Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Hi @BavarianWoman, it's all a bit confusing for me too! Here's where I think we are:
Laura and I talk to each other quite often but I'm sure we don't share everything. Her Paul knows that she and I are close and would have assumed that we have talked about our sex lives a bit and I think he knows that she and I have talked about chastity. But I think he thinks (!) that chastity is something that MyPete and I played around with a couple of years ago but never took very seriously. he and MyPete had a brief email exchange at one point where this is what MyPete led him to believe. And he certainly doesn't know about Laura's previous participation in inspecting MyPete or about the Bad Thing that happened after that.

MyPete knows that chastity is something Laura and her Paul are experimenting with but their relationship is something that MyPete doesn't want to talk about, and I keep most of what Laura tells me, to myself. He knows that Laura and I probably have quite intimate conversations, because we've talked about my need to have some support and back-up, but he doesn't want to know the detail, and he's extremely keen that Laura doesn't talk with her Paul about whatever I happen to mention to her about us.

A couple of months ago, Laura 'wondered out loud' whether I might observe her measuring her Paul, as she had observed me and MyPete. She hasn't mentioned it again and given what I've now discovered about the whole size issue, it feels even more of a bad idea than it did before!

Complicated!
Sal

 

Thank you for saying such a kind thing. (And thanks @Slutty Susan and @iome343 too). It's weird writing this journal. When I read back some of the things I've written, I realise that taken all together they give the impression of me being in complete control and loving every moment. I think that's because at heart I'm an optimist and I tend to write about the things that are fun, or at least interesting. I think that both the emotional and physical sides of our relationship need to be worked at, but the key for us is that they mustn't feel like it's 'work' or the magic disappears.

I think our relationship is sound and we do communicate well (with tense moments and the odd row like any other couple). On the physical side of things, there have been plenty of annoying times - fiddling around with straps and creams while romance evaporates, for example. And we've physically hurt each other too - not on purpose but he's made me shout with pain when he was over-eager with the sheath, and of course I've accidentally clamped bits of him between the wrong bits of the cage (Ouch, passion killer!) I went through a long period of feeling guilty about coming when he couldn't. Even though I knew it's what he wanted, just thinking about it often prevented me from properly enjoying myself.

And I still miss the feeling of being seduced by him, and filled by him during straightforward sex. I definitely prefer to be in sexual control, and he prefers that too, but once in a while, I'd like to reverse roles and just be seduced and taken. We thought that would be easy - just to let him off the leash (so to speak) and tell him he's in charge for a weekend. But it hasn't been as easy as that. We've both got used to me taking the decisions, and physically, chastity seems to have trained him to come too quickly for me to be properly satisfied, unless we wait a couple of hours for 'Round Two', which takes away some of the spontaneity (although it adds anticipation, when we get it right.) We're 'working' on this and I can see he's lasting a bit longer so I'm hopeful, but I think even if this improves, it'll still be me calling the shots.

The thing I find hardest is that when I'm leading and therefore having to take responsibility for both of us enjoying sex, I sometimes find it difficult to turn off the thinking part of my brain and just be in the moment. And that can stand in the way of a proper feeling of release for me.

There are loads of plusses though. I know it's a meme on the captions here but I had never realised that oral sex could be so enjoyable. And now we've mostly got it right, the sheath and the strap-on feel nice. I've learned to use toys wit myself that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But more than anything, the most thrilling thing by far is the glorious, wonderful, fabulous, exciting, arousing feeling of control, amplified a thousand million times by his excitement and his desire for me. And when he's excited and I'm feeling desired and in control, that ratchets up my own arousal. A virtuous circle at those times we get it right. When he's at peak frustration, I love the way he can't take his eyes off me. Who doesn't want to feel desired?

But remember, most of the time, we're just an ordinary couple, shopping, working, seeing friends, being frustrated with politicians, going to films, cooking, eating and sleeping. I just don't tend to write about all that, which makes it seem like we spend our whole lives in one long orgasmic (for me, haha) chastity bliss, which of course, isn't true.

And now it's my turn to clean the bathroom... Such bliss.

Sal

 

Hi @Sarah2023 I think there was a lot going on between them at that time. The big change was him acknowledging her taking a leadership role. I'm not exactly clear but I think that part of that was him acknowledging, and dealing with, 'small man syndrome'. I think Laura felt that she needed back-up but I think we all agree now that wouldn't have been a good idea for a hundred and one reasons! Sal

 

Sorry, all well, just busy. I got a promotion recently at work, which is great but now that they've finished kitting out the suites, we're expected to actually do some work and there's been a bit of a backlog. Calming down now. Sal

 

Ok, work is calming down and I can take stock.

We've been trying for a while now to get MyPete to last a little longer (or quite a lot longer, really) on those occasions when I unlock him and we have 'ordinary' sex. He's always so super-sensitive and excited at being set free of the cage that he loses control and we have to have two sessions. The first time, when he seems to be close to the edge from the moment he’s inside (when I can make him come immediately, which is fun for the feeling of control but can a bit frustrating for me). And even if I don’t make the command, he doesn’t necessarily last that much longer. The second session is once he's calmed down an hour or two later. The trouble is that he ends up coming twice, and I quite often don't come at all, either because there's just not enough time, or more often, because I'm too busy thinking that I should be in more control! And quite often, it would be nice (for both of us) to keep him properly frustrated, yet allow me to satisfied. Before the chastity project, this never used to be an issue. As others on this site have pointed out, I have inadvertently trained him to be this way, so I've been trying to train him back again.

He went through a long phase of feeling it was ‘his fault’, when actually if it’s anyone’s ‘fault’ it’s mine. The first thing I did was to reassure him that this was my responsibility and that I wanted him to trust me. Even though he said he agreed, I could tell he was doubtful. He said that he still finds it difficult to completely give up the need to be in sexual control even though he actually wants to. This happens from time to time, and I’ve found a couple of things that help to ‘reset’ for both of us - reinforcing me taking control in the bedroom.

They both start with teasing him and having a long kiss. That's certainly enjoyable for us both. I know that at that point he’s wondering if he might be allowed out of the cage for a stretch, and even maybe to come. After teasing for a bit, I then unlock him and watch as it springs to attention (it always does, which I find very flattering) but then just ask him to stand there (trousers round ankles is a real power-play) until he eventually goes soft. I always take care to ask him to tell me who takes the sexual lead and always make sure he looks me in the eyes. And the other thing we’ve found helpful for reinforcing for both of us who's in control, is for him, unlocked, to bend over (usually kneeling on the sofa with his arms on the back of it, nice and comfortable) so his balls are dangling there and I just hold them, quite firmly but not in any way that’s painful for him. I’ve noticed that he finds this a turn-on, but so do I – it’s incredibly assertive for me and something that the old me would never have done. I make sure he knows that I find it a turn-on, and again, I ensure that he articulates how it feels for me to be in control. After a few minutes it gets a little boring but then we’ve found that after a bit longer something changes in the dynamic between us and we settle into our roles. It becomes strangely meditative but powerful (for me) at the same time. Doing this seems to reset both of us into our roles, which makes it easier to do some of the other things that also reinforce our roles even more.

The whole premature thing is difficult. So, knowing that I would be asking him to trust me with what would happen next, I did the ball-holding routine again after just a few days. I held him for nearly half an hour, by which point I felt totally energised and in charge I think I could have asked him to agree to anything I wanted! Putting him back in his cage and locking him after holding him that way felt very special.

So then we started on his ‘acting lessons ’(‘because he was learning how to ACT ’anti-coming-therapy’, oh how we laughed at this!). I asked him to make sure he withdraws not when he’s about to come, but a long time before that. In fact, it’s been best when I take charge completely and just tell him to withdraw when he isn’t necessarily expecting it. At first, he was only in for literally less than half a minute, but gradually we’ve been able to increase the time. The thing that’s made the most difference though was one of Laura’s better ideas. For the last six weeks or so, whenever I’ve unlocked him to tease him for a while, we’ve used a butt plug. I hate that phrase more than just about any other, and it turns out, so does he. So, we decided to call it Polly (‘polyfiller - - geddit?! (Sorry- for non-Brits, Polyfilla is a popular brand of filler for home DIY jobs)). Anyway, he’s a whole lot more sensitive when Polly is deployed and we got him used to that, so that when he enters me without Polly, he’s that bit less sensitive. Anyway, we’re making progress, although still quite a way off me being able to relax into it. He’s feeling frustrated (mostly in a good way, I think) and I’ve been getting some release by giving him that special little pat on the head which he responds to instantly and skillfully. Still, I'm hoping that a couple more months of this might do the trick. At least he's almost bonkers with frustration with all the edging.

The other thing that’s happened is that the very tiny cage arrived. This is the result of a boiler fault which meant we had a crazy-cold shower together and for the first time in our relationship I saw how small he could actually get. I couldn’t help laughing at the time. He’s hinted in the past that he’d find it excitingly humiliating if I were to make comments about his size. I’ve not really wanted to do that when he’s hard (he’s fine the way he is and I don’t want him to have hang-ups about size) but it seems much less scary and cruel to make fun of him when he’s soft. Anyway, seeing him really shrunk (I mean, shockingly so) made me suggest he gets a cage that size – ‘for those special moments’.

I asked him to model it for me. He was obviously excited but also scared. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it. Oh my goodness, it’s small! My first thought was to wonder whether he would actually fit into it. He did. When I saw him come back having put it on in the bathroom, my second thought was whether it would be painful (amazingly, apparently not). My third thought was to wonder if he could still pee while he was wearing it. Apparently, yes. I asked him how it felt and he said, ‘I don’t know’. Hopeless! We had a long kiss and I nibbled his ears and pinched his nipples and asked him again how it felt. And he said ‘I don’t know’ again and asked me to take it off. I said I wanted to leave it on until he could properly tell me how it feels – ‘maybe just a day or two’. He looked horrified. In fact, it was just half a day.

I spent the afternoon teasing him as much as I could. He seeemd a little quieter than usual and didn't make the usual hints about the bedroom, so I finally asked him (whispering, very gently) if he would take me with a strap-on. He asked to be unlocked but I said I’d prefer that he stayed in his cage. There was the usual messing around with straps and splashing around warming Dora in the sink which killed the mood for a while but he was slow and gentle, and loving and attentive, and it felt nice.

Afterwards he seemed very subdued. I unlocked him and unusually, he didn’t immediately stand to attention but remained tiny for a while. I asked him if he was ok and he yet again said, I don’t know’. I took him in my mouth, which revived it pretty quickly. Just for a short while I had this strange sensation of him being tiny in my mouth. Laura had once described the feeling of oral sex with her Paul and the enjoyment of something small enough to be able to play with that way (chaps – it’s harder than you think to suck on something big and keep your teeth out of the way!) While it lasted it was fun and made me feel very tender towards him, like I was protecting him in some way.

I decided to let him come. When we were cuddling afterwards he seemed quiet again, then I noticed that his nose was running a bit and his eyes were red and he admitted he'd been crying. I asked him what had happened and he said it had been when I’d unlocked him and put him in my mouth – he said it was like a hormonal rush after everything else that had happened that day, especially ‘pegging’ me which always makes him feel very fragile. He said he thought there was something about wearing such a tiny cage that was very emasculating and difficult. I said that we should pop him back in the usual one for now, use ‘shorty’ from time to time and never use the ‘micro’ at all. He asked if we could get rid of it but I said, maybe just keep it in a bottto drawer… just in case. <evil grin>. We both had a bit of a giggle and cuddle and felt lovely and close.

I’m amazed that altering the size of a cage can make such a big difference. My Pete’s not great at describing what it feels like but I’m sure the different sizes make him feel controlled in different ways, and they give me different feelings of control as well, which he obviously, picks up on. Complicated.

Sal