Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

longtallsally

longtallsally

Long term member
Apr 26, 2022
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Hello folks,

I joined this site, nervously, just a few days ago and have had my prejudices delightfully dismantled. Nobody’s lectured me, or indulged in ‘mansplaining’ or been rude or overbearing. I’ve had such lovely, positive gentle advice. So, with another deep breath I thought I’d keep a little diary of my journey with my partner. I can’t bring myself to call him ‘Pet’, so I’m going to call him ‘my Pete’, which isn’t his real name. He’s in a responsible job, and people can be very judgemental.

Here goes.

My initial post is here

To recap. We’re in our mid-forties. I work in TV, Pete is an engineer. We got a rather ill-fitting cage as a sex-toy in winter last year and then a couple of months later bought him a Cherry Keeper. We have enjoyed switching in the past, but since starting to play with the cage, I’ve generally been a bit more dominant (but not a domme!) more of the time. Until recently, the maximum time he’d ever spent in the cage in one go was for just an hour or two of enjoyable tease and denial. I’d always unlocked him on request, such as to pee. I know this is about as vanilla as you can get on this site!

Recently, we decided he’d wear the cage out and we went to a restaurant and had a lovely flirty time. When he needed to go to the loo he asked me for the key (around my neck) and without having planned it, I surprised myself and him, by saying no. I thought I’d find it just an intriguing power-kick but to my surprise it was massively arousing for me. He seemed to be rather subdued and said he needed to process.

We went back to playing as usual with our normal 'vanilla' life.

About 10 days ago, we went out with friends for beers. I didn’t exactly persuade him or ask him, but I did quietly suggest the cage. I think I said I'd find it fun. He agreed. More trips to the loo, and key withheld again. On the way home he mentioned he’d found it embarrassing and exciting (bingo!) but we didn’t discuss it more than that. It made me feel excited again. Back at home, with my heart going pitter patter, I suggested not taking the cage off there and then but leaving it until the morning, which we did. We just cuddled, which was nice, and had a lovely time the next morning when I took the cage off. He was very sensitive though and had to take things rather slowly, which I have to say was already a bonus for me, as I much prefer that.

Those experiences made me realise that I have an awful lot to learn about chastity, about what would be nice for us both, and about myself and what I’d honestly enjoy. And of course, what he’d enjoy if he knew I was enjoying it… I think I want to progress this side of our relationship but I’m very unsure how and when and I have a much clearer idea about what I don't want than what I do want.

‘Pete’ is away for a week with his parents, so I’ve done two things. First, I joined this site. I’m not ready to talk everything through with him because I don’t want to kill what might be possible by being hopelessly lacking in knowledge and confidence. I have a friend who used to be a domme and we’ve skirted round the subject a bit but I really wanted to talk to some men! And second, I sent him a postcard (remember those?) that had lots of trigger words (cage, locked, keeper etc) in it, but in a completely innocuous context. But I know he’ll see them and he’ll be thinking about them.

I’ve been so happy to have already received advice and prompts here from so many willing tutors. What a wonderful forum, Thank you!! I’m posting this now and am just composing a second message about what I think I’ve learned so far.

Sal.
 
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As you’re starting to learn, it’s all about what works for both of you. If one of you is not having fun then it’s over. However, with patience you’ll find the sweet spot that works for you as a couple. Explore, communicate, and you’ll learn more about yourselves then you thought possible ;)
 
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And here are the things I think I’ve learned in my first few days here.


People on this forum are really kind and so far I’ve never once felt judged – only encouraged. I’m especially grateful, in no particular order, to @Chaz69, @Nicoftime, @anasyrma, @LesterBallard, @maid julie, @BarbCD for their gentle insights and questions that have prompted me to begin to think this through.

I have been reassured that there’s no one right way but a whole spectrum of lifestyles and things that people get up to. I mustn’t get hung up about what other people do.

In that spirit, I’m not making any comment or judgement or criticism here about what other people do or don’t do. We are all different, which is great!

So here’s the direction I think we’re going. I realise there are inconsistencies here, but please forgive - I’m feeling my way!

I don’t want to be cruel. I don’t want him to be servile, or my servant. I don’t want him to be anything other intellectually than my equal. I don’t want him feminised and the ‘sissification’ route isn’t for us. I don’t want to ‘alter his personality for the better’. I like his personality -it’s one of the things that attracts me to him in the first place! I want him to be masculine and I want to enhance his sexuality, not undermine it. I don’t want to stop him being aroused. In fact, I want him to be desperate.

I think I find it very exciting to have control and power over very intimate aspects of his life. That whole pee thing wasn’t about pee, but about control over something usually so private. I’ve discovered that sitting down to pee isn’t a big deal for most men, but with the right sort of situation it could be embarrassing and a reminder of my control. I also found it exciting to delay having sex for a night. I know he found these things exciting too.

I don’t want to cruelly humiliate him, but I love the thought of embarrassing him and making his stomach squirm, or making him blush, or lose his normal control.

At the moment, I’m more keen on tease, denial and embarrassment than powerful control, but I sense that the control dimension may expand. I’ve been surprised at my physical reaction to that.

It’s good to have a plan, so I can appear confident, which I think is part of the whole scenario. But, the plan needn’t stretch very far. I, and once we can talk about it more easily, we, can adapt as we go.

When he’s unlocked he doesn’t have to have an orgasm. Not always having an orgasm as an end goal could be a good thing for him, and possibly for us both, to understand. On the other hand I’ve been thinking I could play with this. While locked, he has to keep me close to coming but not actually let me, for say, an hour. If I come, he’s locked for another 12 hours. And if he doesn’t keep me close enough to the edge for most of the time, then yup, he’s locked for another 12 hours.

I need to put much more thought into how to tease and tempt him (within the above constraints) while he’s locked up. I’ll be sure to dress carefully etc. Someone had the lovely idea of suggesting that he could do anything to me he likes, the next time he’s locked. I like that because it gives him creativity and decisions to make and what he decides to do will tell me masses, without me having to actually ask him.

I’d like to find things he’d actually love to do, but would never in a million years volunteer to do!

I need to think more about embarrassing scenarios, which play to his particular weaknesses. He’s always been a little sensitive about anything inserted anally. We’ve experimented but he’s always little uncomfortable – I think mainly embarrassed. So, I plan sometime when we’re in a pub or restaurant and he’s going to the loo, to discreetly give him a little bag, doing my best to imply that the key is in there, saying that there’s a nice surprise that I’d really enjoy. There’ll be no key, but I plan instead to put in a really small butt-plug with a little tube of lube. No instruction voiced. I think that would be a real watershed moment. (Grateful for feedback on that one, before I try it!)

I understand that mentioning the key, or letting him see it, or weaving trigger words innocuously into our conversation when we’re out (‘key’, ‘lock’, ‘cage’, ‘deny’, ‘tease’ are obvious and can be used in all sorts of different contexts, but I think I can also subvert words like ‘charity’, ‘keyring’ ‘goalkeeper’ and ‘organism’. Tee hee.

And perhaps the two most important things of all that I’ve learned and for which I am supremely grateful:

I need to change my mindset, so that I lead with more of what I find exciting, knowing that if I do, he probably will as well. That’s really difficult for me. I’ll see how it goes

Don’t forget or ignore him when he’s locked up. That’ll just make him miserable. He’ll need lots of little reminders.

Finally, it needs to be fun for both of us.

Thanks for listening. As always, grateful for any thoughts.

Sal
 
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longtallsally said:
Sorry, I'm a bit hopeless with using the site still. I can't work out how to delete a post? And am I right in just replying to my own thread? Argh... technology.
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Made me laugh, so thank you. You can't delete. Only Lucy or the Mods can. Though you can edit for 15 minutes
 
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Jah Rubbings said:
You're doing great. Not many wives get this read up so quickly. He is a lucky man. As am I but it's a slower process.
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Thank you, that's kind. I've rather thrown myself into this. I work shifts and have a few days off and 'my Pete' is away with his parents for a week so I seem to have time on my hands. The forum is such an eye opener -I've never been anywhere before where I've felt I could ask men such intimate, private things.
 
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Ok, another deep breath. I've just been thinking about what I meant when I said "I think I find it very exciting to have control and power over very intimate aspects of his life". I've realised that I actually do mean his sexual responses. There, I said it. Now I have to work out just what that means in practice. Sal
 
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I think it takes a strong man to be a submissive. Feminisation and sissification are not necessary. It is great that you want him to be masculine and if he enjoys a bit of kink then that is his sexuality.

With regard to the small butt plug and tube of lube, great idea but if it is too small and he puts on too much lube, it is quite likely that it will pop out into his pants and that is not sexy just uncomfortable. If you can get one on a sort of G string then that should stay in place. :)

You sound to be making great progress in having a fun time.
 
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MSDB321 said:
I think it takes a strong man to be a submissive. Feminisation and sissification are not necessary. It is great that you want him to be masculine and if he enjoys a bit of kink then that is his sexuality.

With regard to the small butt plug and tube of lube, great idea but if it is too small and he puts on too much lube, it is quite likely that it will pop out into his pants and that is not sexy just uncomfortable. If you can get one on a sort of G string then that should stay in place. :)

You sound to be making great progress in having a fun time.
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Thank you, and gosh I'm glad for that advice! I never thought I'd be having a conversation with a strabger about butt plug design and size!! I had thought smaller would be easier! :-)
 
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Sounds great and I like the plug idea but make sure it is one that will stay in lol
 
As for the anal thing, to many guys, the thought of liking having something shoved up their butts is abhorrent because, if they like it, it must mean they're gay, right? Well, the truth of the matter is, many straight guys have got past the social stigma and found that they really enjoy it. If you think about it, a gay man and a straight man have the same bodies with the same plumbing, so there's nothing about being gay that makes anal stuff pleasurable. So, if the two of you feel up for it, try buying a dildo and then offer to do him up the ass with it. What you both might not know is, there's a prostate up there that is basically the male G-spot. My wife did this to me for the first time ever just a few days ago and it was AMAZING !!!
 
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longtallsally said:
Thank you, and gosh I'm glad for that advice! I never thought I'd be having a conversation with a strabger about butt plug design and size!! I had thought smaller would be easier! :)
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One suggestion here - and it could really be fun too - is to look into getting one of the "Lovense" toys. They recently added a 1" butt plug which should be easy enough for him to do.

The fun part is, it's able to be controlled remotely by your phone, so that could be a ton of fun for you once he gets back to the table (and add a bit to the 'minor embarrassment' factor)!
 
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One other thing. You are racing through all of this stuff. New information. Too much information. Which is exciting. Just be careful you don't burn too brightly. He may need more time than you to adjust, and you don't want to burn out. This is very addictive. It is likely to be a lifetime of evolution. So remember you have all the time in the world. If you fuck up , it's just a learning experience.

May I follow your profile Sal?
 
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As I read through this thread, a couple of things jumped out at me that indicate that you "got it"! The idea of sending him a slightly suggestive postcard while he is away shows that you are working on mind teasing him. This is far stronger and more effective, IMHO, than anything physical. There are so many aspects of chastity that are psychological and emotional in nature. That is why we subs tend to thrive on being humiliated - particularly when we are put in situations which may be a bit on the edge of ourt traditional values.

Your desire to find his weaknesses, whatever they are, may prove pivotal in your journey. After you find his hidden little secrets, you can then exploit them to your benefit. (THat's actually how I ended up as a sissy! Mistress learned of my secret interest in ladies lingerie and then exploited my weakness.) You don't know his weaknesses right now so you just have to keep digging to learn his "dirty little secrets", whatever they may be. Once you do, your further efforts at control and dominance will be assured.

Best wishes on your digging! May you strike gold!
 
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ChasteCel said:
One suggestion here - and it could really be fun too - is to look into getting one of the "Lovense" toys. They recently added a 1" butt plug which should be easy enough for him to do.

The fun part is, it's able to be controlled remotely by your phone, so that could be a ton of fun for you once he gets back to the table (and add a bit to the 'minor embarrassment' factor)!
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That sounds like a lot of fun -thanks! Not for the first time, I think but sounds like a great fun follow-up if he does ok with the plain vanilla model! Sal
 
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