Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Yes, it's one of the routines we've both got into and enjoyed. The last weekend in every month we go into town (London, that is), and he gets waxed and then we have a nice lunch in Soho and mooch around the shops. We'd thought of going for his and her waxes on the same day but I'm loyal to the local place who know every fold and crease...

The only thing he's complained about is that I like the smooth bits to exactly follow where his underwear goes, so nothing shows when he's got his underwear on but revealed to be completely smooth underneath. He thinks it looks a little ridiculous (especially the line around the back of his thighs, hehe) but even though it does make me laugh, I do like the look.

Thanks for the suggestion of the writing assignment. Actually, we have been doing something similar - eery now and then I ask him to stand in front of me, uncaged. (Trousers and pants round ankles adds a lot to the squirminess). I ask him to talk me through some of the things we've done in the past few weeks and how he's felt about them, and why. He has to look me in the eye (that turned out to be the most difficult bit of all this). I tell him that I'll be able to tell (from the obvious indicator!) what he truly finds exciting. Actually, it's a terrible indicator because the response isn't immediate and because there are so many other things going through his mind, but it's a fun game. And (thanks for all the advice I've had on here) I'm very careful to tell him the things I've enjoyed as well.

The thing that remains very confusing, but in a nice way is this. There are some things that are just exciting for each of us in themselves. For example, for me, a feeling of sexual power, or feeling his tongue on me. And for him, the release from responsibility and all the usual things for men (eg. watching my boobs when he's really desperate). But there are a whole lot of other things which we find exciting because the other person finds them exciting. And just thinking about the effect of that does my head in.

Sal

 

Yes! I think the words I've used are, "A little edginess is good for us" or "We mustn't live wrapped in cotton wool". The thing that makes a really big difference is not the actual words but my manner and especially, if I look him in the eye. This has taken ages for me to practice. I still find it difficult. Sal

 

Another lull at work, so I can catch up a bit more catching up with the journal for the last few months.

We've found that allowing MyPete to come every three weeks or so feels about right. Sometimes it's a little less - a few times quite a bit longer, with me playfully suggesting every now and then that it might be months (evil grin). Somehow, his desperation seems to reach a peak after a few weeks though, and then maybe subsides?

The thing that seems to make even more of a difference to him is how much time he's allowed out - we've both realised that for him, controlling when he can be hard affects him even more than controlling how often he can come. He describes it as being 'sexually squished' and we both find that quite edgy and exciting. When I take his cage off, such as for showers or just as a treat, I love that it instantly stands to attention. So many people on here, and of course Laura, have told me that I need to learn to regard it as 'ours' and not 'his'. I've found that's very easy to say but very difficult indeed for me in practice. But there have been stretches of a day or two at a time when I have managed to get into that mindset and really 'own' it. It's an extraordinary feeling! i think it's a bit like MyPete described when he watched me stroking a strap-on he was wearing (there's a phrase I wouldn't have used a couple of years ago!) and he felt that watching me do that, it was like having a 'phantom thing'. Anyway, there have been moments with him kneeling by my side with his tongue on me, when I have stroked it and honestly felt that it was attached to my body. It was the strangest and rather beautiful feeling but very ephemeral - I wish I could repeat it easily because it's so exciting.

I think I've mentioned before that when he's really desperate, he looks at my body in a different way - in fact it's one of the ways I use to gauge where he's at. Near the beginning of the cycle, say a few days after he's come (after he's got over the morose phase, which usually only lasts a day or so, and doesn't seem to happen at all if he's been inside me) he looks at me like he always used to - distracted by my bum (that's 'ass' to you Americans, hehe) if I'm clopping around in heels, or if I bend over - all the usual stuff. But over the weeks, as he gets more desperate, he definitely gives more of his attention to my boobs, even if I'm wearing a floppy sweater.

At first I wondered if it was because I wear the key there (the rule is he can never touch it, so I swing it behind my neck if we're canoodling). Another reason might be that when we started out on this odd journey of ours, (acting on very helpful advice!) we made sure that whenever he came, it would be alongside nipple play. He definitely started to associate that and we found I could tip him over the edge with a firm squeeze at the right moment. For some reason we drifted away from doing that but during the past few months we've started to do that again. The association really seems to work. We've tried, unsuccessfully, to make him come just with nipple play, but we've never managed, although he has become quite drippy in his cage. (Are they the 'tears' people talk about?) I've thought about whether this association might make him concentrate on my boobs more when he's a bit frantic. Anyway, it's nice that he fancies me although it is a bit like being with a teenager. That's a thought, actually. Teenage boys always seemed to me to be breast fixated rather than bum fixated. Oh dear, have I caused MyPete to regress?

Incidentally, I reckoned that when he's totally effing desperate (TFD), there might be other associations we could easily make - the name of a fruit, or maybe my perfume. I'm sad to report that other than saucy words (which can often push either of us over the edge when combined with other activity),nothing has worked. Well, it's been fun trying. We also tried this on me but haven't found any unusual associations we could make.

Overall, we're still enjoying our chastity journey, which has moved from being an 'experiment' to a 'project'. I still have to remind myself (and be reminded) that it only works if I give him lots of attention with little saucy messages and teases etc. Sometimes it feels a bit one-sided. I love the feeling of power and control, although I do miss him taking the lead. Sometimes I just want to be ravished and it's really difficult for that to happen spontaneously. First I need to unlock him, then of course I seem to have trained him to come almost immediately, which is very flattering and makes me feel deliciously dommy, but means that if I want 'proper' sex with him then I have to let him come and then have another round a couple of hours later, which feels nice but not exactly like being spontaneously ravished!

On the plus side, he's become fantastically good at oral sex and skillful with the various toys. The sheath is the latest that he's mastered (getting the angle right and slowing right down has taken a lot of practice and caused me some pain). As long as it's been warmed up first, it can feel really rather wonderful because we're properly in each others' arms and he's inside me, but sex that way feels like playing with fire - all the captions (I know he looks at captions online) reinforce the whole inadequacy thing about size and performance. And I miss 'ordinary' sex with him inside me. I've been thinking about a break from the project, but then we suddenly discover another dimension that makes both of our stomach's squirm.

Sal

PS Writing again feels really good. Laura and I are close, but this 'Dear diary...' seems to help getting my thoughts straight.

 

Since I'm not getting any work done because of the building here, even though I'm on the late shift (and being paid!), I thought I'd just add another thing we've been trying.

There's a lot of talk on here about ruined orgasms. (We have a much nicer name. MyPete and I have taken to calling it 'RnR', for 'release with no release'. He came up with it. Copyright MyPete!) We found that when it works, it's just brilliant - a combination of squirmy humiliation and frustration for him and a delightful feeling of control for me, which is exciting too because I know he finds just the thought of it a turn-on.

I went through a charmed period when I managed to judge it perfectly, several times in a row over the course of a couple of weeks. And by perfection, I mean I stopped a good ten or even fifteen seconds before he came and then we both watched (me, in fascination) as it just bubbled away. At those moment I really felt it was our plaything, rather than just his. The first time it happened I literally laughed out loud - nat laughing at him but just out of joyful surprise.

But, that charmed period came to an end and I found it so damn difficult to judge the moment. If he does it, (obviously under my close eye and at my command) then he overdoes it and is already coming by the time he stops. And if I do it, I stop eiather too early or too late. Once or twice, I found that if I took him near and then looked him in the eye just said 'come for me', then he did. That was huge fun, but they seemed to be one-offs too.

Recently, I thought I'd worked out a way of getting it right more often by taking him close and then rhythmically squeezing his nipples to tip him over the edge. This has been more reliable but it just doesn't have the magic of stopping all contact 10 seconds in advance and watching him trying to hold it back, then enjoying the uncontrolled dribbling and his disappointment, which I know isn't really disappointment at all. He described it to me as being the ultimate in handing over responsibility. I'd be gretaful for any tips on upping the success rate!

We were keen for me to experience the same sort of feeling. A few times in the past months, after we've been kissing and cuddling I've tapped my hand on his head (our signal) and whispered, 'RnR'. He responds instantly, like a reflex and he's become amazingly expert at judging the timing - I think he can read me better than I can read myself. The trouble is, I don't find RnR exciting in the way that he so obviously does when we do it to him. For me, it's just a frustrating, rather weak orgasm. I compared notes with Laura who said she'd experiemnted in the past and found pretty much the same. Sigh. Another blow for equality.. Still there are compensations. (evil grin)

Time to go home now, having accomplished nothing today but at least been paid for it, and it's not been very stressful.

Sal

 

Thanks for the idea - we did try clamps once but the earth didn't excatly move. Perhaps we'll have another go.
As for Laura and HerPaul, I'm afraid we got ourselves into a bit of a complicated situation which was a bit tense for a while. It's fixed now and almost totally resolved (it was actually one of the factors that made me go offline for a while). I hope to be able to do a diary entry on that soon. It would certainly help getting it all straight in my head! Sal

 

I’m home alone for a few days while MyPete is back with his mum, so I’m gradually catching up with the journal.

Back at the beginning of summer, MyPete did something fairly bad (pinned me down) and then a moment later did something properly awful (The Bad Thing, ugh, ugh) (which I found sufficiently upsetting that he had a whole month of ‘consequences’. Looking back on what he did, I think he was probably goading me, and looking back on the consequences, I think I probably overdid it a bit, both in time (three weeks would have been enough) and activities (mostly ok but repeated use of the sheath, although it felt nicer and nicer for me once he’d learned to use it properly, probably undermined his body image a bit too much.) At the end of the month, the submissive side was beginning to spill over into the rest of our lives, which neither of us wanted. It took a good few weeks to recover, I think.

Laura had said that by the end of ‘consequences’ month, I could basically ask MyPete to do anything at all, and he’d agree, and it turned out she’d had a personal interest in this.

Laura had previously told me that her partner (‘Paul’) had become physically less interested in her and she’d discovered, and he’d admitted, that he’d been watching a lot of porn on his own. She had thought that agreeing not to look at porn, plus a period of chastity, either just relying on will-power, or even with a device, might help and she’d gently hinted at it once, but he’d just brushed it aside. Laura asked me to ask MyPete whether he would talk to Paul about chastity. (They don’t know each other that well, although I pointed out that this was probably an advantage). Previously, he’d point-blank refused to do this. But it’s amazing how compliant a man gets when he’s totally effing desperate (‘TFD’). Normally, I’m actually ambivalent about that level of compliance but on this occasion it just surprised and pleased me.

MyPete and Paul’s conversation ended up being by text – much easier I should think. And MyPete only admitted to him to having experimented with a cage ‘a long time ago, just for a bit’, - he’s very clear about wanting our present ‘project’ to remain confidential and Laura said she hadn’t told Paul about it either. Laura knew from me that MyPete and her Paul had spoken, because I told her, but she left it about a month before doing anything.

It’s odd - Laura is such a powerful personality, and she’s been a domme (or domme-ish) in the past, but she completely dithers about her Paul. When he’s charming, he can be lovely and he’s had all sorts of interesting jobs but he’s always seemed to be one of those people that kind of wants to be in charge but not take any decisions - not exactly my cup of tea. But mainly he doesn’t seem to bring out the best in Laura who seems to be extraordinarily meek and mild when he’s around, rather than the sassy thing I know her to be. I asked her about this, and she said it was just the groove that her relationship had started and got stuck in.

At one point, she opened his laptop and saw he’d been watching porn recently, and confronted him. He admitted it, as he had before, and they had the same kind of conversation as the previous time. She asked him whether he looked at porn because he didn’t find her attractive any more, or was it that he didn’t want her because he watched porn instead? She told me it took him ages to answer, like a naughty schoolboy, and in the end he just said he didn’t know. She said he’d been really upset - not all proud and preciously man-silly but really quite vulnerable. She asked him if he had any ideas about how to fix it because she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she didn’t feel wanted. When she told me all this I said that I thought they needed a reset, or she should leave. After reading so much on this site, I suggested she find a way to ensure the only times her Paul could come would be via her.

When I told MyPete about all this, he said he might wait a bit then text Paul to ask how the porn/chastity thing was going. Paul responded to him saying not much had changed. As a bystander I felt that Paul and Laura were each waiting for the other to broach the subject and it was horrible seeing that Laura wasn’t happy.

I went round one evening to Laura’s to collect her to go out for a drink and Paul was there. I almost told him to pull himself together and stop watching porn, stop playing with himself and give Laura the attention she deserves. If I’d have been left alone with him, I probably would have. Eeek!

Eventually, they somehow broached the subject and he agreed not to look at porn or play with himself for ten days, to see how that went. After a week he said he hadn’t looked at porn but had played with himself ‘quite a bit’. She said she wanted him to naturally look to her for sexual satisfaction (that’s more like it!) She asked what he thought they should do and somehow, at last (!), he said he couldn’t control himself. And she apparently said, that maybe he could let her be in control instead. And somehow out of all that, they started experimenting with a cage. The first one sounded like a disaster – lots of chafing which was an excuse not to wear it and it sounded like it was the wrong size because it was both too tight in some places but much too loose elsewhere.

At this point Paul texted MyPete and asked about what kind he had tried. (Paul still thought that this had been years and years ago). I don’t now what MyPete told him (I avoid any talk of the construction of cages and locks) but Laura said the second attempt was going better and that they’d both ‘had a bit of fun with the idea’.

She asked Paul if there was anyone he could talk to about the porn addiction or the cage etc. He was very resistant to talking to anyone about porn but said he’d been in touch with MyPete about the cage because ‘he’d played with one years ago’. Lorna said she was careful not to spill the beans!

So at that point we were in the strange situation that Laura and I new everything, MyPete thought that Paul was giving chastity a try and Paul didn’t know that Laura was telling me everything, and I was sharing a lot of that with MyPete.

But then, after Laura and I had been out together having a good heart to heart, I’d come back to use the loo and Paul said hi. He was actually quite charming and lovely and said how pleased he was that Laura had a confidante. I asked her the next day how much she’s told him about just how much she’s shared with me and to my shock, she said, “everything”. She said she’d told him she’d needed someone to confide in during the past months when she’d been feeling lonely and unwanted. And then as she was telling me this, she burst into tears. I assumed it was because of feeling undesirable over all that time but when I put my arm round her, she said she was so, so sorry but she had also let slip to Paul about how MyPete and I have been doing the chastity thing seriously for a year and a half. She said that she had broken the confidence, that she prides herself on keeping secrets but had been in such an emotional state, she wanted to convince Paul to at least experiment with chastity and she’d thought this would help convince him. Lots of tears. I just couldn’t bring myself to be angry with her but I didn’t know whether I should tell MyPete that our secret now had another person who knows.

I asked Laura to make sure Paul didn’t say anything to MyPete and said I wanted to decide for myself whether to tell him. I didn’t say anything to him for ages, but I hate keeping things from my partner, so at long last, I came clean. I expected him to be furious but instead he just said, “I know”. Apparently, as soon as Paul had found out, and before Laura had told him not to, he’d texted MyPete telling him that he knew and what a dark horse he was etc. At first, MyPete said, he was angry but felt that although he wasn’t close to Paul he could trust him not to blab and besides which, he said he was in a particularly compliant, desperate phase, so just didn’t have it in him to be angry with me right there and then. Also, I had reassured him that although Laura had told Paul about our ‘project’, she hadn’t shared any embarrassing detail. I believe her. But with all this going on, I hadn’t wanted to post too much here – just wanted to lie low.

I hadn’t realised that chastity would be so complicated!

As for Laura and HerPaul, I asked yesterday how things are going and she said, “A lot better. Awkward, but not as awkward as before”. They’re onto their third cage now but she said much more importantly, their relationship seems to have been reset, with her much more in charge, in the way she is at work, and as she’s always been in my mind, when she gives me advice about taking control. The lock is only on for two or three days at a time, often less, but they’ve kept to the rule that only she can make him come. She says she’d rather he comes frequently, but always with her. She said she’ll gradually make the intervals longer and said she hoped they can start having ‘proper’ sex again rather than just her, ‘just wanking him off now and then’. Ugh.

MyPete and I will be seeing them next week as a whole bunch of us will be going out for a meal. That might be awkward! Meanwhile, MyPete never ceases to amaze me. He could have been so angry, and wasn’t. I know he could see how upset I was, but he also knows I have to confide in someone or I’d burst.

Before he left to go to his mum, I unlocked him and just said thank you. We kissed and cuddled and I gave it the longest, slowest, most intense massage I could muster, finishing with the happiest possible ending. That was followed by a shower, another long cuddle and kiss. Out came the goofy grin and my heart just melted.

He’s back tomorrow. I feel lucky.

Excuse the very long post and sorry there’s not much sauciness here. As ever, just trying to unjumble my thoughts.

Sal

 

Thanks @Beyondheat - wise words. I feel that MyPete and I are pretty solid. My relationship with Laura went through a rocky patch when she knowingly did a bad thing. I couldn't get angry about this latest breach of confidence though because she was emotionally all over the place and people have lapses. She's been such a good friend in all sorts of ways I haven't talked about here (just day to day, normal human stuff) and without her advice and support I honestly think I'd have given up on this project. She's able to project such confidence because of her lawyer work and the dommish phase she had, but underneath I can see she's as vulnerable as the rest of us.

As for MyPete, yes I think we're both having fun, but I've noticed we have phases of different kinds of activity that last a few weeks and then something switches us to something else.
The big picture is that he loves relinquishing control and responsibility in this part of our lives, and I truly relish accepting those things. And the context is that we love and respect each other, although we have the occasional argument like anyone else. I still miss some things - I've written about those before, and I seem to have trained him to come rather too easily when we have 'ordinary' sex, although we've found waays to adapt to that (have another round in a couple of hours). We went through a phase of him using a sheath, which played on his insecurities about size and performance (same as every other man, I think) a little too much, so we had to back off from that after a few weeks.

One scenario that has kept exciting us both is where he's either released, or kept locked when he's been led to expect the opposite. His gratitude, or disappointment are exciting for him and arousing for me too. We've also carried on the regular 'inspections' and measurements. We originally started doing this because he was genuinely (I think) worried that wearing a cage would make him shrink, and we agreed that we would stop if that happened. With lots of advice from this forum (thank you, thank you!) we have made those sesions deliciously squirmy. There was a time when Laura occasionally joined us to observe, which made the whole thing massively more edgy, for both of us, but after she and MyPete did the thing that we don't talk about any more (and for which, I actually caned her, though I didn't enjoy that very much), she hasn't participated. I do miss that, and I know MyPete does too.

One thing that I definitely continue to enjoy are our showers together- it's a thing we do. Slowly unlocking him, washing him and shaving him if necessary, is a lovely intimate thing. (Since he's been waxing every month, I haven't needed to shave him so much - his hair that grown back is much softer than it was before - the same as with women's pubes). I adore the way he springs to attention immediately he's released. I find it flattering and yes, let's use the word... fun! I also enjoy his combination of excitement and discomfort if he's hard and I just have him stand in front of me and watch it as he eventually softens. And if I pick my moment as he's going limp and tell him how much watching him excites me, then he springs up again! That's fun too.
Sometimes I 'command' him to pull down his trousers and underwear so that they're round his ankles and stand in front of me and play with himself a bit before I lock him up.

But one of the most fun things is just lying in bed and chatting, then kissing and cuddling, with my hand on his cage. And then, if I'm in the mood, I just give his head a little tap and he responds instantly - it is like a reflex now - and he's become so tuned to what wil tip me very, very slowly over the edge.

I also really like that I've become much more tuned to how he is - his hormonal state, I guess. Laura once said that you can get to know someone so well sexually that you can 'play' them, like an instrument. I didn't know what exacty what she meant at the time but I think I've become better at sensing his level of frustration or desperation and upping the ante. It's not all one way, I'm pleased to say.

Having read this back, I feel I ought to emphasise that these wonderful moments are part of our lives that are otherwise the usual mix of humdrum domestic stuff, work, seeing friends, doing the shopping and cleaning, and everything else. It's just that I don't write a journal about those things, so it comes across that all we ever do is chastity-related exotic fun. That's far from the case, and for all the lovely moments there have been plenty that have just been so-so - fumbling with straps, losing the magic of the moment, accidentally hurting each other by inserting something too big, too quickly, inadvertently undermining the other by saying something clumsy, getting EMLA goop in the wrong place (that's a mistake you only make once, thank you very much) or trapping his skin between ring and cage (ouch!), or having to give it all a rest because he's got chafed or my body is hurting and out of bounds for a while.

But when it works, it is sublime, for both of us. Two years ago I would never have imagined myself saying this, but honestly, I think everyone should give it a try, even just for a week. I should think for most people it might not be their thing, but for some couples it'll be a fun experiment anyway, and for others it'll be a total, edgy, squirmy joy.

Sal

 

Apologies again for the flurry of long posts over the last few days. MyPete will be back later tonight, and work is settling back to normal from tomorrow, so I should get back into posting every few days, like before the break. And talking of work, here's an absolutely priceless thing I found out today, which made me laugh out loud.

I've often said how we haven't wanted the chastity thing to spill over into the rest of our lives. I've always thought of that in terms of MyPete and not wanting him to look to me for leadership in any place other than the bedroom. We hadn't really thought about the way all this might spill over into other aspects of my life.

I had a promotion at work a little while back and I just received a draft from my boss of my interim assessment, which is based on his views, various performance metrics for the department, as well as feeback from people I work with. It's all pretty straightforward with some nice comments and some sensible suggestions for courses etc. One bit leapt out though. I will quote.

"I have noticed, and several members of staff have also commented on, the development of your leadership style over the past year. Being able to understand the big picture, and listening well to others while offering clarity of direction, is a difficult balance, especially as we endure this period of rapid refocus and expansion. Very well done on developing such easy authority, without any hint of arrogance."

People have given me all sorts of nice compliments before but nothing, ever, about 'easy authority'!!! It's always been about me getting on with people and helping people gel, or explaining things nicely so people understand. This is different, and I KNOW that it's a spillover from our chastity project, which has given me so much more confidence, or at least made me appear so much more confident! So THANK YOU, to everyone who's helped on my journey so far. All those little words of encouragement have really helped, and beyond the bedroom too!

I am grinning from ear to ear. Easy authority!!! Sal

 

PS I just texted MyPete, with what my boss wrote. His reply was "you owe me ". I'm skipping round the kitchen. After an unexpected treat the other day, he went off unlocked to his mum's and if he comes home tonight having resisted temptation (I kind of doubt, but I know he'll be honest) then I might give him another surprise. I feel happily excited. 'Easy authority'! Sal