I’m glad to read that you’re finding your way back into it again. I personally enjoy your posts when they’re long.
Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes
- Thread starter longtallsally
- Start date
Thank you! Posting here is a kind of therapy for me. It helps me get my thoughts straight. Sal
I’m the exact same way.
I write to process my feelings and experiences.
I’ll stop cluttering your thread now
Always a well written post and super interesting situation
Feeling tetchy and frustrated last night, and being a little irritated by him getting all the attention while we get back into the rhythm of things, I was looking forward to asking My Pete to indulge me one way or another, perhaps with one of the three bears (dildos of different sizes, but we hate that word). Unfortunately, he came home late, by which time I was tired and thinking about work this morning after the long weekend. Annoyingly, I could have stayed in bed this morning because there's electrical work going on and they have to keep turning off the power, so there's not much happening here today.
My leg is almost completely better since the accident, but I still feel my confidence isn't quite what it was. I feel slightly anxious - which is how I felt for at least the first year of our chastity project and from time to time since then. I always think that I'm going to ask him to do something and he'll laugh and refuse, or that he'll just take the thing off. He always has access to an emergency key (sellotaped to a piece of paper with my squiggly signature on it) and I know he can probably pull out anyway, although once again, I don't think he'd be able to get back in easily without me knowing. He's always taken my lead, but there are times when I feel less confident and that he's simultaneously slightly more hesitant about doing as I ask (sexually, that is. Whether it's conscious or not I don't know, but I'm sure he picks up on my mood.
Laura is always brilliantly helpful. She's guided me through a lot of these episodes, always saying that it's about 'realigning' us both and that details really matter. Each thing on its own might not make a huge difference, and he may or may not notice them, but taken together, they bolster my leadership and confidence and make him more able to follow instinctively rather than thinking about it too much. It's not quite the same as him being submissive, because quite often I want a powerful animal in the house, but one that's (sexually) in my control. If I think it's a good idea for both of us if he takes me, even quite roughly, then I want him to snap to it!
In these 'recalibration' phases, which usually just last a week or so, I try to pay attention to lots of little details - mostly really small things. I never point them out to him. I just do them.
Then there are a few things I have to be really careful with, even during these phases:
Sal
My leg is almost completely better since the accident, but I still feel my confidence isn't quite what it was. I feel slightly anxious - which is how I felt for at least the first year of our chastity project and from time to time since then. I always think that I'm going to ask him to do something and he'll laugh and refuse, or that he'll just take the thing off. He always has access to an emergency key (sellotaped to a piece of paper with my squiggly signature on it) and I know he can probably pull out anyway, although once again, I don't think he'd be able to get back in easily without me knowing. He's always taken my lead, but there are times when I feel less confident and that he's simultaneously slightly more hesitant about doing as I ask (sexually, that is. Whether it's conscious or not I don't know, but I'm sure he picks up on my mood.
Laura is always brilliantly helpful. She's guided me through a lot of these episodes, always saying that it's about 'realigning' us both and that details really matter. Each thing on its own might not make a huge difference, and he may or may not notice them, but taken together, they bolster my leadership and confidence and make him more able to follow instinctively rather than thinking about it too much. It's not quite the same as him being submissive, because quite often I want a powerful animal in the house, but one that's (sexually) in my control. If I think it's a good idea for both of us if he takes me, even quite roughly, then I want him to snap to it!
In these 'recalibration' phases, which usually just last a week or so, I try to pay attention to lots of little details - mostly really small things. I never point them out to him. I just do them.
- When we kiss, I often kiss from above so he has to crane his neck a bit, as women usually do. When we French kiss, it's my tongue that does the wandering, not his.
- When we hold hands, I hold his hand 'backwards', the way a parent leads a child. I can tell you, that feels very strange at first!
- I ask him to wear the slightly smaller cage. There's hardly any difference between his two cages, but the 'larger' one, which he normally wears, allows what he calls the 'hint of a hint of the very beginning of getting hard, whereas the smaller one, doesn't even allow that.
- Every couple of days, I ask him to kneel on the sofa, chin on the back rest, knees wide apart, looking gloriously vulnerable. I fairly often hold his balls in this position anyway but during these phases, I hold him for longer, and I ask him to describe how it feels, and tell me about what he likes about our chastity project. When he says he enjoys pleasing me and enjoys that I take the lead sexually, and that he loves relinquishing the responsibility, I always ask him to repeat it, even several times, and am sure to tell him how much I enjoy it too, and I repeat that.
- I've found that language really matters. So when I'm asking him to do things, I try, during these phases at least, to say, 'please will you xxx, for me.' Or if he's say, begging a bit and being denied, I might say, 'I don't feel you're ready', or 'I want you to trust me to make the decision'. Saying it this way, makes me feel more confident, as well as putting me in the leadership position.
- Asking him to take me using a strapon, while he's wearing the cage, is obviously a very squirm-making and powerful thing to do. But Laura explained that how I ask him is really important. So it's not, 'Please put your harness on', but instead, 'Would you mind putting your little harness on for me, please'. At first I was sceptical that it would make any difference but I've seen from My Pete's face, and from what he's told me, that it really does make a difference. Laura explained it once. 'Would you mind' makes him think it's a request and for a nanosecond he might think there's a choice, until he realises, probably not even consciously, that there isn't any choice. 'Your little harness' makes it sound like a slightly ridiculous, laughable thing he's being asked to do (which it is) and has a resonance with how an adult might talk to a child. Ditto with, 'for me'.
- That resonance is also there when I unlock him and it stands to attention and I say, 'Oh, well done!'
- If I take him with a strapon (certainly not with Big Bear!) then I make a point of asking him to 'Please get yourself ready for me' or 'Try to relax yourself for me'. The latter is especially commanding!
- Often, but especially during these phases, I make it clear that I love it if he acknowledges my judgement of our sexual needs. So he might say, 'Thank you for letting me stroke myself', or 'thank you for my orgasm', or 'I understand why you haven't unlocked me and I'm sure it was the right decision, but I find it very exciting when I make you come'.
- Everything is amplified if I use his name at the end of requests, and he uses mine at the end of his responses. We don't use 'Mistress' or Ma'am' or anything like that but using each other's names really seems to reinforce our roles.
Then there are a few things I have to be really careful with, even during these phases:
- Inspections are mostly routine. We started them because he was worried he would shrink in chastity! He hasn't shrunk at all, but during these special phases, I occasionally make a point of measuring him in a position where it's really difficult for him to remain hard. That's always a laugh. But once or twice, I've said I'd be recording stiffness as a score out of 20. I learned that was a mistake . As far as I know, all men have some sort of performance anxiety, and scoring stiffness made that a lot worse, which was not much fun for either of us.
- Another thing that turned out to be a bad idea was 'Cancelling Round 2'. When I ask him to take me - a big treat for us both - if he's really desperate he can't last very long and sometimes I even give him an internal squeeze to make him come even faster, showing him who's in charge. We usually have a 'Round 2' an hour or two later, when he's calmed down and that's a lovely feeling for both of us. Probably the most enjoyable thing for me, of everything we get up to. Occasionally, after Round 1, when he's come and I of course haven't, and he's expecting Round 2, I've just locked him up and cancelled it. Each time was a mistake - I ended up frustrated, while making him feel horribly guilty, and anxious about the next time.
- And of course, being my usual friendly self, but sexually totally ignoring him for a couple of days. That one is pretty much a last resort because he's told me it's the cruellest thing and I can see that he absolutely hates it.
Sal
NowIveDoneIt
Halfway between Oh yeah and WTF is wrong with me
As always your updates are very welcomed. As far as the performance aspect goes- may I ask how long you keep him locked in-between the necessity to go 2 rounds? I was having similar issues but we found quite the cure. Aside from my days just worshipping her, we were having sex 3 or so times month (with or without my O, I don't feel that makes a difference) which never allowed me to get in my "grove". Then magic happened- we had sex 4 days in a row, something we haven't done in ages (I never had an O, unlike the marathon my Queen had). By the 3rd day I was able to last as long as I wanted, or she wanted to be more accurate. And then the real magic happened- we started having sex more often in general- 2-3x a week and I was able to just go as long and fast as she wanted (yes, occasionally I need a minute of freezing all motion to prevent an O). All the while she kept me from coming but she was able to get everything she wanted without me being ready to blow right from the start. I know this site seems to be more dedicated to the long term lock, but for the more sex active partners maybe the key is to allow more unlocks for sex but just keep him from his O to keep him desperate. After all, the whole purpose here is to not punish the woman, but for her to get all the pleasure she wants and for her to allow his pleasure on her schedule....
Thanks @NowIveDoneIt. The time between Round 1 and 2 is usually a couple of hours, sometimes a bit longer. But I don't think we've ever experimented, or at least we haven't persisted with experimenting, with going for another session the next day, and even the day after that. I think that would be a nice thing to try, perhaps for a special occasion, or as a 'reward' for us both when I fully regain my confidence and his response to my (sexual only) leadership is without any hesitation. Thank you again for the suggestion! Sal
I've got a lot of time for updates at the moment because they're still doing electrical stuff at work and the power keeps going off.
When we woke this morning, I snuggled up and put my hand on his cage and said to My Pete that I thought we needed to 'recalibrate' a bit and I asked him to wear the slightly smaller cage. He said he'd prefer not to, but I said I felt the 'project' had gone a bit off course since my accident and that he was questioning my leadership, which made me question myself. Bless him, he acknowledged that each of our reactions affect those of the other, so there's a kind of vicious circle of me lacking confidence that he picks up on and amplifies. I said that wearing the smaller cage for a little while, along with 'a few other things' might help. After we'd swapped them over, he asked what other things I had in mind for 'recalibration' and I just I said that it was my responsibility, that he needn't worry about it. <evil grin>
He said he realised I'd felt frustrated recently when he was too quick and eager (orally) and I had to keep directing him, which took me out of the moment. He looked so apologetic and said he'd try to be calmer next time. I repeated that it was my responsibility not his, but I said that it wasn't just that it had felt rushed and unthoughtful, (he looked a bit demolished by this) but beforehand, when I'd given him the signal - the little pat on the head - I'd felt that he didn't instantly respond, like a reflex, but considered it for a moment. That had primed me to be concerned and meant that I was primed to be unsatisfied.
He asked how long the 'recalibration' might go on for. I told him honestly that I didn't know but I said that I wanted us to get back to 'normal' - ie that he responds to my (sexual) leadership without question. I said that I didn't intend to unlock him until we'd re-established that response, other than for short hygiene moments as absolutely necessary. He looked at me - to be honest I couldn't quite read him - but I held his gaze until he dropped it. Laura would have been proud, although my little heart was beating like mad. I gave him a big kiss - from above, as per my previous post - and packed him off to work. I've been walking on air since. I think i know what I need to do now.
He'll be back before me this evening. When he gets home, he'll see the cane in the corner of the bedroom. The cane isn't really our thing and we haven't used it since we experiemented ages ago, but as someone on this site pointed out once - just leaving it in sight sends a message.
Sal
When we woke this morning, I snuggled up and put my hand on his cage and said to My Pete that I thought we needed to 'recalibrate' a bit and I asked him to wear the slightly smaller cage. He said he'd prefer not to, but I said I felt the 'project' had gone a bit off course since my accident and that he was questioning my leadership, which made me question myself. Bless him, he acknowledged that each of our reactions affect those of the other, so there's a kind of vicious circle of me lacking confidence that he picks up on and amplifies. I said that wearing the smaller cage for a little while, along with 'a few other things' might help. After we'd swapped them over, he asked what other things I had in mind for 'recalibration' and I just I said that it was my responsibility, that he needn't worry about it. <evil grin>
He said he realised I'd felt frustrated recently when he was too quick and eager (orally) and I had to keep directing him, which took me out of the moment. He looked so apologetic and said he'd try to be calmer next time. I repeated that it was my responsibility not his, but I said that it wasn't just that it had felt rushed and unthoughtful, (he looked a bit demolished by this) but beforehand, when I'd given him the signal - the little pat on the head - I'd felt that he didn't instantly respond, like a reflex, but considered it for a moment. That had primed me to be concerned and meant that I was primed to be unsatisfied.
He asked how long the 'recalibration' might go on for. I told him honestly that I didn't know but I said that I wanted us to get back to 'normal' - ie that he responds to my (sexual) leadership without question. I said that I didn't intend to unlock him until we'd re-established that response, other than for short hygiene moments as absolutely necessary. He looked at me - to be honest I couldn't quite read him - but I held his gaze until he dropped it. Laura would have been proud, although my little heart was beating like mad. I gave him a big kiss - from above, as per my previous post - and packed him off to work. I've been walking on air since. I think i know what I need to do now.
He'll be back before me this evening. When he gets home, he'll see the cane in the corner of the bedroom. The cane isn't really our thing and we haven't used it since we experiemented ages ago, but as someone on this site pointed out once - just leaving it in sight sends a message.
Sal
That's a great list of things that make a difference Sal. Details and words matter. Positioning Pete into the more traditionally female role constantly reinforces you being in control. Asking him to do things for you in such way that it might imply he has a choice, when really he doesn't must remind him of his place. It's as if you're saying, "I am one in control of you sexually.", "You only get pleasure when I allow it." and "I can deny you any time I like." Holding his balls when he is vulnerable and making him recite how he feels must also provide reinforcement. Almost as if you are keeping him in an invisible box and you are making him feel that box restricting what he can do and when.
I'm intrigued by what 'a few other things' might mean!
I'm intrigued by what 'a few other things' might mean!
Thank you! As ever, when I write, I come across much more confident than I feel. I think that's one of the reasons I do write these long messages - to keep my mental strength up!
The 'few other things' I was referring to are things like, making sure that when I'm refusing to unlock him, I make sure I look him in the eye(s) and keep my gaze until he drops his. Another is unlocking him and then 'changing my mind' and locking him up again without anything having happened. Thankfully, the pat-on-the-head reflex seems to have returned now - it's amazing what just a few days' effort can accomplish! ,evil grin>
Sal
The more you write with confidence, the more your confidence will grow I am sure.
I hope that Laura’s husband has fully recovered from his operation
Laura probably gave you news of him, or Laura (and maybe you) may have organized a post-operative ceremony, as you did before the operation
Laura probably gave you news of him, or Laura (and maybe you) may have organized a post-operative ceremony, as you did before the operation
Life never seems to run smoothly. For boring reasons, My Pete's cousin came to stay for a couple of weeks, so the chastity project had to be put aside for a while, and we've had to go through the 'recalibration' (as I call it) or retarining (as My Pete calls it) all over again. We're back on track, I think. We went round to Laura's last week (thanks for asking, @Sarah2023) as it was time for us, finally, to see the results of Her Paul's op. We brought champagne and they had a bottle too, so it was a bit raucous and giggly, rather than the solemn unveiling I'd expected. Laura unlocked him with a big, 'ta-da' and there he was, circumcised, tiny, perfect and the head glowing with freshly painted orangey-red dye. I so wanted to touch it, to make it respond - Laura must have sensed that because, always sensing the possibilities for ultimate squirminess, she suggested that MyPete might want to do the honours. It only took a moment and there he was, with it looking like a perfect, immaculate little lighthouse! Amazing! Sal x
Our little celebration with Lara and HerPaul felt like a boozy, bubbly, giggly time, but on our way home MyPete seemed not exactly unhappy, but quiet and thoughtful. I asked if everything was ok and he surprised me by saying that it had been one of the most squirmy moments of the last three years of our project. Of course I asked why. He said perhps I'd forgotten that I'm fairly strict not only about deciding when he can come but, also about when he can be hard or even stroke himself. He gets plenty of airing but I decide when, and it's mostly at my hand, so to speak, rather than his. So being asked to stroke HerPaul to make him hard, while he himself was clothed (and locked), and while being watched by me and Laura, was just very weird indeed. I'm afraid I just laughed. But we stopped the car and had a kiss, which was nice.
We were nearly home, and talking about how HerPaul's op ha been a pretty major thing to do, when MyPete asked me whether there are any modifications I'd like him to make. I reflexively replied that I love his body just the way it is. But since then, I've been wondering... Definitely not a Prince Albert, which makes me squirm, and not in a good way (although I can see why other people like the idea) but I've been wondering about him having a little ring just through his, erm, frenum, I think it's called. I imagine that's more like having an earring fitted? But I imagine that could be used to make escape harder? The point about escape that the moment is that we both know it's possible, but we also know he wouldn't be able to get back in wihout me knowing. But not being able to escpe would change the mood, even if we didn't do that all the time. And, I have this little fantasy about leading him on a small chain, or even locking him to something. OK, ok! Just a fantasy!
Sal
We were nearly home, and talking about how HerPaul's op ha been a pretty major thing to do, when MyPete asked me whether there are any modifications I'd like him to make. I reflexively replied that I love his body just the way it is. But since then, I've been wondering... Definitely not a Prince Albert, which makes me squirm, and not in a good way (although I can see why other people like the idea) but I've been wondering about him having a little ring just through his, erm, frenum, I think it's called. I imagine that's more like having an earring fitted? But I imagine that could be used to make escape harder? The point about escape that the moment is that we both know it's possible, but we also know he wouldn't be able to get back in wihout me knowing. But not being able to escpe would change the mood, even if we didn't do that all the time. And, I have this little fantasy about leading him on a small chain, or even locking him to something. OK, ok! Just a fantasy!
Sal
I have such a piercing. It is quite un-dramatic and not very painful to get - a breast piercing hurts a lot more. It heals fairly quickly. So a simple piercing, and one that is also enjoyable during sex because that little spot on the penis gets more sensitive.
You may also feel it during PIV.
I would not lock a cage to a frenum piercing. It is not as robust as a PA, and I think the movements of the cage as well as the eternal growing and shrinking of the penis would pull and stretch the piercing too much, and you will end up with a very irritated and sore piercing.
You've mentioned that your Pete is circumcised, so a couple of things to consider:
- If his cage has bars that go parallel with the piercing jewellery - i.e. across the penis - then the jewellery can easily get caught by these bars. This results in some pulling of the piercing and can easily cause it to be irritated. Gave me a lot of problems until I got the right cage.
- If you would like to give him a frenum ladder - multiple piercings along the penis shaft - then I have put together some advice for you.
Are you sure he couldn't get back in? The penis, when flaccid or semi-flacid, is really squishy. I've been testing out quite a few stainless steel cages and was surprised that I was able to pullout AND get back in with one that I thought was really secure.
I've been surprised at how many factors I needed to consider to make the device as close to escape proof as possible.
I'd potentially be happy to share reflections with another couple, but touching another man to get him hard would be a hard line in the sand for me and a relationship over. Each to their own, of course, and if everyone's happy that's great. I wouldn't underestimate the significance of this, particularly with YourPete's history of same sex situations when he was younger.
Thank you for all the advice! I think it's pretty clear this isn't something we should pursue! Sal
Thanks @Beyondheat, that's sensible. Possibly too much fizzy wine, although I did gently quiz MyPete about this the last time things went in this direction (just before HerPaul's op). He told me it felt ok, as long as Laura and I were around. But I think you're right about me needing to be really careful with this. Sal
I talked to him about this. He said that he doubted he could, (although I agree, men are sneaky creatures
) but the main thing was that he said he wouldn't want to. He said he felt he wanted me to be in control and that he wanted to relinquish that control. Sal
Laura was round for tea a couple of weeks ago. MyPete and I had just finished doing some of the nice kind of DIY, where a couple of coats of paint make a big difference, and were feeling pretty pleased with ourselves. Laura brought cake, so all was good. We spent most of the time chatting about a million and one things that aren't really relevant here - neighbours, politics, the weather etc. But at one point MyPete asked after HerPaul and then the conversation turned briefly to chastity. He asked her how HerPaul had changed since they started on their chastity project. They've been gradually increasing his lock-up times, since he recovered from the op. She mentioned several things that I already knew - that it seemed to have made him into a much better, more sensitive listener, that he was more obedient (she chuckled as she said it as she knows that's not the way MyPete and I want to be), that their roles were clearer so their relationship was happier. Then she said something I hadn't known, or at least, if I had, I hadn't really properly clocked. She said she thought that HerPaul's moments of greatest sexual bliss were when she comes. She said it used to usually be about his orgasm being the thing that everything led to, or at least a very important part of their lovemaking. But now, not only is he less fixated with his own orgasm but she feels he derives more pleasure from hers than from his own. But the thing that really got to me was that at that point, My Pete chimed in by saying that's exactly how he feels - not just that he takes pleasure in me coming (which to be fair, he always did, although his own enjoyment was always a factor) but that he feels really sexually satisfied when I come, and on those rare occasions (rare, like once every few months maybe) when he manages to make me come repeatedly so they kind of merge together and I have to have a little sob, he himself feels a high which is 'as overwhelming as an orgasm'. Oh my gosh. I hadn't known that, although he's often told me he loves it when I come.
After Laura left, I asked him if he'd meant what he'd said. He repeated it to me. I gave him our signal - the little tap on the head - and he responded instantly, as a reflex. Our 'recalibrating' has worked a treat. I asked him to make it as slow as he possibly could. It didn't quite leave me sobbing but very nearly. As I was lying there afterwards in a bit of a daze, I noticed when he got up tht there ws a wet patch on his trousers. I asked if he'd come and he just said, not exactly but that he'd just leaked a bit. I asked if he'd enjoyed it and he said 'more than you realise'. I said it had been the same for me. Big kiss and snooze for us both!
Sal
After Laura left, I asked him if he'd meant what he'd said. He repeated it to me. I gave him our signal - the little tap on the head - and he responded instantly, as a reflex. Our 'recalibrating' has worked a treat. I asked him to make it as slow as he possibly could. It didn't quite leave me sobbing but very nearly. As I was lying there afterwards in a bit of a daze, I noticed when he got up tht there ws a wet patch on his trousers. I asked if he'd come and he just said, not exactly but that he'd just leaked a bit. I asked if he'd enjoyed it and he said 'more than you realise'. I said it had been the same for me. Big kiss and snooze for us both!
Sal
I can relate to this. I’m exactly the same way. I get so much more satisfaction and feeling of accomplishment from Reds (my partner) orgasms than my own. What chastity really amplifies for me is the prolonged feeling of being aroused and in service to her. If I orgasm that feeling is over and and it will days, if not weeks to build up to the same level of excitement.
So when I’m aching and aroused for her I get so much more from her orgasms than I’ve ever gotten from my own.
I think a lot of men on this site can relate this.
So when I’m aching and aroused for her I get so much more from her orgasms than I’ve ever gotten from my own.
I think a lot of men on this site can relate this.
"he said 'more than you realise'. "
What a lovely answer
What a lovely answer
I've had a PA and a frenum. The PA works far better for me. It's really not a big deal. With a little push he would be happy to do this for you. Then a more secure device, and all he can hope for is your pleasure. Submissives are like that, He doesn't want to give it to you, he wants you to take it. That is how most subies are wired. Don't give him a choice just do it!!