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Struggling with getting him to submit. Advice from keyholders or subs?

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by Princess_alyssa192, Dec 6, 2016.

  1. Any advice for me? Any suggestions for what i can do? We are new to this but he has a lot of fantasies and it seems expectations regarding what I am to do and how I should be acting when being dominant from watching porn and live cams for years and years. It seems this is a common thing from what I've read on here so far for the men to have this idea. How do I get him to actually submit and put my needs before his own? I've punished him but they still don't seem to work and he still hasn't really changed much because I'm not doing it properly or something. Just looking for ideas or suggestions.
    Her Dividend likes this.
  2. I should add he is locked up.
  3. Leave him locked up for longer periods? I don't get really submissive until I've been denied orgasm for a couple of weeks.
  4. I don't know if it'll generate any ideas, but your post reminds me of an old joke:

    Masochist: "Please hit me."
    Sadist: "No!"
    Val, Wendygirl and Princess_alyssa192 like this.
  5. Punishment is different from funishment.

    Sways with a leather paddle or belt can be exciting and fun. There is usually no confusing that with a wooden or plexiglass paddle.

    Unless he is a pain junkie, things will turn around.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.
  6. First of all there is no wrong way to do this.
    It's all a matter of what you find comfortable and what works for you guys.
    You should not expect to live the way porn portrays.
    There is so much more to it.
    Just remember you don't have to give him any pleasure or teasing untill you think he deserves it. If you want him to please you he needs to learn how to earn it.
    If hubby asks me to play with I don't. Becuase it's not his choice when he get attention it's mine.
    Have you guys talked about both of your expectations of chastity and what it means for both of you.
    Communication is key to having a good chastity relation ship.
    Jblocked, NewJewlery, slave_m and 2 others like this.
  7. We have, I mean he has a lot of expectations because of what he's seen in these videos just reading how I talk to him and the punishments I give. I have been finding what I like and don't like, but still it seems there are expectations from him regarding how specifically I do it. I don't think he gets the point that it is what I am comfortable with and what I enjoy not just what he wants me to do. He made a post about how he was being selfish and about how he hasn't been putting my needs first. But yet...still expects me to do everything his way because it's the "right way" or "how femdom works" because he's obviously been into this much longer then me. While I am really enjoying it so far he hasn't really submitted to the level he says he wants if that makes sense?? Your right though, unless I feel he has earned something he shouldn't get any attention that might work....
    slave_m likes this.
  8. First of all, have him quit watching the videos. They are putting fantasies in his head that might not work out so well in reality. The post he is talking about - is he the 18 year old and you are the 19 year old in college?
  9. Also, I forgot the old standby:

    This is how I do things, this is what I expect. I will dress, act, punish, and reward how I feel like doing it. I am in control...or you can have the keys to your device back.

    Reality check
    norðr, Princess_alyssa192 and LadyS like this.
  10. GO ahead and let him have his expectations. All the more to punish him over.
    What he sees in the internet is a very small part of the real chastity life. You can not be expected to play into his every fantasy.
    Otherwise what would be the point.
    He needs to learn respect for you befor he should get any rewards.
    He wants to you lock him up But not give up any control. Unfortunately I don't think he understands where he stands in this.
    You are not a porn start or on online chat girl. You are his real life lover. And you deserve to be treated better.
    Stand your ground.
    If you truly want this then do not let him get away with this kind of behaviour.
    If you want my advise I would punish him for thinking it should be done his way.
    Then make him please you.
    Then leave him. No pleasure no teasing. Him and his memeber don't need to be rewarded. They need to be taught.
  11. I've taken control of that so far but who knows what he does when I'm not home. Took his credit card away so he atleast can't pay for it anymore.
    No. We're a bit older then that lol.
    slave_m likes this.
  12. Ah, okay. It sounded like a similar post that an 18 year old kid posted the other day, lol.
  13. Exactly. I have threatened with, why are we even doing this if you doesn't want to go along with the way I want to do it. It did not take long for him to come back and apologize becuase he realized I was right.
    Val, Steve-0 and Princess_alyssa192 like this.
  14. You can start to take away all his toys .
    Credit cards good start change the pin on the TV and set top boxes.
    Change the password on all the computers in the house . I suspect you can get your mobile phone company to change the settings on his phone to age restrictions because you don't want the kids useing it .

    Go through computer and phone history to find out what turns him on . Or make him tell you . Easy to lead him on to telling you.

    Is it physical punishment that you don't enjoy ? In some ways it is easier than long slow burn not doing this or I am going to ignore you stuff. The screw with his head stuff gets complicated lol .
    Also long periods of not doing anything is just simply boring and can be very counter productive.

    Xx Wendy
  15. Honestly I enjoy all of it I guess his issue is that I don't verbalize as I'm doing it as much as he wants me to. Wants me to watch femdom porn so I know how to talk to him properly. I figured I'd just learn that on my own.
    slave_m likes this.
  16. I am a very alpha male but like to be sexually submissive. Once out of the bedroom I go back to being the alpha dog. It is just my nature. Keep in mind that online porn is BS. Having been in BDSM and other fetishes for over 47 years, I never met anyone who was a 24/7 submissive to the extent of being ordered around every hour of every day.

    I submit. I am not dominated. The sub holds all the power because you cannot dominate a sub without their permission or you are committing a crime. Also, the sub can stop the action by using his password. So don't be fooled into thinking the stuff you read about online is real. The sub holds the power and the dom can only do what the sub allows the dom to do. If a man goes to a pro domme, she will ask him all sorts of question so that she can give him the experience he wants. I have been even asked what kind of whip did I want used on me, etc..

    Your problem is that your man has not submitted to you. He only wants what he jerked off to online and if you veer from that, he is not interested. Also not interested if not happening during sex. My wife has beaten my butt until it was covered in welts and bruises. I think I posted pictures. She denies me orgasms for 4 months and takes on more time but still she had not gotten me to submit outside of the sex arena. I am not submissive, I only like to take on that role during sex and a lot of men are like that, even some who post otherwise. Lots of men live their fetish lives online. They write about the things they wish were done to them that their wives or girlfriend will not do. This is very common. I ran a sex related internet site for a few years and most of the women are men for gosh sake. There was a core of real fetish players but the majority of others were just living their sex lives online.

    Talk to him. Nothing will work better than to hand him the keys back and tell him that if he refuses to submit to him under your terms, you do not want to play his games anymore. That is the most effective way to handle a male. Threaten to take away what he wants you to do. If I demand an orgasm from my wife when she does not want to give me one, she will hand me the keys and tell me to lock up when I am finished, as she leaves the room. Guess what, I never unlocked myself to make me cum. Hope this helps. I have "trained" a few women to be Mistresses since most girls are not born with leather boots and a whip. My wife found it difficult to dominate me in bed and then be the submissive one outside of bed. Plus she did not want to see be me submissive because she married me as an ex Jock and combat vet who was once a gang member with the scars to prove it. I was tough like her dad and she liked that. So she brought in her girlfriend to dominate me, which she did for over 30 years. That worked out much better because her girlfriend had no problem sexually torturing me at all. However, I found her worthy to submit to. I do not submit to any woman who wants to dominate me.

    Good luck and try what I suggested. It usually works and if he does take the keys back then you have your answer, The great majority of men love the fantasy of being dominated but after a few weeks of the reality, they do not want to play by anyone's rules but theirs. If that is the case, chalk it up to a fetish tried and find another. We tried just about every fetish out there. Some we kept and others we just tried and tired of or just were not as good in reality as they were in our minds. That is the way it goes. You cannot dominate a man who refuses to submit to you under your terms.
    jrscott and Princess_alyssa192 like this.
  17. I can't imagine it would be easy jumping into that role. Verbal stuff is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and he should let you get your feet wet at your pace. You know where the Internet is, if you want ideas on what he wants to hear you can do some checking, when, how, or if you do it is totally up to you.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.
  18. I agree with Vinny! It sounds like your hubby has not really submitted to date. He is still "topping from the bottom" - tellin gyou how he likes to be dominated. I agree with giving him an ultimatum - either totally submit to whatever please you or take back the keys and this D/s thing is over! Faced with that, I would bet on him finally submitting to your will. That would serve as very open and blunt communication which cannot be misread!

    We had a similar dynamic in our relationship when we first began - until I finally had to give in and let Her do Her ting and have Her way - whatever that was to be. Naturally, I could not have so submitted if I had not trusted Her unconditionally that She would not hurt me or permit me to be hurt, emotionally or physically! Trust must come first and then communication and then submission.
  19. Thank you everyone for your advice and ideas I appreciate it!
  20. @Mistress_M@Mistress_M and I have been at this for 18 months and I certainly had an idea of how I thought things should go when we started. I was also watching a lot of porn plus maturbation. The idea of chastity intrigued my mistress so lucky for me we were able to stick with it. Truth is I don't really feel like I've really submitted to her until this last month. I was to busy wanting instead of enjoying what was right in front of me. She was patient with me and finally after not really giving into any of my fantasies I finally submitted solely to what she wanted. She does not have the kinky mind that I do (yet?) but I've learned to love and enjoy what she does give me and I love doing whatever she wants. The thing is, is he needs to realize that this isn't about you fulfilling his fantasies, it's about him fulfilling yours. Or at the very least you both finding what you'd like to try together. If you really feel like he won't truly submit then tell him you're not interested because he's not holding up his end of the deal. When he truly submits it will be very rewarding to you both.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.
  21. Verbalization is a funny thing. I never once watched any sort of femdom porn prior to our starting to play with chastity. I was into the porn of very much the opposite nature. And although I was never a very frequent porn watcher, and never found it necessary to pay for it, when I did watch I hated hearing talking. Fast forward to the role reversal we've undergone since getting into chastity and I have found that her speaking can easily have a more powerful impact on me than anything else. A touch of degrading talk can send me over the edge if Im having trouble getting there, or just heighten the experience in general. She goes through ups and downs in terms of how dominant she behaves, in the beginning a lot of punishment etc, and more recently very little, but she has in general taken very well to being in charge of our sex life. When, and what form our sex takes is totally up to her. But the one thing she has always struggled with (like you, it sounds like) is being verbal. But I NEVER say anything, especially in the moment about it. It would just put pressure on her and make anything she did say seem forced anyway. My point is, if he is really interested in making this work with you, he will accept that it will only work for him if it's working for you, and accept that reality doesn't have to tick off all of his fantasy boxes at once to be enjoyable. It takes a special kind of selfish to request you be dominant and then try to dictate how you chose to try to fulfill that request. You trying at all has to be enough, I would think.
  22. Joroincharge

    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Mar 10, 2009
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    He is topping from the bottom. No way does that work. It has to be all about what YOU want, and you having him by the balls to ensure you get it.

    And he does as he is told.
    slave_m and Princess_alyssa192 like this.
  23. This is such a common problem I'm on the verge of writing a book about it!

    Subs get confused between the fantasies and scenes that emulate D/s and the real thing. It's a bit like the 1970s when men wanted to please their one-night stand, but thought a good hard shagging was the only way to achieve it.

    I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. Point out that you authentically like being in charge, that the BDSM actually turns you on, that this is the Real Thing.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.
  24. A few good tips are:
    1) Is he really submissive? A non-submissive may have issues with the reality of this scene.
    2) Good communication in both directions is critical.
    3) If he is not submitting, you may need (consential) adversive stimuli to make him submit, such as not letting him cum until you are happy with his submission.
    4) If he is pleasuring you well, make sure you tell him and reward him.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.
  25. Doesn't sound like you have a true sub at this time. Just a guy who wants some role play and fantasy. Like all before me have tried to describe, chastity is a choice which must be developed and move at a pace which is comfortable to all. I have certainly discovered that. I have introduced some of my desires and fantasy slowly to my KH, but ultimately she decides how things go down. I may occasionally suggest something, but if isn't what she wants , it doesn't happen. No questions asked. However, if he is not willing to submit to you on these most basic issues, you have some serious work to do, or you give him the keys back "ultimatum" as previously mentioned. You could really make it difficult for him first though, to see what he's made off, have some fun, and probably get a much better picture of what it is he really wants.
    Princess_alyssa192 likes this.