I’m home alone for a few days while MyPete is back with his mum, so I’m gradually catching up with the journal.
Back at the beginning of summer, MyPete did something fairly bad (pinned me down) and then a moment later did something properly awful (
The Bad Thing, ugh, ugh) (which I found sufficiently upsetting that he had a whole month of ‘consequences’. Looking back on what he did, I think he was probably goading me, and looking back on the consequences, I think I probably overdid it a bit, both in time (three weeks would have been enough) and activities (mostly ok but repeated use of the sheath, although it felt nicer and nicer for me once he’d learned to use it properly, probably undermined his body image a bit too much.) At the end of the month, the submissive side was beginning to spill over into the rest of our lives, which neither of us wanted. It took a good few weeks to recover, I think.
Laura had said that by the end of ‘consequences’ month, I could basically ask MyPete to do anything at all, and he’d agree, and it turned out she’d had a personal interest in this.
Laura had previously told me that her partner (‘Paul’) had become physically less interested in her and she’d discovered, and he’d admitted, that he’d been watching a lot of porn on his own. She had thought that agreeing not to look at porn, plus a period of chastity, either just relying on will-power, or even with a device, might help and she’d gently hinted at it once, but he’d just brushed it aside. Laura asked me to ask MyPete whether he would talk to Paul about chastity. (They don’t know each other that well, although I pointed out that this was probably an advantage). Previously, he’d point-blank refused to do this. But it’s amazing how compliant a man gets when he’s totally effing desperate (‘TFD’). Normally, I’m actually ambivalent about that level of compliance but on this occasion it just surprised and pleased me.
MyPete and Paul’s conversation ended up being by text – much easier I should think. And MyPete only admitted to him to having experimented with a cage ‘a long time ago, just for a bit’, - he’s very clear about wanting our present ‘project’ to remain confidential and Laura said she hadn’t told Paul about it either. Laura knew from me that MyPete and her Paul had spoken, because I told her, but she left it about a month before doing anything.
It’s odd - Laura is such a powerful personality, and she’s been a domme (or domme-ish) in the past, but she completely dithers about her Paul. When he’s charming, he can be lovely and he’s had all sorts of interesting jobs but he’s always seemed to be one of those people that kind of wants to be in charge but not take any decisions - not exactly my cup of tea. But mainly he doesn’t seem to bring out the best in Laura who seems to be extraordinarily meek and mild when he’s around, rather than the sassy thing I know her to be. I asked her about this, and she said it was just the groove that her relationship had started and got stuck in.
At one point, she opened his laptop and saw he’d been watching porn recently, and confronted him. He admitted it, as he had before, and they had the same kind of conversation as the previous time. She asked him whether he looked at porn because he didn’t find her attractive any more, or was it that he didn’t want her because he watched porn instead? She told me it took him ages to answer, like a naughty schoolboy, and in the end he just said he didn’t know. She said he’d been really upset - not all proud and preciously man-silly but really quite vulnerable. She asked him if he had any ideas about how to fix it because she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she didn’t feel wanted. When she told me all this I said that I thought they needed a reset, or she should leave. After reading so much on this site, I suggested she find a way to ensure the only times her Paul could come would be via her.
When I told MyPete about all this, he said he might wait a bit then text Paul to ask how the porn/chastity thing was going. Paul responded to him saying not much had changed. As a bystander I felt that Paul and Laura were each waiting for the other to broach the subject and it was horrible seeing that Laura wasn’t happy.
I went round one evening to Laura’s to collect her to go out for a drink and Paul was there. I almost told him to pull himself together and stop watching porn, stop playing with himself and give Laura the attention she deserves. If I’d have been left alone with him, I probably would have. Eeek!
Eventually, they somehow broached the subject and he agreed not to look at porn or play with himself for ten days, to see how that went. After a week he said he hadn’t looked at porn but had played with himself ‘quite a bit’. She said she wanted him to naturally look to her for sexual satisfaction (that’s more like it!) She asked what he thought they should do and somehow, at last (!), he said he couldn’t control himself. And she apparently said, that maybe he could let her be in control instead. And somehow out of all that, they started experimenting with a cage. The first one sounded like a disaster – lots of chafing which was an excuse not to wear it and it sounded like it was the wrong size because it was both too tight in some places but much too loose elsewhere.
At this point Paul texted MyPete and asked about what kind he had tried. (Paul still thought that this had been years and years ago). I don’t now what MyPete told him (I avoid any talk of the construction of cages and locks) but Laura said the second attempt was going better and that they’d both ‘had a bit of fun with the idea’.
She asked Paul if there was anyone he could talk to about the porn addiction or the cage etc. He was very resistant to talking to anyone about porn but said he’d been in touch with MyPete about the cage because ‘he’d played with one years ago’. Lorna said she was careful not to spill the beans!
So at that point we were in the strange situation that Laura and I new everything, MyPete thought that Paul was giving chastity a try and Paul didn’t know that Laura was telling me everything, and I was sharing a lot of that with MyPete.
But then, after Laura and I had been out together having a good heart to heart, I’d come back to use the loo and Paul said hi. He was actually quite charming and lovely and said how pleased he was that Laura had a confidante. I asked her the next day how much she’s told him about just how much she’s shared with me and to my shock, she said, “everything”. She said she’d told him she’d needed someone to confide in during the past months when she’d been feeling lonely and unwanted. And then as she was telling me this, she burst into tears. I assumed it was because of feeling undesirable over all that time but when I put my arm round her, she said she was so, so sorry but she had also let slip to Paul about how MyPete and I have been doing the chastity thing seriously for a year and a half. She said that she had broken the confidence, that she prides herself on keeping secrets but had been in such an emotional state, she wanted to convince Paul to at least experiment with chastity and she’d thought this would help convince him. Lots of tears. I just couldn’t bring myself to be angry with her but I didn’t know whether I should tell MyPete that our secret now had another person who knows.
I asked Laura to make sure Paul didn’t say anything to MyPete and said I wanted to decide for myself whether to tell him. I didn’t say anything to him for ages, but I hate keeping things from my partner, so at long last, I came clean. I expected him to be furious but instead he just said, “I know”. Apparently, as soon as Paul had found out, and before Laura had told him not to, he’d texted MyPete telling him that he knew and what a dark horse he was etc. At first, MyPete said, he was angry but felt that although he wasn’t close to Paul he could trust him not to blab and besides which, he said he was in a particularly compliant, desperate phase, so just didn’t have it in him to be angry with me right there and then. Also, I had reassured him that although Laura had told Paul about our ‘project’, she hadn’t shared any embarrassing detail. I believe her. But with all this going on, I hadn’t wanted to post too much here – just wanted to lie low.
I hadn’t realised that chastity would be so complicated!
As for Laura and HerPaul, I asked yesterday how things are going and she said, “A lot better. Awkward, but not as awkward as before”. They’re onto their third cage now but she said much more importantly, their relationship seems to have been reset, with her much more in charge, in the way she is at work, and as she’s always been in my mind, when she gives me advice about taking control. The lock is only on for two or three days at a time, often less, but they’ve kept to the rule that only she can make him come. She says she’d rather he comes frequently, but always with her. She said she’ll gradually make the intervals longer and said she hoped they can start having ‘proper’ sex again rather than just her, ‘just wanking him off now and then’. Ugh.
MyPete and I will be seeing them next week as a whole bunch of us will be going out for a meal. That might be awkward! Meanwhile, MyPete never ceases to amaze me. He could have been so angry, and wasn’t. I know he could see how upset I was, but he also knows I have to confide in someone or I’d burst.
Before he left to go to his mum, I unlocked him and just said thank you. We kissed and cuddled and I gave it the longest, slowest, most intense massage I could muster, finishing with the happiest possible ending. That was followed by a shower, another long cuddle and kiss. Out came the goofy grin and my heart just melted.
He’s back tomorrow. I feel lucky.
Excuse the very long post and sorry there’s not much sauciness here. As ever, just trying to unjumble my thoughts.
Sal