Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Hi @Beyondheat, @SlaveBoy73 and @NowIveDoneIt - thank you all for your recent comments. I feel I may have accidentally wound everyone up a bit and caused a bit of friction (of the wrong kind!) Having read back some of my posts I can see that I am not exactly consistent and have put out some pretty mixed messages. I think that's actually because my feelings, and MyPete's and the feelings tht are the weird, ever-changing combination of the two of us, are not only a bit uncertain, but also constantly evolving. What I'm saying is that I actually think that all three of you are right in different ways. Really.

There are things that MyPete and I regularly enjoy now, which would have literally made us shudder and run a mile just a year ago. But suggestions from people on here, some subtle, some not so subtle, prompted me and sometimes actively spurred me on, to try new things and I'm exteremely grateful for that. But at the same time, I've also appreciated wise words of caution. Hearing both is great. And I've noticed that it's not always the same people encouraging or suggesting caution - people on here seem to swap those roles a lot, according to their individual experiences.

And (I think), I also understand how frustations (hehe, evil grin) can boil over from time to time. That's ok! We're all human dammit, and I sometimes find tht I've wound someone up when I shouldn't have, or didn't intend to, but I don't like to think of myself as causing angst in the community, at least not unintentionally! Friends?

Sal

 

A lot of food for thought this week. My Pete's away tonight, so here goes.

A few days ago, we had our Valentine’s dinner in a nice restaurant in town. We’ve always celebrated Valentine’s day about two months in advance, just before Christmas because the real one in February seems too orchestrated and not terribly romantic. We had a lovely flirty night out with lots of teasing and innuendo… and wine. We talked about everything and nothing, and of course, the whole chastity project.

At one point MyPete asked me whether I felt I had the right level of control about the right things - he meant the sexual side of our relationship. I said I thought we had it about right and asked him what he thought. He said that the whole project has been amazing and that being able to give up responsibility for all the sexual stuff, while still having a proper sex life, was a wonderful release. (Phew!) Then he said that sometime, we might think about any bits of the jigsaw that might be missing. I pushed him on this, and he was embarrassed and a bit tongue-tied about it but said that there were a lot of combinations to think about. He said that our project wasn’t just about withholding, but controlling. After the best part of a bottle of wine I wasn’t any the wiser and asked him to spell it out.

He said that orgasms are, in one way, easy to control. We can prevent them by locking him up. And I have the power to remove the cage and to make him come, or edge him or ruin it. But I can only prevent him coming by having him wear the cage. Certainly I can make him come pretty much on demand if I want to, at least if he hasn’t come for a while, either by just telling him to ‘come for me’ or by giving him a special squeeze when he’s inside. But what if I could control whether he could come, without needing the cage? Without it, how would I set about preventing him from coming?

Then there’s erections. Again, I can prevent them by locking him up, either in the ‘shorty’ or the ‘normal’ cage, each of which has different effects on him (he finds my choice over which, extremely controlling). If I release him, he springs to attention just about instantly, which is very flattering but do I have much control over that? How would I feel if I could make him not only hard, but soft, whenever I liked, without the cage?

I have to admit that these have both been fantasies of mine and I guess I’ve probably mentioned them to him, or at least hinted at them. Around that point in the conversation, there was some interruption – people coming out of the rain with umbrellas – and I made a naughty joke about them not being the only ones who were dripping wet. To which MyPete replied, “Me too”, which took us in a whole other direction. Apparently, when he’s really TFD (totally effing desperate) and I tease him a lot, or especially if we have a long kiss with any nipple touching, then he ‘leaks a bit’, as he put it. I asked him if he means that he comes? He said not – ‘it just leaks quite a bit sometimes’. Is that the ‘chastity tears’ people talk about? I asked him if it feels nice? He was non-committal. Hmmmm….

When we got home, I unlocked him (he was definitely damp and a bit sticky down there) and we had a long shower together. Afterwards he did the cage wrangling and I locked him. It’s always a bit of a thrill for me – the moment of turning the key but sometimes are more exciting than others and this was one of those times. A little electric thrill as the lock closed.

We lay on the bed chatting, with my hand cupping his cage - it sits there so well. I was all set to tease him some more and then maybe let him loose and have him come, or even straddle him, when I realised he was asleep! The cheek! Suddenly, I was the one feeling frustrated. I thought about waking him but decided to play with myself instead – no toys or anything. When I was getting close, I made myself stop. I was completely wound up and I thought guiltily to myself that this is what MyPete has to go through all the time. I had rather a sleepless night, by turns feeling frustrated and worrying whether it was right for MyPete to live so much more often with that kind of frustration.

During that night, I thought a lot about the different kinds of control he’d mentioned. I once talked to Laura about these. On the first, preventing him from being able to come, she said some people tried hypnosis, but she didn’t think that was very sensible or practical, and she’d known people experiment with some drug. It’s the stuff they use to treat premature ejaculation and she said that with some people it can mean that they frustratedly plug away for ages, with no climax. But she said messing with drugs wasn’t a great idea and that we should probably stick with numbing cream or the sheath thing. I feel there’s more to learn here.

And on the second – making him go soft at will – I would just love to be able to do that and I know it’s something he’d be excited about. I don’t mean having him go soft by sticking ice on it, or making him think about laundry, but making him go limp while he’s still mentally aroused. That would be real power. There have been quite a few times when I’ve had him stand in front of me, trousers and underpants round his ankles, and I’ve just waited patiently until he goes limp, which is quite squirmy for him. But just sometimes I’ve told him to play with himself (he finds that acutely embarrassing and squirmy) and then commanded him to stop. I tell him it would excite me if he went soft for me, which makes him even more excited, and harder, while simultaneously he really wants to be soft to give me that dimension of control that he knows would arouse me. It’s these moments of being torn both ways that we both seem to find very exciting.

Sorry to witter on, but as always it helps me get my mind straight enough that I can appear suitably confident with MyPete about what I think and want to do next!

Sal.

 

I should have included a couple of other things that seem to work. One is when he's lying on his back in the 'softy position', which means feet drawn up so his knees are high then knees wide apart, with the soles of his feet almost flat against each other. The other is the inspection position, where he's in a big comfy armchair but with his legs draped wide over the sides. We started 'inspections' because he occasionally chafes and because he was very worried about shrinking - we agreed to stop locking him if that happened.

In both these positions he goes soft really quickly, even when he's excited. That part of him is such a fun thing to play with. A toy! Our toy! Sal

 

Forgive another long post, but I’m afraid while MyPete has been away quite a bit this week, I’ve been thinking.

I came across this caption again recently. I’m not crazy about the picture (but I admit I’m not exactly the target market, hehe) and my ankles aren’t up to shoes like that, but I do like the caption a lot. “Learn your husband’s sexual triggers, then exploit them”. It’s made me think carefully the last week or so, about what those triggers are.

I think there are three kinds of triggers – the things he likes, the things he hates and that glorious area in between - the things he loves and dislikes at the same time, that make him squirm. And when he squirms, my tummy flips as well. Of course, he likes some things because he knows that I enjoy them. And that definitely works the other way too – I can’t help taking pleasure in some of the things he really likes. And of course, what’s on each list is constantly changing, partly because he and I are both evolving in terms of what we want and don’t want, and partly because I’m discovering new sides to MyPete all the time. Honestly, you think you know someone…

So, MyPete’s sexual triggers. On the positives, there are all the usual things that are the same for most men, I guess. I doubt I need to spell those out! I do love the way MyPete responds to some things like an eager puppy. But when MyPete’s been caged for a while, some of these ever so subtly alter – he definitely becomes (even!) more interested in my boobs than usual, and possibly just a tad less attentive to my derriere? And then there’s the whole chastity thing. Things I say that represent me being in a position of sexual power are a big turn-on for us both. Or if I ‘absent-mindedly’ play with the key, it’s like catnip - he’s instantly mesmerised and distracted from anything else. I truly love that because it’s sexy and funny at the same time. There are some things that in the right circumstances have become very powerful triggers – such as just brushing against his nipples, or just saying the magic words (‘come for me’) or just the sight of Little Bear, or Big Bear on the bedside table, or my hand on his cage when we cuddle, which seems to be simultaneously arousing and comforting for us both.

Among the negative triggers are quite a lot of things to do with complete emasculation, infantilisation, serious pain etc. He and I see pretty much eye to eye on these and they’re probably out of bounds. But because we both know that, I can joke about them occasionally. It’s not the threat that’s edgy, because he knows they wouldn’t happen, but the fact that I can wield the power.

Then there are some things that make at least one of us go ‘yuck’ but have a frisson of something exciting about them, such as me asking him to lick it up if he comes when he shouldn’t. We’ve never done that, but I could just about imagine it. For us it’s the ultimate sanction at the moment, along with a period of denial and being ignored. He’d have to be very bad indeed.

But there are a whole heap of things in between the extremes which can be positive or negative depending on the context and circumstances and some of those are very exciting and squirmy. Having him wear my silk cami-knicks for example. I get a kick out of that and he’s learned to find it exciting too. That’s a very occasional thing. Comments about his size or performance are very edgy indeed. I think these are very common triggers for men – maybe universal. I’m ever so careful about undermining him as it can be a self-fulfilling issue, I think – ie if I cause him to doubt, then that lack of confidence could cause him to respond less easily etc etc. I’m more interested in controlling a powerful caged animal than in having him be emasculated, but playing in this area on occasion is very edgy for us both. He finds using a strap-on or sheath, or numbing cream – or just talking about them, very erotic but at the same time a bit worrying, I suppose because they do play on those insecurities. The sheath is a mega-trigger at the moment.

Other squirm triggers for him are the positions in which he feels especially vulnerable. Legs over the sides of an armchair, or standing bending over so his balls are exposed. That’s such a terrible male design feature! I’ve once or twice tied a cord there, amplifying the feeling of having control of a powerful animal literally on a leash. Another special trigger is when I unlock him and just have him stand in front of me (always while I’m sitting) while I watch him.

And then there’s the whole world of him being penetrated, which started out being extremely negative and out of bounds for him (I discovered this was probably because of something that had happened to him when he was a boy – the subject of a much earlier post). After we talked about it, and took things extremely gently, he went through a phase (I think) of positively enjoying me pegging him (SO much more difficult than it looks - gentlemen, you have my respect!) but that hasn’t lasted. I think he still has reservations. The odd command to slip in a butt-plug (that’s the most appalling name) still works though.

But some of the most enjoyable triggers for both of us are around the denial that comes with chastity. Obviously there’s fingering the key, as I mentioned but when we’re out with friends and I just weave in words like ‘release’ or ‘cage’ or ‘unlock’ (used in a perfectly innocuous context), I love see him getting more and more distracted. And both of us respond to keys in locks! The moment of turning the key is ultra special – very blissful and controlling for me, and a super-squirmy-turn-on for him.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself, and that even now I forget sometimes, is that I need to keep him bubbling away, with lots of teasing and verbal triggers. One I texted yesterday was, "Do you think maybe you deserve to come tonight?" To which he replied within about a second, "Yessssss!" And I responded, "I was only asking. I hope I didn't get your hopes up..." <evil grin> The amount of attention he needs is a big change since our PC (pre chastity) days. I used to need a lot of reminding (from folks on this site! and I have to admit I still do. But it's definitely not all one way. Even though I'm sexually in charge (I revel in saying it), all the reminders to him and all his responses, are exciting for both of us. The old me would never have believed how much fun this would be!

Sal

 

I sent Laura a copy of my post yesterday and she just texted me her thoughts. Like the lawyer she is, she cut through everything. In a very nice way, she wondered if I was overthinking it (I do tend to do that) and actually there might be just two triggers for us both to think about.

First, (and just as I said!) there are all the usual sexual triggers for men and women. We don’t need to spell those out but as far as she could tell they’re typical for us both.

And she said, everything else is about sexual control of someone whose responses you really understand – in his case relinquishing responsibility and control and enjoying me taking on that role. And in my case the enjoyment of taking control and taking (sexual) decisions for both of us. She said, ‘what a well-matched pair you are’.

She asked me to think about the absolute top moments of our chastity project – not the ‘scenarios’ but the actual moments and to think what they have in common and she said she bet they were all about control and getting into the mind of the other – for both of us. She gave the example of ‘RnR’ (which is what MyPete and I call a ruined orgasm, for ‘release with no release’), which I’d mentioned to her as something we both find surprisingly exciting. I never thought I would. She pointed out that I’d been very specific about what was special. I had said that stopping too early was obviously easy-as-pie. And stopping just as he starts to come is also very easy, although it takes a bit of willpower. But stopping a good ten or fifteen seconds in advance, knowing that facing RnR he’s trying desperately to control himself – that’s really special. Knowing that even by doing nothing more at all, or at most with a few whispered words he won’t be able to stop himself is hugely empowering. She said this takes exquisite judgement, split second timing, knowing exactly what’s going on in each other’s heads – the perfect trigger for us both.

I’ve been thinking about other ‘magic moments’: That very first time in the restaurant when he asked me to unlock him so he could go and pee, and I said, no’. When he begs me to be released. The moment that I enter him with Little Bear. The instant reflex he has when I give him the tiniest pat on the head and the pleasure he takes in giving me pleasure. The moment when he’s bending over and I take hold of his balls – not to hurt him in any way but just to reinforce our roles for a minute or two, I guess. And the moment, blissful every time, when the key turns in the lock, which is so special, intimate and powerful.

As I was thinking about these, I remembered another magic moment, which was every time I shaved under the ring after we shower together. We started the shaving because the hair under there snagged/chafed or at least itched a bit. I found the act of shaving him there very erotic – inevitably he’d be hard and I would hold his balls firmly while I worked. It only took a minute or two but it was another intimate, fun thing with him ceding control and me taking it. I say ‘was’ because since he’s been waxed every month, the hair that grows back doesn’t seem to itch so much – it seems softer. I like the waxing – it’s just the areas under his underpants if you know what I mean, and I love that he’ll do this for me (for us) but I realised this morning that I really miss those intimate shaving moments. So, I’m going to reinstate them, and if necessary, stop with his waxing, even though it’s fun to have him smooth there.

But when I think about all this, I realise that Laura is right – the triggers are really all about sexual control. Now that I know that, all sorts of ideas seem to be bubbling up.

Lots of guests arriving tonight and MyPete will be back from this afternoon, so I'll be a bit quiet for a few days and probably over Christmas too. Merry Christmas everyone, or as you say over there, Happy Holidays!

Sal

 

Thank you and ame to you! The family are driving me a bit bonkers - nothing terrible but I've just had to retreat for some quiet time on my own. Sal

 

Thank you! No I don't think that was me. Sal

 

I've used my escape-from-family-time to do some captions. They're intended for wives and girlfriends rather than menfolk - as you'll see from the pics. I've posted half a dozen on 'Chastity captions without feminisation or crossdressing'. I'd love to know if they're helpful. They're a stab at what I think might have worked on me a couple of years ago.
Right - back to the throng.
Sal