Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Thank you for saying something so lovely. I was actually feeling a bit down after our session with Laura because I don't think I'll ever have her confidence or her presence and I could see the way My Pete responded to her. So seeing your message was especially nice. Thank you. Sal

 

Thank you - and thanks for the explanation too. I feel I've got a lot to process since last week. Sal

 

Thanks for saying that. I'm not feeling very confident at the moment. That's mostly nothing to do with My Pete and our project but mostly to do with dysfunctional family stuff that com out at this time of the year. Being with his Mum is fine (although we're sad about his Dad) but my lot drive me a bit mad and make me feel like I'm a schoolgirl again. I'm pretty glad to be back home again. My Pete is back at his Mum's so I have space to think.
Sal

 

Excuse the length of the following. More therpy for me, I'm afraid!
In between all the family visits, I had a good debrief with My Pete the other night and spoke to Laura this afternoon.

My Pete brought up the subject just before we went out for Christmas Eve. Our session with Laura was very much on my mind because I'd just compaosed and posted my previosu long message here. He asked me how I thought it had gone with Laura. What I actually felt was a bit confused. On one level, I'd enjoyed it a lot and had fun, and could see that My Pete had enjoyed himself as well. But the whole thing also made me feel a bit underconfident, and actually a little envious of Laura. I could see how he responded to her, and he admitted fantasising about her, and I don't think I'll ever have her confidence or presence. It reminded me of the girls at school who could act the lead in school plays - some of them went on to stage careers. I could act a bit but I never had that level of confidence and talent. I was always an 'extra'. But I didn't tell My Pete any of that.

What I did say to him was that it had been an enjoyable but difficult week with all the family Christmas goings-on. Being with My Pete's Mum was lovely (although sad because his Dad wasn't there) but with my family I felt I regressed into the role of being the little girl that everyone bosses around. He said that I hadn't seemed at all underconfident when Laura was here, nor a few days later when I finally allowed him out and made him wear my underwear again. It was good to hear him say that. He asked me if there had been any special moments for me. I said there were a few.

One was when Laura lifted it with her pencil. I said that I knew he was totally aroused but that he hadn't been hard. I asked whether that had been because he was nervous? He said that he couldn't tell why that had happened - maybe because he was nervous, but also because there was something in Laura's manner which was very sexy one moment, but the next minute it was like being at a school medical exam, which made him immediately soft. I said I'd like to learn to control his erections that way. He said it might not work because he fancies me too much. Awwww...

I told him that a nice moment for me was when he was wearing my knickers the first time and I could see they got slightly wet with his excitement. I also liked it when Laura noticed and pointed it out. And I said that it was especially exciting when we had 'proper sex' a couple of days later and he came immediately. There's something about him not being able to control himself with me, which I find empowering and I admit, extremely flattering. But I said, "I think I might need to train you to wait until I tell you that you can come though". I could see he was very excited by that thought.

And I told him that when I'd given Laura a hug when she was leaving, I felt very conscious of her perfume and found myself aroused. This was true but I hadn't intended to tell him this - in fact I'd hardly admitted it to myself. What a bloody cliche! I honestly don't know if it was her, or the scent she was wearing, or the feeling of pent up sexual energy after what we'd all just been doing, but there it was. My Pete was obviously extremely interested in this and he mentioned the moment she'd put her hand on my knee. But I said I didn't think there was any more to tell.

I asked him what had been special, or especially squirmy, for him. "Trousers round the ankles, being inspected and measured after being shaved and [long pause]... wearing your knickers". I asked him why and he said that he had thought he'd hate it because of the feminisation thing but had actually found it very exciting because it was so much about ceding complete control, and he could see that I liked his vulnerability and a bit of humiliation. And he mentioned about the intimacy of wearing each others' clothes - he said he finds it a total turn-on when I go about the place just in my underwear and one of his big shirts. (I enjoy that too). I said that in future, when he's really, really bad, I might pop him into my knickers. I joked about maybe getting some nice pink or red ones with lots of lace. We laughed about it.

He said that having 'proper sex' last Tuesday had been difficult for him beause he felt completely out of control. I wish that I had sensed he was going to come immediately and had had the presence of mind to 'command him to come' at that moment. But I repeated to him that actually I'd loved it that he couldn't control himself, and that we'd had a lovely slow session later that day. I also said again that I wanted the total responsibility for when he comes, or doesn't come. I said that sometimes I'd get it wrong, but I wanted it to be absolutely up to me and that if he was hard or soft, or came quickly or slowly - none of it was his decision or his responsibility. He asked me if I was sure and I said (truthfully) that I absolutely was. He made it clear that he'd love that, as long as I was happy with it. (Yessss!!!!!!!) To be fair, this is something we've discussed before but I've noticed it needs reiterating often and he needs a lot of reassurance.

He asked me how I was feeling generally about our project. I said that if he was enjoying it, then this was great for me, although I still feel I have a lot to learn. I said I was a bit envious of Laura's confidence (to which he said, 'I expect you'll develop', and he grinned). I said I love the feeling of control and I really enjoy his excitement and gratitude for having me control his sexuality in this way. I said it made me feel powerful and I loved being able to decide when to give him intense pleasure. He asked me whether I was getting enough 'intense pleasure'? I said that I was incredibly grateful for his willingness to explore oral sex with me and to try so many different things and to develop the muscles in his tongue and lips. I said that perhaps this meant he could now take up a brass instrument - a handy side-line to chastity and to his day-job? Much mirth.

I asked My Pete how our project was for him. He said "generally wonderful". (Phew!!!!) I of course asked, "Only generally?" He said that after he's been locked for a week, or a week and a half, he gets very desperate. (I know this - I love the way he looks at me differently when he's 'on heat' as I call it) He said that when he's like that, he finds he needs much more frequent teasing or little naughty comments from me, otherwise he gets a bit despondent. This is one of the many, many things about our whole project that I hadn't understood at the outset. Chastity isn't about being less sexual - it's really about being more sexual, with the woman in much more control. It's quite a responsibility, making sure that he and I are both sexually excited and fulfilled (only up to a point in his case, evil grin) and it means I have to remember to tease him and titillate him much more often than I used to. I don't begrudge it, in fact I like it, but the level of attention necessary, is a bit of a surprise. I said I thought I'd managed to be pretty good about not ignoring his predicamant but that I'd definitely try harder.

He asked if there was anything else from me. I said I still miss being filled quite as often as before, but that this was just a detail. He said he was happy to use the cream, or keep trying with Dora, either manually or by wearing it (her? him?) in a harness.

And that reminded me. I found myself saying that I'd been reading about pegging and that I wanted to do that with him, slowly and properly, when the moment is right. He just said, "I trust you not to hurt me". Given what happened to him at school, I know he's sensitive and still a bit worried. I reassured him. I've been doing lots of research.

And then I said that another thing I miss a bit is just being taken. So I unlocked himthere and then, we had a long kiss and I just said, "Any time before 1am. Your choice". Then we went out for Christmas Eve with friends. For some reson he was awfully eager to get home! Grin. I liked that I still had control by giving him permission and a deadline, but was allowing him to take the decision on timing. The anticipation felt delicious, although I wish he could have lasted a little longer. It was so late that we fell asleep before giving it another go. This is something I've definitely changed about him - with mixed feelings; proper sex is rarer, he comes less frequently and is somuch more desperate.

So that was the debrief with My Pete.

I spoke to Laura this afternoon. A much shorter conversation.

When I said I was envious of her confidence, she said that it was something that I would learn. She reminded me that she'd had a lot of training and practice and said that if she tried to learn my work (video editing), she thought that although she might never be totally confident, she could probably get decent at it if she practiced enough. Probably true.

I said I thought that My Pete fancied her. She said, "Men are such simple creatures" and went on to say that it was just a phase and that he'd probably already lost interest, otherwise he probably wouldn't have admitted it. She added thought, that I've wound him up so much that he'd probably fancy anyone in his condition and that it's just as well he's locked up. She pointed out that if he goes away on any work trips, I needed to keep him locked for the trip, or make him come multiple times before he goes (or preferably both) as even the most faithful partner will stray if they're totlly high on hormones. That gave me quite a bit to think about.

I asked her how she managed to control him so that even though he was obviously aroused, he stayed soft? She complimented me on noticing (how couldn't I??) and said that if you have the right thing in your head, you'd be surpsrised about what follows. At that moment, she said she had imagined herself as a doctor seeing a patient who had come in with an STD! (And he'd said it was like a school medical!) She went on to say that this is a general technique used a lot by actors and it was why she often told me to imagine that the contents of the cage were as much mine as his. She reminded me that I had taken the dildo in my mouth when he had worn it in a harness and how powerful that experience had been for both of us. (She said I must make sure that I ask him to do that whenever I get round to pegging him.) She said the power of the mind is very strong. Just act as if it's mine, properly mine and I might find that I change my behaviour.

Since the subject had come up, I asked her about pegging and she said she thought we were both very ready for it. She said she'd send me a couple of links to look at and reminded me that he may find it very emotional, that I should 'start small but use the whole length of it', and slowly, that I should revel in the feeling of power and that I should encourage him not to be the strong silent type but to tell mehow it feels.

This morning, we lay together in bed and I took the cage off him and stroked him while totally concentrating on believing that I was stroking a part of me. Mostly it just felt the same as usual, but there were moments when it really did feel different. Afterwards, unprompted, he said that my touch had felt different from usual - 'more exploratory'. I plan to try being in this mental state more often - for example when I wash it or shave him. I know it sounds a bit New Age crystals and patchouli oil...

He's out this evening, all tucked up in his cage.

Sal

PS Here's a link that Laura sent. It's made me much more interested in doing this.

 

I think that was one of the high spots of the last year! Sal

 

I think that if My Pete had suggested me pegging him when we started this project, I'd have said "Eww, yuck" and run a mile. What's made it possible for me to contemplate it (he's pegged me; me pegging him is a whole other ball game (pun intended) which we will try soon) is that I've been able to set the pace and (often with help from lovely folks here), come up with the ideas. I don't feel it's something that's being done to me. It makes me think of cats - you can't go and cosy up to them and pet them the way you can with a dog, you have to just make yourself available and then they come to you, eventually. Sal

 

Oh dear. Help. I inadvertently hurt My Pete this evening and we're both upset. We've been like ships that pass in the night at the moment, both seeing our families a lot more than we want to. We had a couple of hours together earlier this evening - we unwound and snuggled together and joked about each others' families. Then we kissed and I put my hand on his cage and we chatted some more, which felt lovely and close.

He said that he'd felt a bit down since Christmas Eve because he'd come so quickly and we hadn't had a chance for our follow up. I resassured him het again that him coming quickly or slowly was my responsibility, not his, and that I'd felt flattered rather than frustrated. I didn't say so, but I have actually been feeling very frustrated as I did indeed miss out, didn't get the usual follow up, and haven't had the opportunity, or perhaps the inclination to take matters ino my own hands since then. He begged me to have sex together this evening. Usually, I rather like him begging but with all my stupid family stuff going on, where they treat me like a child, even though I wanted sex myself, I wanted to be the one in the lead. But instead of telling him what was going on in my head, I just said I didn't think he was quite desperate enough and I signalled what I wanted by putting the palm of my hand for a moment on his head. He looked very disappointed but immediately took the cue. It felt delicious and I was just thinking that when he'd finished I would unlock him and return the compliment, but then, just as I was oh-so-nearly there, he stopped and just looked at me, and said, "Frustrating, isn't it?".

Just for a moment I felt myself mixed up between the role of being faux-annoyed, and being actually annoyed. I just said, "The difference between us is, I can do something about it". I told him to sit in the chair and not to dare moving. I got Dora (our name for the rather large dildo that he bought) from the bedside table ("Doubt I'll need lube - I seem to be wet enough already") and gave him a complete show. I had started off a bit irritated, so it took a while. I made a point of looking straight at him. Pretty soon, all my irritation had gone and I just enjoyed myself. But instead of just being all dreamy once I'd come, I said, "I think I'll go for another." And then, (I cringe but it's a line I'd fantasised about, and never ever in a million years intended to say), "Dependable, fulfilling Dora. Full.. filling Dora". As soon as the words were out of my mouth I realised my mistake. He looked demolished. I apologised. I tried to explain that I'd felt stressed. I tried to tell him that I wasn't making a comparison with him but was just in a bit of a mood. I suggested unlocking him to put things right but the magic had gone. I could see he was genuinely upset. In just a few words I'd managed to undermine him with a dig about two of the things he's most sensitive about - coming too quickly after he's been locked, and his size.

We got dressed, had a bite to eat - friendly enough - but then he went out and I know he was still upset. I wish I could unsay those words. How do I row back? He'll be back in about half an hour. I tried ringing Laura but of course she's out somewhere. Ugh.

Sal