause we must. Sometimes 'cause we think our partners are not up to it.
You will be surprised to know that our partners have also things they won't tell you. Not necessarily sexual.
Opening up will help. You love your partner for a reason. Being kinky does not change that. But it goes both ways. She can also tell you what bothers her, or the things she might like. So sit down together and start talking. About your fears and anxiety. But listen carefully when she speaks out about hers. Being married or even unmarried is not only about you. So try to be as open as you can and at the same time make clear that in the love department nothing has changed. But start communicating!
Even if it seems hard to do.

 

[LesterBallard]

welcome. Hope you come to an understanding of your desires

 

[Ubercurious]

Thanks you all for your input. Just glad to read I am not the only one, and compareable situations even!

Funny thing, is, she finding out is probably the best thing that could have happened. Ofcourse she was very upset that I had hidden this from her, but she understands why now. She spoke about her own fears as well all of a sudden and we have had conversations about stuff we haven't talked about in years! She has an open mind, but has a lot of fear herself.

Still awkward at some points ofcourse, especially on the trusting me part. She went for groceries and said when she came back, that she had been afraid of me going at it on my own again. I assured here this was not the case. She knows now about my kinky self and I do not want this self gratification (followed by self loathing) ever again. I want her so much to be (however small) a part of it.

I am going to try to have her agree with me being in lockup when things settle down in a while, to show her how much I do love her and how much I want that trust to be built up again. Could chastity aid here, or am I going the wrong way?

And how do I bring this up in the right way?

 

[Giles_English]

Hi,

If I do not understand them, how can I explain them to someone else?

.. any tips on how to proceed are very appreciated.

Focus on "What?" and "What's in it for her?"
"Why?" is a rabbit hole - it's pretty much an orientation.
If you poke around the internet, you find lots of threads where kinksters can date their interests back to very early on indeed. There are some links at the bottom of this article on Growing Up Kinky.

 

[DonnaSue]

Without knowing both of you, I cannot make any recommendations. All I can tell you is that when my wife discovered my fetishes, she was far more upset about my not telling her (for a long time) than she was that I had a "second life". Trust had been broken and it has taken years to restore that trust. And, the only way to do that is through frequent, open and honest communication.

 

[Ubercurious]

Without knowing both of you, I cannot make any recommendations. All I can tell you is that when my wife discovered my fetishes, she was far more upset about my not telling her (for a long time) than she was that I had a "second life". Trust had been broken and it has taken years to restore that trust. And, the only way to do that is through frequent, open and honest communication.

Couldn't agree more. I am glad the secret is out now and we are finally communicating. We will see how things progress, I just need to make sure both our stress levels are down first. Hers through knowledge, mine through at least have some form of kinky outlet.

It is just still very hard for me to be honest about my weird feelings...

 

[sandman9355]

One thing I feel I should mention is how important it might be to explain to her, in case you haven't made that fact crystal clear, is how confused and uncertain you are about your own desires and feelings. I think it will be much easier for her to keep her patience if she knows one of the reasons you have problems telling her the truth is the fact that you don't actually know the whole truth yourself yet.

I'm not saying you should use your uncertainties as an excuse for having kept it all a secret; what I'm trying to say is that asking her to help you understand yourself might help prevent at least some future surprises from putting more strain onto your relationship. Let her know you want to work with her on finding a solution that will make you both happy.

 

[KittensProperty]

I got the impression from your post that your wife is somewhat vanilla and into much in the way of kink. one member suggested getting her involved here. If I am reading the situation right then CM might be too much for her at first. It can get pretty raunchy here at times.

chastityforums.com is milder and more straight forward about male chastity without a lot of heavy kink talk. T
hey also have a kehyolders area that only be seen/read by verified keyholders and the mods. My wife says the women feel more comfortable talking about things to each other knowing that it is kept between them.

She was VERY vanilla when we started, asked a lot of questions and has evolved from being a willing keyholder to my Mistress and is now becoming more dominate with me. Not a true DOM yet but she is liking the idea and role more all the time.

Don't push her. This is all new to her and she needs to absorb it at her own pace. Going forward, be honest with her and be ready to accept her decisions.

 

[Ubercurious]

I got the impression from your post that your wife is somewhat vanilla and into much in the way of kink. one member suggested getting her involved here. If I am reading the situation right then CM might be too much for her at first. It can get pretty raunchy here at times.

chastityforums.com is milder and more straight forward about male chastity without a lot of heavy kink talk. T
hey also have a kehyolders area that only be seen/read by verified keyholders and the mods. My wife says the women feel more comfortable talking about things to each other knowing that it is kept between them.

She was VERY vanilla when we started, asked a lot of questions and has evolved from being a willing keyholder to my Mistress and is now becoming more dominate with me. Not a true DOM yet but she is liking the idea and role more all the time.

Don't push her. This is all new to her and she needs to absorb it at her own pace. Going forward, be honest with her and be ready to accept her decisions.

Thanks you so much for your insights, I will give her all the time she needs. She has already been asking for information, so I think I will, however painful and embarrassing, show her my "gear bag...", once she asks for it and explain whatever she wants to know. Honesty all the way

 

[boisub]

Good luck to you. There are a lot of men here, myself included, who have taken those first, scary steps and lived to tell about it. There are no guarantees, but openness and communication are essential parts of the process. You’ll find a lot of support here, I’m certain.

That said, it would probably be a good idea to hold back on asking to be locked up for a while. Not just until things calm down a bit, but until the two of you have had some exploration time together. Because you’ve hidden your kinks from her, she’s never had the chance to see what really excites you and how much of that might also excite her. As you rebuild trust and intimacy, she may be willing to try some things you’ve never allowed yourself to think she would. One of those things may be chastity. But if you bring it up too soon, or present it as a fix-all, it may feel to her like it’s not only a kink she’s supposed to indulge, but it’s also literally putting something between you and her.

You’ve started down the road towards really great things, and if your wife stays on board with you through this you’ll have a stronger and better relationship. Just listen, take her trust issues very seriously, answer her questions honestly, and learn from her what kinds of things she’s willing to explore. The great thing about chastity is that it can fit into a lot of different types of relationships, and you’ll probably know when the time is right to bring it up as an idea.

 

[Ubercurious]

Good luck to you. There are a lot of men here, myself included, who have taken those first, scary steps and lived to tell about it. There are no guarantees, but openness and communication are essential parts of the process. You’ll find a lot of support here, I’m certain.

That said, it would probably be a good idea to hold back on asking to be locked up for a while. Not just until things calm down a bit, but until the two of you have had some exploration time together. Because you’ve hidden your kinks from her, she’s never had the chance to see what really excites you and how much of that might also excite her. As you rebuild trust and intimacy, she may be willing to try some things you’ve never allowed yourself to think she would. One of those things may be chastity. But if you bring it up too soon, or present it as a fix-all, it may feel to her like it’s not only a kink she’s supposed to indulge, but it’s also literally putting something between you and her.

You’ve started down the road towards really great things, and if your wife stays on board with you through this you’ll have a stronger and better relationship. Just listen, take her trust issues very seriously, answer her questions honestly, and learn from her what kinds of things she’s willing to explore. The great thing about chastity is that it can fit into a lot of different types of relationships, and you’ll probably know when the time is right to bring it up as an idea.

Great advice, thanks so much to all of you. I think the first step is total honesty about what excites me and how it all came to be. Problem is, I am so afraid I am going to overwhelm her, but she did express the fact that she needs to know everything. My stomach is churning at the thought of having her sit next to me and me showing "all" I can't even type it ... it is not just chastity, but a lot of other stuff too that makes me incredibly embarrassed for some reason.

I am glad to read I am not alone, so thanks again all for reading my woes

/hug to you all

 

[RhiannonT]

Hi, and welcome! Good luck

 

[John]

Great advice, thanks so much to all of you. I think the first step is total honesty about what excites me and how it all came to be. Problem is, I am so afraid I am going to overwhelm her, but she did express the fact that she needs to know everything. My stomach is churning at the thought of having her sit next to me and me showing "all" I can't even type it ... it is not just chastity, but a lot of other stuff too that makes me incredibly embarrassed for some reason.

I am glad to read I am not alone, so thanks again all for reading my woes

/hug to you all

How did it going showing her your stuff? Think it helps to be honest without going overboard I mean going into extremes. Think most women enjoy it when there see they gain something too. Maybe women get a little power rush and start to like it when they feel the power. So maybe you are opening up to something completely new by being honest.

 

[Ubercurious]

How did it going showing her your stuff? Think it helps to be honest without going overboard I mean going into extremes. Think most women enjoy it when there see they gain something too. Maybe women get a little power rush and start to like it when they feel the power. So maybe you are opening up to something completely new by being honest.

I do hope so. I did ask her to lock me up this morning actually, and she didn't react weird so I am really curious to see how this is going to develop...

 

[John]

I do hope so. I did ask her to lock me up this morning actually, and she didn't react weird so I am really curious to see how this is going to develop...

It's a good sign just remember not trying to top her from the bottom. Even if she unlock you too early let here progress slowly to adjust. Maybe someday she isn't in the mood and keep you locked see how desperate you become and how pleasing you become to her needs she start to see the advantages.

 

[tomf_22033]

I do hope so. I did ask her to lock me up this morning actually, and she didn't react weird so I am really curious to see how this is going to develop...

Congrats.

I always want to scream when guys tell stories like yours.
We act like women are so fragile. For Pete’s sake, they give birth. They raise kids. Women are tough. Women are strong. But they need to feel safe, secure and protected.

Too many only thinking about their kinks, not even considering that their lady has her own fantasies and desires. Not imagining that maybe they’re wanting to share also.

I always say it’s easier to discuss kinks in a new relationship. Don’t throw them out on the first date but don’t wait too long either. In an established relationship it’s harder, but the approach is the same. Ask her what she fantasizes about. Ask her to share her dirty secrets and desires. Are her feel safe and secure and make her know you care and want her to share.

The problem is most guys don’t do this. It’s all about them. Lock me. Best me. Me me me.

So they hide things and then WHEN the woman finds out it hits the fan. Usually it’s not because of the kinks but because they feel lied to and secrets kept from them.

OP is lucky. I’d suggest he not push his desires too hard. Rather try to earn her trust. This site has many posts on how chastity changes the focus from the guy thinking about himself to worshiping his lady. I suggest OP read as many as he can and get in the mindset of pleasing her not himself. If he does I think he will be fine. If not I fear this won’t go well in the long run.

So good luck OP and please keep us posted.

 

[Ubercurious]

Congrats.

I always want to scream when guys tell stories like yours.
We act like women are so fragile. For Pete’s sake, they give birth. They raise kids. Women are tough. Women are strong. But they need to feel safe, secure and protected.

Too many only thinking about their kinks, not even considering that their lady has her own fantasies and desires. Not imagining that maybe they’re wanting to share also.

I always say it’s easier to discuss kinks in a new relationship. Don’t throw them out on the first date but don’t wait too long either. In an established relationship it’s harder, but the approach is the same. Ask her what she fantasizes about. Ask her to share her dirty secrets and desires. Are her feel safe and secure and make her know you care and want her to share.

The problem is most guys don’t do this. It’s all about them. Lock me. Best me. Me me me.

So they hide things and then WHEN the woman finds out it hits the fan. Usually it’s not because of the kinks but because they feel lied to and secrets kept from them.

OP is lucky. I’d suggest he not push his desires too hard. Rather try to earn her trust. This site has many posts on how chastity changes the focus from the guy thinking about himself to worshiping his lady. I suggest OP read as many as he can and get in the mindset of pleasing her not himself. If he does I think he will be fine. If not I fear this won’t go well in the long run.

So good luck OP and please keep us posted.

Thank you for the insights provided. I know I have a big challenge ahead of me, balancing both my own desires and getting her to know hers and how we can possibly combine them, especially after me hiding them for so long.

I simply do not want to keep any more secrets and am trying to be honest, but not confronting, which will remain a challenge. I am reading all I can and trying my hardest to be patient... but also trying to get to know my wife better in this respect, to learn what she wants and doesn't want.

Here's to hoping...

 

[tomf_22033]

Thank you for the insights provided. I know I have a big challenge ahead of me, balancing both my own desires and getting her to know hers and how we can possibly combine them, especially after me hiding them for so long.

I simply do not want to keep any more secrets and am trying to be honest, but not confronting, which will remain a challenge. I am reading all I can and trying my hardest to be patient... but also trying to get to know my wife better in this respect, to learn what she wants and doesn't want.

Here's to hoping...

That is great. Just come out to her with all of this slowly and carefully. It's one thing to hide things and another to be smart and to share when it's safe and wise.

She seems to be taking it well. So don't blow that. You got a second chance. You probably won't get a 3rd.

So again, put her first. Give her time and let her be comfortable and digest all of this in her own way. Again, make it about her and not you. Show her you love her and will still take care of her and protect her. If you do, you'll see things will go way beyond what you ever imagine.

I say this as someone that has had several amazing relationships. Each ended for different reasons, and all were not because of kink. Currently I"m a month into a new relationship that is amazing and I'm using all I've learned from the previous ones to do things I couldn't imagine even a month ago.

Anyway please keep us updated. And don't be afraid to ask for advice, or for an ear to think things through.

 

[DonnaSue]

It's great to have open and honest communications. Now that she has you locked up, you must just wait for her to take the next step. Don't ask or beg to be released or otherwise to top from the bottom. Talk to her a lot, but be careful to be totally submissive. Best wishes on your progress!

 

[Ubercurious]

It's great to have open and honest communications. Now that she has you locked up, you must just wait for her to take the next step. Don't ask or beg to be released or otherwise to top from the bottom. Talk to her a lot, but be careful to be totally submissive. Best wishes on your progress!

Wow wait, I am not yet! I asked her, but she is a bit scared. Fear is a broader issue for her, but impacting her now as she has a lot more potential unknown things due to my forced "coming out".

The lack of information on her side is something I will be trying to accommodate by explaining stuff to her and showing her, when she wants. I just have to keep in mind that I am ahead of her in terms of kink by about 15 years...

As much as I would like to, lockup will probably take some time. I am fine with this now, as I have come to understand the trouble she is facing with her fears and how they relate to this.

Thanks again all for your wise and valuable input and thoughts.

Hugs to you all

 

[sandman9355]

Again, the reason I'm writing now is that maybe you haven't made one particular thing obvious enough.

If you haven't already, make sure she understands this is something you hope will enrich your sex life and make you more happy, but that it not a deal-breaker. Don't hesitate to repeat the fact again and again.

Chances are, she's afraid she somehow failed you, she's afraid she's a bad lover, afraid she's been making you lose interest in making love to her the way you're used to, afraid she'll hurt you or anger you, afraid of this or that...

Stay patient and make sure she *knows*, even on an emotional level, that this is a possible source of joy for you that you would like to explore, and that you would be happy to help her overcome her fears. Keep telling her, every time you see she needs to hear this, that this will not make you love her less and that she'll be able to unlock you any time she'll want to.