A friend asked me what rules we currently work to and it turned out a LONG answer so I thought some of you might be interested too.
Just to give some context. We're a long term kinky married couple, in our 30's, discovered caging last year, BUT I'm traditionally the submissive one, although we're both very open and switchy. We've been fans of denial forever, but it's mainly been me denied (I've done six months orgasm denial before now).
The main stress of all this has been me having to take the lead and make decisions so our current rules are designed to minimise that and have him still taking the initiative a lot of the time. I don't give a crap about him 'topping from the bottom', in fact I like it. What's most important is the intimacy and fun we have from it.
He is NOT caged all the time, we're exploring both caged and uncaged denial but you'll see the rules have subtle ways for him to get caged if I haven't already locked him up.
This isn't how we do things all the time, sometimes we take a week or two break, sometimes we do some really intense periods. I really like variety or we both get bored. For example we did a six week lock up as a challenge up to Valentine's (and our friends did it at the same time too so it was like a competition, so much fun) and rules were much stricter then. We had a 'Denial Advent' game where we did crazy things most days up to Christmas, etc. You can see more on my blog.
But right now the rules are designed to make this as stress free and easy for me as possible:
So regarding rule 2. It took a bit of time for me to get used to but omg it's amazing when you do. The big trick is just do it, say 'make me cum' even if you're not in the mood, and as soon as his mouth is on you or he's vibing you you get into it, it's amazing. After about five days I wanted it most times anyway. He'll ask me first thing when we wake, at lunchtime if he's working at home or the weekend, and either in the evening or in bed.
You may think your sex drive isn't that high but I've honestly got used to cumming once or twice a day and my libido is so much higher now. But, obviously if you don't want it you just say 'no thanks darling' or come up with something else you want. Sometimes I just ask for a cup of tea! lol
We also use a whole lots of little text emoticons to send cute texts with (not so) secret meanings. Make up your own, it's a lot of fun!
The other clever thing that can happen with it is it gives him a subtle way to get locked up without having to ask directly - this is on purpose! Yes it's 'topping from the bottom' but it works for us. So now if hubby doesn't ask me if I want anything before I get up, I know he's in the mood to be locked up. And I'll simply say 'you forget to ask...' put your cage on. If I don't want to cage him then I'll say 'You forgot to ask but I don't want you caged yet' (so it's acknowledged I noticed).
So hopefully you can see how the rules mean HE is having to take the initiative a lot of the time, and the coin game is a great fall back for when I don't want to decide anything. This is still all a massive work in progress but it's working well for us at the moment. I hope it's useful!
Jane
PS If you're another woman wanting to quiz me about how it works feel free to get in touch, I love to help.
Just to give some context. We're a long term kinky married couple, in our 30's, discovered caging last year, BUT I'm traditionally the submissive one, although we're both very open and switchy. We've been fans of denial forever, but it's mainly been me denied (I've done six months orgasm denial before now).
The main stress of all this has been me having to take the lead and make decisions so our current rules are designed to minimise that and have him still taking the initiative a lot of the time. I don't give a crap about him 'topping from the bottom', in fact I like it. What's most important is the intimacy and fun we have from it.
He is NOT caged all the time, we're exploring both caged and uncaged denial but you'll see the rules have subtle ways for him to get caged if I haven't already locked him up.
This isn't how we do things all the time, sometimes we take a week or two break, sometimes we do some really intense periods. I really like variety or we both get bored. For example we did a six week lock up as a challenge up to Valentine's (and our friends did it at the same time too so it was like a competition, so much fun) and rules were much stricter then. We had a 'Denial Advent' game where we did crazy things most days up to Christmas, etc. You can see more on my blog.
But right now the rules are designed to make this as stress free and easy for me as possible:
- He is not allowed to masturbate without my permission, whether caged or not
- He has to ask me at least twice a day (or three times if he's working at home) 'Is there anything I can do for you?'
Now I might ask him to do a chore or anything... but the main idea is it gives me a prompt to say 'Make me cum' or more specifically something like 'I want your mouth' or 'Get the vibe' to instruct him to give me some orgasms. If he fails to ask the quota of times in a day, he IS NOT going to get unlocked that evening or he'll be locked up if he isn't already. - Every day we both have to post something to our shared secret Tumblr account, romantic, sexy or both. It's also where kinks that intrigue us can be posted without judgement and we will look it over once a week to review any of those (we tag them #curious) and talk them through. But if I'm not interested or he isn't, we just say 'not for now' and it can't be flagged up for at least two months. (We've always had a 'try anything twice' rule so 'nope never going to do that' isn't an option).
- I edge him most days, either a quick play in the morning (if he's out for a shower) or a longer one at night, or both but this is entirely at my discretion and he can ask for it once but not complain if I don't.
- If I'm edging him and he goes over without permission it will be ruined, he'll lose his coin tosses (see below) and he has to eat it (experimenting with that right now, still not sure).
- If he is caged, and I unlock him to play, he will ALWAYS go back in the cage at the end unless he earned a full orgasm (this is the time I find it hardest to decide to put him back in so the rule does that for me).
- We use the Coin Game I've adapted as our default way of rewarding him - basically he earns coin tosses for every time I cum and gets rewards for a certain number of heads. The idea of this is again, it reduces my need to make decisions, unless I want to!
- We have a weekly date night that he is responsible for organising. All coin tosses that night count as a 'head'. We alternate weeks of who is responsible for the date night sex plans (we tend to use it to be most experimental). At the moment those rules means he's almost guaranteed a weekly orgasm but I'm just switching that to once a fortnight I think.
- He can use a safeword to stop whatever we're doing at any time, or another one to signal he wants to stop the denial for a bit (that allows him to complain about it but if he doesn't use the safeword I know he's just enjoying being tormented - this is important). I can just say 'I'm not in the mood for denial honey' and he isn't allowed to ask about it for a minimum of three days.
- If he wants me he can take me at any time (because I LOVE that) BUT it's a week lock up without release if he does.
So regarding rule 2. It took a bit of time for me to get used to but omg it's amazing when you do. The big trick is just do it, say 'make me cum' even if you're not in the mood, and as soon as his mouth is on you or he's vibing you you get into it, it's amazing. After about five days I wanted it most times anyway. He'll ask me first thing when we wake, at lunchtime if he's working at home or the weekend, and either in the evening or in bed.
You may think your sex drive isn't that high but I've honestly got used to cumming once or twice a day and my libido is so much higher now. But, obviously if you don't want it you just say 'no thanks darling' or come up with something else you want. Sometimes I just ask for a cup of tea! lol
We also use a whole lots of little text emoticons to send cute texts with (not so) secret meanings. Make up your own, it's a lot of fun!
The other clever thing that can happen with it is it gives him a subtle way to get locked up without having to ask directly - this is on purpose! Yes it's 'topping from the bottom' but it works for us. So now if hubby doesn't ask me if I want anything before I get up, I know he's in the mood to be locked up. And I'll simply say 'you forget to ask...' put your cage on. If I don't want to cage him then I'll say 'You forgot to ask but I don't want you caged yet' (so it's acknowledged I noticed).
So hopefully you can see how the rules mean HE is having to take the initiative a lot of the time, and the coin game is a great fall back for when I don't want to decide anything. This is still all a massive work in progress but it's working well for us at the moment. I hope it's useful!
Jane
PS If you're another woman wanting to quiz me about how it works feel free to get in touch, I love to help.
. i think that some men do it and then laugh cos they thinks its funny.
